A
female
age
41-50,
*assy38
writes:Dear cupid My friend Debbie moved an hour and a half away a few years ago so we don't get to see each other as often as we use to. Debbie wants me to come and spent a weekend with her but my husband feels like why i cant just go and return home the same day.Debbie says that i spoil my husband and its ridiculous that i cant leave my husband for a few days...i need your opinions on this thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2013):
 I agree with Debbie too. Sure, you " could " make it a day trip. Or, you " could " not leave at all. There are plenty of things you could do : wear a burqa, give up any interest or social interactions outside your husband and family, stay always at home. Could, you could . But SHOULD you ? And why ?
I don't see why it's such a big deal if you want to spend a night or two away from home with a good friend, - and it would be very interesting to know where your husband's objections come from.
I mean, I don't know why but I have the feeling that's not because he can't stay a day without you and he'd miss you so much ( which, would be very sweet, although suffocating ). I think it's more like, he's jealous and he thinks you'd take advantage of the trip for a little sexcapade ( thank him for the trust ! ). Or, more prosaically, he's the kind of guy that can't boil a pot of water , because you always did it for him, and he will have to eat McDonald's 2 or 3 days in a row.
The red flag I see, personally, is not in your friend's request, is in this over-attachment of your husband that normally does not mean " a lot of love " but a lot of selfishness. He should be GLAD that you finally have the chance to reconnect with your old friend and have a nice time with her !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2013): I tend to agree with Debbie. it's only for a weekend, for goodness sake. Surely your husband can manage on his own (even if you do have young kids at home) for just a weekend??
I think you need to talk to your husband to find out what his fears are about you spending the weekend with your friend? Does he think you will cheat on him if you are out of his sight? Does Debbie live in a neighborhood with a lot of crime and he fears for your safety?
mind you, I've been in your shoes before, with a husband who was extremely emotionally dependent on me (to the point it was suffocating me and really damaged our marriage). My job required me to travel occasionally. To placate him I did not travel for several years AT ALL. It eventually cost me my job - the boss said if I won't do the job then they need to replace me.
I don't know if your husband is dependent and clingy, or if he is mistrustful and controlling. But either way it's not healthy that he knows you want to visit your friend for a weekend and doesnt' want you to do it. And if you cave in to him without any further "discussion", then you're just perpetuating it, yet if you take the attitude of "I'm going to go regardless of how you feel!" that doesn't help your marriage either and likely also deepens whatever negative feelings he has.
talk to your husband and try to understand his fears, and see if you can come up with a solution to address them that still allows you to visit your friend. It's not that he doesn't want you to visit her per se, but that he's afraid of something else happening that it beyond his control - such as you cheating on him, or getting into a car accident and dying, or whatever. so you need to get to the root of his fears to address them. For example, if he is concerned for your safety when you're out of his sight, then how about if you agree that you will call him periodically to let him know you're still safe?
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (2 July 2013):
 Is Debbie married? If she were, would she be so quick to demand someone leave their spouse for a weekend getaway?
Is Debbie single and wants the two of you to hit the bars and clubs while she tries to get picked up?
Would you be OK with your husband spending the weekend with a male friend version of Debbie?
The simple rule from men and women is that you never put your friends and extended family ahead of your spouse. If there is something about Debbie and her attitudes towards your marriage that could be a threat to your marriage, then do not go.
PS, the fact that she interprets you wishing to consider your husband's feelings as "spoiling" him, is a red flag.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (2 July 2013):
 OP, if you knew your husband would be perfectly happy whatever you chose to do, would you spend a few days with your friend?
He is a grown man and he doesn't need you to feed him or change his nappy. If he can't cook, then surely he can make himself a sandwich, pour a bowl of cereal, or heat up a microwave dinner, can't he? Do you really think he's going to die of starvation or dehydration without you constantly there to tend him?
If your choice is based purely on what your husband thinks and wants, then I have to agree with Debbie. You're depriving yourself of so many wonderful things in life and I promise you, you'll come to regret it one day.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (2 July 2013):
Sorry but it sounds like your husband is a BIG baby. Why wouldn't he encourage you to spend time with your girlfriend. When you go away for a couple of days you come home relaxed, appreciating your loved ones.
More info may be needed here but I think you should go. I have 2 besties for decades. We do a girl's night every other month to every month. I value that girl talk, encouraging words of being a mom and a professional.....I just need them to laugh with and have moments to be me. No one to impress, no one to serve, no one to clean up after. We do go for nights away. Those don't happen all the time. They happen every couple of years due to family commitments. But if we can do it. We do! So should you!!
Enjoy! Have a drink! Laugh and talk!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 July 2013):
 I know my husband would be OK with it, I just never had the desire to do something like that.
What do you think?
Personally, I think if YOU and YOUR husband are OK with it, it's all good, if you are not then don't. BUT... I'd love to know why he thinks you can't spend a week end with her, what is the reason for him not liking it?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 Please assure your husband that some of us women need more than a day to catch up on gossip; and he will be perfectly fine to look after the house and or children for one night. I believe this will also give him time to appreciate you in your absence. After all does he not have you 24/7 already!?
Unless you and Debbie plan on go out partying like 2 single women, I see no reason why he should be selfish or concerned for you sharing time with a friend :)
Have a good chat – CAA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 July 2013):
 Well I would need more info...
I will tell you my hubby can cope with me being away one day but he is not happy when I'm gone for two. In fact, the one time I tried it last year, the drunk dialings from him on day two made me crazy. We've talked about it but he's still not comfy with my being gone a lot. I try not to leave him overnight all that much if I can manage it.
So my take on this: we often drive 90 minutes for a day trip (we did it Saturday) and it's a long tiring day for us.
I would offer a compromise... go up early on a Saturday and spend all day Saturday and Saturday night then stay till mid afternoon Sunday and be home Sunday night either for a late dinner or after dinner.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (1 July 2013):
 I agree with your friend. You haven't gotten quality time with her. You should absolutely go and spend the weekend. And he should certainly understand.
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