A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This isn't about me but a friend. She's the same age as me, 20, and a sophomore education major. However she sees her boyfriend as a meal ticket and doesn't think she will work after graduation. She actually believes she will get married within the next 2 or 3 years! The problem is, they break up a lot and have only been together for a few months. Is there anyway I can get this spoiled sorority girl (that I still like as a friend) to see that work is a way of life? And that girls don't typically get married at 22? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Still. What makes you so sure it won't happen ? You think it won't, she thinks it will- for the time being, her guess is as good as yours. What she wants may be improbable ,but surely not impossible. Do you think is so out of this world to marry a rich guy ?.. It's not. I have friends and relatives who did exactly that, and never had to lift a finger again for the rest of their life.
Mind you, I am not saying that they married JUST for the money. But , whether we like it or not, financial / social status is a selection criterium exactly like any other one, no less virtuous , no more . If you want an athletic guy, you'll stay away from couch potatoes and fatsos . If you want an intellectual, you'll avoid high school drop outs. If you want a religious guy, you won't consider an atheist. Etc. etc.
It's also widely a matter of expectations- of how low, or how high you set the bar. And , of having access of course , of moving in the right circles. If this is a spoiled sorority girl, she can probably have access to spoiled fraternity boys, or the equivalent. People that , if they like her of course , will have no problems with her aspirations.
You are convinced that " work is a way of life " - that's not true for everybody. Yours is a very commendable, very respectable , and very middle class position, and reflects middle class values. At both ends of the social echelon, you find people who do not hold the same values. People that have no particular interest or assign no particular value to work per se, and they are quite content to live without working , out of their assets and properties on one hand, and out of hand outs, social services or expedients on the other hand.
I am not saying that this is right, or that this is wrong either. Just that your ideas - " work is a way of life " or " people can't get married at 22 " or " it's too difficult to marry a rich guy " are less of a self evident truth than you 'd believe.
Nevertheless. Suppose you are right - and probably you are. As a friend, your job is not to teach her how to live her life, or how to think the right ideas. It's no skin off your nose. Your job as a friend is to be there for her , no matter what - be happy if she succeed, and be
supportive if she fails.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 man what a brod. call her out. tell her, respectfully, she needs to get with reality and realize fairness and that relationships are two way streets. For the long term, if she only takes, the husband will likely get angry, have resentment, and her *insert my best girlie voice* RIVER OF LOVE will vanish quicker than my last protein shake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): Hi, OP here. Thank you Caring Guy for understanding the question! The rest of you are jumping to conclusions- I never said it was bad to get married young and be a stay at home mom. What I meant was that she thinks this will happen but it won't!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Umm I got married at 21 and stayed home and made babies and was working my butt off to run a home. MY husband was NOT a meal ticket as I contributed very meaningfully to the running of a home. Clearly you have no idea how much time and effort is needed to run a clean home especially with children in it.
Personally I can’t see how you like her as a friend if you find her fundamental outlook on life so reprehensible.
There is nothing you can do to change her outlook. I suggest you either ACCEPT her where she is or you will have to end this friendship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): I don't think it's selfish to want to be a housewife and raise children. That's more work than a full time job and you definitely earn your keep! However, marriage seems like her main goal and if that is her thinking, the quality of her marriage and who she picks may be compromised, which can lead to a lot of unhappiness.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 January 2012):
No worries here for that guy. Lots of worries for your friend. From the way that their relationship is already going, it sounds like this guy has her where he wants and isn't suddenly going to marry or anything like that. If he was, he'd probably have been discussing it by now and certainly wouldn't be breaking up all the time.
Sadly, I don't think there's anything you can do for your friend. This won't work out and you know it, but with someone like this, it's unlikely they'll listen to good advice. Just be ready to be a friend when he 'plan' goes wrong, as it will.
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A
male
reader, soul83  +, writes (25 January 2012):
Well, you may be jumping to conclusions and I think it's harsh to say she is just after a meal ticket.It's not healthy to be in an on again/off again relationship...Now about the issue of getting married young and deciding to be a housewife. This is a very personal decision and depends on the individual. Yes, many women choose to work and be independent these days. Yet, some still hold onto a more "traditional" belief of settling into married life without working. She might get a shock and find herself very bored with life and go back to working pretty quickly.FYI, I know of one of my younger sister's friends who is a stay at home mum. She is quite young but chose to settle and have a family.You really can't enforce your views upon your friend.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 January 2012):
It's her choice and her life. You can tell her your opinion, but you can't shove it down her throat.
Normally, nowadays girls do not marry at 22 and do not aspire to be housewives; because they don't want to ( they want a more interesting life ) and because they can't afford it.
But, if someone is happy to just devote herself to her partner and maybe children, and if she gets a financially secure partner who is fine with being the sole provider, why not ? What's wrong with that, if all parties are consentient. It's not as if she is planning to rob a bank .
If you mean that for her this is not going to happen.. maybe not. But she will have to find it out by herself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): No there is nothing you can say to her to see things your way, just like there is nothing she can say to yu to stop you from being so judgemental. Just because people don't typically get married at 22, doesn;t mean it doesn't happen. Also just because someone choses to be a housewife does not make them any less than someone who is working. My cousin is a housewife and has never worked in her life, it works for her, it doesn;t make her any less, or that her husband is a meal ticket to her. The fact is she takes care of the house and raised his child, and it works for them. I suggest you stay out of it and stop being so judgemental, and let her boyfriend work it out with her. Be a good friend and mind your own business.
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