A
female
age
41-50,
*likenight
writes:This is a long one, but I'd really appreciate your help!! My friend of 13 years is spiralling out of control. We'll call her Amy. She's 24 and has an almost 3 year old daughter. She's a single mom, the dad is no where to be found. She wasn't like this a year ago but the past few months she's been drinking every day and popping pills. She also hasn't been eating or drinking water, which has sent her to the emergency clinic 3 times that I know of because she felt like she was dying. She dated a compulsive liar and they aren't dating anymore, but now she lies about everything. Even small things like what she ate. I can't believe anything that comes out of her mouth. Now she's dating an alcoholic, a pill popping, pot head. She's trying to get pregnant to trap him although he told her he doesn't want kids. Her best friend who I am also friends with, we'll call her Sandy, confided in me and told me that Amy was over to her and her boyfriend's house. Sandy's boyfriend is friends with Amy's boyfriend. Sandy had just moved in with her boyfriend and thought he was "the one". She is totally in love with him and Amy knows this. Well, when Amy was over to Sandy and her boyfriend's house, they were drinking as usual, and Amy and Sandy's boyfriend were flirting heavily. Sandy told them to stop, but they didn't so Sandy went to bed because she was mad. Sandy's 5 year old daughter woke Sandy up in the morning and told her Amy and Sandy's boyfriend were naked in the living room. Amy had her legs wrapped around Sandy's boyfriend and Sandy went to the hospital for an anxiety attack because of this. Amy had called me that day and told me Sandy was in the hospital for an anxiety attack, but she didn't tell me it was caused by her. She tried denying it to Sandy saying "I had my skirt on" but Sandy told her she saw her. So Amy doesn't even feel bad about what she did and she told Sandy to just get over it. I feel bad for Sandy. Amy has screwed her over in the past too but Sandy keeps putting up with it. I haven't been talking to Amy because all she talks about it how sick she is and how much she drank, etc. I told her I don't want to talk to her until she stops what she's doing because I have a 3 month old baby and am pregnant again and I just don't need the drama and to be worrying that she's going to die. She was using me before, like coming over to get my bottles to take back, or to have me watch her kid, or to do laundry at my house. That's another reason I don't want to talk to her because I feel like if she calls me it's because she wants something. It's as if she doesn't care what happens to her at all. Do you think I am doing the right thing by not talking to her? I have to see her later this month because her older sister is getting married and I am invited. But I don't know how to act when I see her because it's going to awkward if we haven't spoken. I keep thinking about her because we were so close. I lived with her last year, and we would talk every day up until about a month ago. What would you do in this situation? Thanks for your help!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (4 August 2007):
 I think Corina has given you some sound advice. Maintain your own self control, try not to get sucked into the emotion and stay objective.
A
female
reader, Carina  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 Amy very badly needs some help, but you and Sandy are not the people who can help her. She's in self-destructive mode and doesn't care who she hurts in the process. She is hating herself and feeling totally insecure. It may be to do with the relationship with the compulsive liar and/or more deep-rooted issues. Go to see her and try to talk to her when she's sober and off pills. Tell her your fears that she is destroying her life. Tell her you want her to go to counselling sessions or get some professional help from someone. Ask her to do it for her daughter's sake if not for her own. Point out what life will become for her daughter and that she might lose her if she continues to behave like this. Assure her that there are lots of people who care about her but that she will lose them too if she carries on and that she won't find a man to love her or be happy until she starts loving herself and looking after herself. Assure her that you will support and help her if she does something to help herself. Explain that if she's not prepared to help herself then you can't help her either.
It's possible that some straight talking like this and also the fact that you're showing you care will shock her into doing something. If so ask her how you can help. Helping her stay away from people taking drugs and drinking would be a good start. Encourage her to spend time with you doing other things and meeting other people, finding new interests in her life and building up her confidence.
However, she might reject everything you say, so be prepared for that. If she does then you have no choice but to leave her to her own devices. I know this sounds hard and cruel, but sometimes people have to hit rock bottom by themselves before they can start recovering. You have your own life and child to worry about and if you stay involved you'll end up picking up the pieces time and time again and she won't change. Tell her you'll always be there for her if she genuinely wants to change, but if not then you will not be able to have any contact with her. At the wedding you can be polite and friendly without still being a close friend. I do hope she accepts your help. Good luck.
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