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male
age
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*yonsdown
writes:Am interested what you think of this situation.Some friends of min are bith 52, and have 2 kids: girl of 18 and boy of 20.The parents want to emigrate from england to spain on a permanent basis. The kids dont want to go with them.But the parents are definitely going to move, and will leave the kids behind.I'm assuming they'll help with rent, or maybe but them an apartment.My gf is appalled, and thinks they're incredibly selfish to leave them behind, especially as both kids earn little money.Should they go? Or should they wait til the kids are older?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Of course they should go!!!!!!
I think good on them, the kids are now adults, 18 and 20 time to get off their ass and get a job that pays the rent, seen as they don't want to take the opportunity to go to spain.
You both should stop judging your friends and been rather ridiculous about the whole situation...maybe your wife should consider you two doing something adventurous and get on with your own lives.
I have lived in spain, it was great an opportunity came we took it and then moved on elsewhere because life is an adventure.
LIVE YOUR OWN LIVES and let kids fly their nests.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2014): I think it's actually a pretty funny question. Kids at 18 and 20 should get by this time enough guidance to act like adults and make right choices. . By this age they should know all the right things to do. My daughter at the age of 18moved from me across the country, and it's a big one, US, from east to west coast with her then boyfriend driving for a week. It was her choice, and while me being terrified I couldn't stop her. Arriving there she needed to find an appartment, which was ridiculously expensive and a job. She slept 2 months in her truck, we offered to pay for her but she said she likes it. Then she found arrangements. It was her life and she made her choices. We partially supported her for 2 years, but at the age of 20 she never asked for any help. There is nothing wrong with parents letting their children to be independent. I think your friends making a great desicion to leave. They raised their children enough to become adults.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): I'm 23, My parents are happily married. My father is currently based in Asia for work for a year or so, my mother and sister are based in Europe, my brother 20 is studying at a university in another European country, I'm studying in another European country. That's 4 countries between the four of us.
We are all fine and happy.
I love my life and I have never felt abandoned.
Relax.
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male
reader, jc2008 +, writes (18 February 2014):
Hey, all I can say is my parents did this to me and my brother though they let us rent their UK house for 2 years until I managed to afford a deposit on my own flat and moved out. Its a 2 hour flight and I see them twice a year.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 I could not do it. My mother hated moving to Florida when my children were 8 and 10 but we put the boys on the plane every few weeks to fly 2.5 hours to see mom-mom and everyone survived.
I am sure this move is not spur of the moment and was discussed and planned with the children who as adults have CHOSEN NOT to go. If the kids were given the choice and opted to stay (vs being told "we are going and you are staying") then they are not being abandoned at all but rather starting their adult lives with quite the adventure (and a lovely place to go visit their parents when the time arises)
You ask should they go or wait till their adult children are older adults?
I could never leave my children but to be honest I have minimal contact with them most of the time anyway.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (18 February 2014):
 Spain isn't so far away from the UK. Actually it takes me about 7.5 hours to get to my parents house from where I live (all of us in UK) and it would be quicker and no less expensive to visit them in Spain. And a darn better climate! But then that was my choice to move further away.
I do understand the concerns, but unless she is the children's Godmother and something awful happens (touching wood this never happens) this should have no impact on your GF whatsoever. And it's far better for all concerned than having the children mooch around at home into their adulthood.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2014):
The kids are 18+ so they can make up their own choice of where they want to live.
You GF might not agree with it, but it's NOT her life, nor her children.
My guess is, the idea of moving to Spain is not something that has come out of the blue. It has just because a possibility and reality now that the kids are old enough to choose and take care of themselves.
I would HATE to live so far from my own kids, but on the other hand I married an American and left my whole family "behind" in Europe. Though I DO want to move back at some point I'd hope the kids would come with us, however, it would be their choice.
I also seriously doubt, they will leave their kids high and dry while they sip Sangrias in Spain.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 If it's a problem of money, the parents could help them out financially even from abroad, they don't need to physically be living under the same roof , to make sure that their kids do not struggle too hard . Anyway I assume that the kids had been given the option to go to Spain, and declined ; so obviously they'll have weighted pros and cons and decided that staying behind is worth even a possible reduction of income.
Besides ,it's not like they had emigrated to the other end of the planet ; the trip from Spain to England is short and inexpensive, they can visit their kids or have them over reasonably often.
I really can't see the situation as dramatic , or these parents's choice as shocking, as your gf does.
Maybe SHE , in the same circumstances, would choose to not leave and stay until the kids are 25 or more. Which does not mean that a different choice is necessarily wrong.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 The parents want to move, they are in their 50s and know what they want from their lives.
You say the kids don't want to move, at 18 and 20 they are legally responsible for their own decisions and choices. It doesn't sound to me that your friends are abandoning them, but that they were given the option of moving as well.
So your girlfriend finds it appalling the parents are going anyway? If it was any of her business how long does she think the parents should put their lives on hold for, while they wait for the kids to want the same as them?
Good on your friends, I wish them a long and happy second half of their lives!
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (18 February 2014):
 If they want to go some people like sadistic pain I mean spain excuse me apparently the children don't they have not enjoyed there life yet or experience life as they have. So for the parents to want there children to go with them is kinda selfish but also I guess caring cause they invited them to go. I know to I have been in and out the house since a young age so it wouldn't matter where my parents are going or where they was. They most likely feel they did there part and there grown enough so they are free to enjoy the parents free from children duties that's how I see it.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (18 February 2014):
 My cousin and his wife moved out of their house the same month as their youngest turned 18. They literally went to a cabin in the woods, so there was no way the kids could come with them. It seemed to me at the time (my kids were still toddlers) to be a bit harsh. On the other hand I've seen people have their kids hang around into their 30s, which hardly seems healthy.
It's just different parenting styles. Once the kids have turned 18 it's not unreasonable to expect them to make their way in the world. You g/f can (did?) choose to parent differently, and that's fair. But she'd be out of line to criticize.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 February 2014):
 My parents moved 8 times when I was under 18 and 5 times after I was 18. Obviously I went with them while I was under 18 but after that, I was in school or on my own.
I was in college (uni) when they moved and they continued to help with tuition (the cost of university) and with housing until I was out of university. But I did have to repay the student loans once I had a job!
Once I was done with university, they no longer subsidized my housing. I bought my own car and paid for my own living. If they were living abroad, they did pay for my travel expenses to come visit them.
Perhaps this is the parents' way of saving money in order to subsidize their children? Are their adult children pursuing higher education or did they decide to go to work? Are their adult children living with them?
How old do you think their adult children need to be before they leave the nest or the nest leaves them?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2014): To be honest...... it's not actually any of your business what your friends decide to do with their lives. The aunties here will probably give you a very wide range of opinions. If some of these opinions agree with your g/f's point of view and think that your friends ARE being selfish, what are you going to do with this information? Are you going to use it to try and point out the "error of their ways" and talk them out of it? Are you going to tell them that people think it's selfish?My take on it is that at 18 and 20, these young people are adults both biologically and legally and (in theory) should be capable of looking after themselves. Sure, it's a learning curve for all young people when they really do branch out on their own and they may not get it 100% right all of the time but many young people can and do look after themselves.It really depends on the individual young person. Some YP's can do it and some need additional support. This couple will know their children and their abilities to cope alone. They probably wouldn't be going if they really thought their kids would screw up without them.It's not really different to being an overseas university student and there are plenty of them.If you're worried about the youngsters, why not ask your friends what their plans would be if an emergency arose?
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