A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for five months. I hid my past relationships from him, because I didn't want him to think less of me.Last night, we fought on the phone for four hours. I finally told him the truth (I've kissed five boys, made out with 4, and "hands" with two).He yelled, cried, called me a fucking liar, told me he could never believe anything I said ever again, etc.Yet somehow, he's still in love with me, but he's hurt and angry and takes it out on me verbally with vengeance.We'd made up last night, and this morning we were talking until he got jealous about something all of a sudden and we started kind of arguing about it, and he brought up the fact that I've been nothing but a fucking liar since we first met....I was stung.I regret my past. I told him that if I could take it all back, if I could have met him first, I would have chosen him over anyone. I love him. I feel guilty, slutty, disgusting, and undeserving, and I want to forget... but he won't let me.I feel like I deserve all his words, so I can't really ask him to stop, or think of me, because he gets angry and says I never thought of him, what I say is bullshit, etc....I don't know what to do. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and he feels the same for me... but can he love me that much and still be that relentlessly cruel?please help me. I'm dying inside.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (5 September 2007):
 Please don't tell him any more!! He can't handle it. Besides it's in the past and that's where it needs to stay. You will only wreck your relationship further if you continue to persist in telling him every sorrid detail of your past kisses or whatever. Some things are best left unsaid. You've hit the highlights. Leave it at that. He's too immature or inexperienced to handle any more "truths". Sorry but that's my best advise. You should never feel obligated to talk about your entire romantic history with anyone, much less a guy who can't handle hearing about it. The less said the better then you won't have to spend any more times crying and puking your guts out. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionokay... following up.
we've been doing well lately. getting along, bickering every now and then, and still making up with kisses and tenderness at the end. he loves me, i love him, we're in love.
then last night... he did that thing where he'll randomly remember it or something will remind him of *my past*, and he'll start to be cold toward me. i ended up getting torn up and he held me while i cried and when i began to throw up, he got water and napkins for me and held my hair back and began being sweet again.
...then i remembered two more.
there were two more that i'd left out. not because i did it on purpose, i had just forgotten about them. one was one of those goofy little sandbox tight-lipped kisses, and i had completely forgotten about it over the years.
the second was one little one with a guy that i'd met over a mission trip. i regretted it and felt ashamed instantly, apologized, and completely forced it out of my mind for the longest time.
... i remember that now, and it's been plaguing me. i'm scared to death to tell him about it, because i'm scared shitless that he will dislike me or think much less of me.
if he's still not over the first wave of truth, how will he possibly be able to accept this? will he want rid of me? i just don't know if i should tell him, or what i could possibly say to reconcile, or if i should even tell him at all. regardless, it's killing me.
please, please help me. i'm at a loss.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): The problem isn't your past, it's your boyfriends inexperience and immaturity.
Do you really think it is a big deal that you've kissed a few boys? Of course it isn't.
This is the problem when you date at a young age - you both have to go through a lot of experiences that teach you how to behave with a partner.
Your boyfriend was totally out of line for the way he spoke to you, I suspect it has probably made him feel insecure and that he feels you arn't the girl he thought you were. Many young guys form a wrong impression of girls, they like to think that they are "untouched" and are the first to "get there" when in reality, the sexuality of someone doesn't work like that.
Your boyfriend has a right to feel upset, but he doesn't have a right to bad mouth you. I agree with some of the other comments - you need to look out for how this situation turns. He will either get over it, or he will get worse. If he continues criticising you, and becoming jealous and paranoid then maybe you should reevaluate whether things are going to work out long term.
You need to remain confident and stand up for yourself. Yes, you didn't tell him about your whole past; but it is hardly the crime of the century. Take a look at his reaction! It sounds like he would never have handled that information very well, even if you told him at the start of the relationship.
Don't feel bad - you'll get a lot more sexual experience as you get older and for the sake of a few encounters it really isn't worth arguing about is it? your boyfriend needs to ask himself if your past is really worth you guys breaking up? Because if he continues to hurt you, I don't doubt that your feelings will eventually start to die.
By all means make it clear how you feel for him, but don't let his issue become a means for him to make you feel bad whenever things go wrong, or whenever he feels low and wants to take it out on someone because sometimes that is how relationships can go when one person feels hurt but can't forgive and move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): I suspect that the fact that you lied about everything so completely for so long is the bigger issue. Mistrust tends to play a much larger role in peoples' reactions than the actual activities the other did.
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (6 August 2007):
It's just going to take time. He will figure it out the longer you two are together. If he sees that you won't bail out on him at the drop of a hat, or fight, he'll begin to trust again. My b/f was the same way, especially in the first year we were together. Looking back now, I think he was subconsiously testing me. Sometimes it seemed like he'd pick fights over the silliest most trivial things and we'd have this huge blow up. It really made me question him, but in the long run, I stuck it out and he's much calmer now. I think it was his way of seeing how quickly I'd run to the door because when he falls in love, he falls very deeply, and I think he just needed to know I had staying power. Perhaps this could be the case for your b/f too. Just continue to be loving and supportive and as long as he doesn't become truly violent with you, fight it out and work through the bumps if you can. You should see a change in him at some point. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's been a while, and we've fought over it a few more times, but we're starting to get better from it.
i think his real problem is that he is afraid that he will end up like the other exes of mine, or that i will hurt him as bad as his last girlfriend did. since he hasn't dated much, she's his only basis for comparison, and i think she has made him more selective.
how can i convince him that i care about him deeply, and wouldn't throw him aside so easily?
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A
female
reader, shauna  +, writes (3 August 2007):
just be sure you watch for warning signs, often verbal abuse turns into something more.
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A
female
reader, shauna +, writes (2 August 2007):
he is ridiculous, trust me. i have been with those types of guys before and they will never respect you. don't let him make you feel like crap because you've experienced something, not to sound bad but i have done much more and there are many MEN out there who won't mind. don't let his insecurities screw you up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe's a very self-conscious guy. he's older than me, but he's only been in one relationship. they dated for almost a year, but the furthest they went was kissing.
he has no need to be self-conscious at all. he's gorgeous, very well endowed, and really he's a sweet and sexy guy (when he's not angry, that is..)
he's not physically abusive, but some of the things he's said to me hurt me deeper than any knife cut or bruise could. and i feel like i can't tell him that, because that brings on the whole "YOU'RE the one that lied, and you expect ME to feel bad for YOU?"
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (2 August 2007):
Oh good lord, you are such a slut to have kissed 5 boys! I don't know what we're going to do with you. ha-ha. But seriously honey, your past is hardly a "past" at all! Your b/f sounds like he's led a very sheltered life and is very immature. True you hid these things from him, but that hardly makes you a liar or a slut. What was his past like, by the way? Most men have had a string of women they've slept with, had one-night stands, had a few threesomes and some wild, drunken sex by the time they're 18 or 21. And if he has no past, well there you go - hence the sheltered part I was talking about. If he has no past, then he's simply intimidated by yours because it makes you the one with more experience. (gasp!) Some men can't handle that. Okay so now everything is out in the open if he continues to bring it up, and throw it in your face, I'd say the relationship is doomed. He either needs to get over this and grow up a bit, or find some little virgin who's never even looked at a boy. And good luck with that one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): frist honey he has hes own issues you said you kissed ? wow well thats your passed not any time you were with him so yeah you need to set that bot stright say my past is my past dont be upseting your self because you like this boy okay he makes you feel this way and thats not right.what about hes past huh??? you are beautiful no mater what so why let him bring you down i admit that some guys and girls get jealious but to not Accept your past when you havent done any thing that bad and i do say that my husban was my frist love and my frist and the only guy ive kissed but not everyone gets that these days also i was 15 and he was 19 when we go together so we were young but if he cant understand that you did this before him and is in yourr pass and that you love him and only him and dont want anyother now, then i dont know what your going to do i just hope this doesnt get worse try talking to him in person, i just wish you all the best love takes alot ou of you at times but can be the best feeling and love is a good thing not a hurtful thing which it can be at times and just maybe you two will work thru this if not let love hurt because there is so much better out there dont let this ruin your way of thinking of love or relationships and not surely your self okay sweets best of luck dollsincerly luva
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