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age
41-50,
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writes: My best guy friend has been dating this HORRIBLE woman for almost two years. The relationship is on again, off again. He talks about wanting to be with somebody else because he doesn't like drama, but whenever they break up, she tells him what he wants to hear and he takes her back. Some of his friendships(including ours) have taken some hits because they can't stand how fake she is, and he's ALWAYS being put in the middle of her drama. He needs to be with somebody else which is really funny because he's been cheating on her with another woman throughout the WHOLE relationship; emotionally and physically. He's confessed to me that he likes the other woman more than he likes the other girl and she returns his feelings. They slept together two years ago, fooled around a lot last year, and when she moved away(she's in another country), they started having phone sex. What I don't understand is how can he continue to date one woman knowing deep down that he loves another? In addition, why can't he just be a man and come clean about the secret lover? It's not right he's living in denial because it's going to come back on him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Why would your friend subject himself and the people who love him to all that crap? He obviously has some insecurity issues. While I don't think for a minute you're meddling, he definitely has you caught up. And you know something? You have every right to be upset over this. Your friend made it your business when he put you and everyone else in the middle of his stuff. If this was a private issue and you were running your mouth stirring up trouble, then I'd say mind your own business. But since he's stirring the trouble himself, that's on him. Just be there for him when it all falls down. Just don't say I told you so when he gets hit upside the head with karma.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): WHY would a man be so open about his life and relationships with a woman who sees him as her brother? Girl, YOU need to wake up. YOU are the one he wants as his woman and since he can't have you (the top choice), he's settling for her (the bottom choice). He's making this stuff public in hopes you'll get SO jealous that you'll do something crazy like leave your man and go to him. But don't fall for it. If he can cheat on her with somebody else, he'll cheat on you. Why won't he come clean? Because he's a wimp and falling for a married woman is a BAD thing. But don't worry, baby. Denial doesn't last forever and once it leaves, they'll BOTH want out and stay out. It always happens.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): You need to take care of yourself so you can be physically and mentally fit to help him out when the relationship permanently ends. Trust me, it will happen and he will need you to be there for him so don't cut him off.
If you haven't done so already, start praying for God to bring somebody new into his life. Pray for somebody new to enter the current girl's life. Try NOT to pray for their destruction because by their own actions, they have already set the wheel in motion and the result will be terrible.
The guy will get his for coming off as a good guy when he's really a liar and a punk who doesn't know what he wants. The current girl will get hers for being fake and causing divisions in his relationships, including your friendship. The secret girl WON'T face anything if she ends it NOW. Since she confessed the affair, I think she's bigger and better than both of these people. At least she's not living in denial so good karma is coming her way.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Your best friend is an idiot for subjecting himself to an on again, off again relationship. Not only are these relationships a drain to the ones involved, it's a drain to EVERYONE in their lives. Nobody is immune to something like this. And those who think you should mind your own business(askoldersister) need to shut up. The fact that you're standing up for your friend and his peace of mind is brave and honorable. Keep on being his friend because he WILL need you when it all fall apart which it will. Relationships with that foundation NEVER last and it's just a matter of time before the drama gets to one of them, and it's over for GOOD.
Why can't he come clean about the affair? Because he's not a man. If he was, he would admit to it, and let the chips fall where they may. He's a little boy who likes to play games and come off as a good person. He told the current girl and others that he's only with her until somebody better comes along? She's very stupid and desperate for agreeing to an arrangement like that. Even though you don't like her, deep down you know she deserves better than him which is why it's hitting you hard. The secret girl has come clean, but I think she should cut him off until he gets his act together.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): I think you're right to be concerned. On again off again relationships are beyond unstable, and they NEVER last. Sure it could last years, but if the relationship was so stable, why did they break up in the first place? What you're doing is being a good friend, and he's lucky to have people who care enough about him to stand up and say something's not right. It's only fakers and losers that will tell you your situation's fine when it's evident it's not.
If this was a private thing, I'd tell you to stay out of it. But since your friend is putting all his business in the street and bringing you and others into it, he's making it EVERYBODY'S business as you said. So, ask oldersister, while you're entitled to your opinion, your second answer wasn't necessary. As the girl has stated, she has her own life, her own man. Probably living better than you considering what you just said. She's not meddling in anybody's business; she's asking why he can't be man enough to just come clean about the other girl and what he's been saying behind her back. And I'm going to answer it.
He's a player. He doesn't know what he wants and he probably feels he can't do any better which is why he's settling for trash. He's very stupid for getting involved with somebody with a lot of drama and even stupider for taking her back numerous times. Don't blame you and everyone else for being so irritated. The sex must be good, or he has the "hero syndrome" which guys find women with baggage and drama, and try to fix their lives when they should be fixing their own stuff. As for the secret girl, he's playing games with her heart and emotions which is very cruel and potentially dangerous. I'm guessing by what you've written he probably doesn't tell her when he's in the "on" phase with this girl so she thinks he's not cheating with her. But he is cheating, and she needs to break it off with him until he's free to be exclusively with her, or another man enters.
The current girl sounds really stupid, desperate, and unstable. If she knows he's not going to stay with her for the long run, why would she agree to stay with him? Also, if more than one person is coming up to you and saying, "hey, your man's not faithful," I'd pay attention. Me, personally, I wouldn't want to be with a guy I know won't be with me for the long haul. I'm assuming your friend has money which is the ONLY reason I can think of why she's staying with him. Plus he's cleaning up her mess of a life she probably brought on herself. See how long she stays when he finds himself completely broke without a job. Also, if I know his friends don't like me and I don't like them, that should be a red flag. True friends keep it real. Phony ones act like nothing's wrong. I don't believe for a minute he loves her or she loves him, otherwise he wouldn't be talking about meeting another girl; definitely wouldn't be having phone sex with somebody else.
Living in denial gets you nowhere except a huge dose of bad karma which believe me is coming if it hasn't already hit him. The secret girl I have to give props to for coming clean about the affair. The current girl needs to wake up and realize that she is just a warm body and charity case. Yes, it's been almost two years, but NOT a consecutive two years since it's on and off. And all the bitching he's done speaks death into that relationship everytime he opens his mouth. She WON'T be with him in the end. Mark my words.
As for you, my dear. Continue to be the good friend to him you've always been. If at all possible, try not to get sucked into the drama and also if possible, try to stop talking about it. I understand you need to vent, but give it a try and see what happens. Given how unstable it is and how many people are seeing and saying the same things you are, it's just a matter of time before what he's hearing starts to become crystal clear or the current girl comes out of denial and realizes she deserves better. Yes, I know you hate her since she's so fake, but as a woman, you know it's not right for a man to play with a woman's heart and emotions. As for the secret girl, pray that her heart will heal from this, and she finds true love before she completely loses it, and starts killing people. Push somebody hard enough, it WILL happen. Let that mess he calls a relationship fall apart on its own because it WILL. Just a matter of time before it does, and you'll be writing back here asking what should I give my best friend's NEW beautiful, drama-free, no baggae, high moral, keeps it real, everyone loves including me girlfriend for her birthday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhile it's true it's nobody's business, HE is making it EVERYBODY'S business by putting ALL his friends and family in the middle of it. Otherwise, we wouldn't give it any energy. And for the record, we do have our own lives. Problem is my friend keeps running his mouth to everyone to complain so NONE of us can really stay out of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy friend has told friends, family, and even the current girl that he's only dating her until somebody new comes along. When he first told me and my husband about the other woman, we learned they got together when he was off with the current girl. At the time, he swore up and down that he wasn't going to get back with the drama queen given how many warnings people had been giving him, but apparently she knows just what to say to get him to go back to her. It's ALWAYS the girl who wants to rekindle which is why SO many people are sick of that relationship. I think if you break up with somebody, you should just stay broken up. On again, off again relationships are SO unstable and that relationship (mark my words) will NEVER last. As one reader said, it's about the great sex.
When I met with the other girl, she told me that he's been telling her the same thing he's been telling everybody else about the current girl. When they got back together for the 5th time and she learned about it, she snapped and decided to tell her about what he'd been saying about her and about them being involved with each other. When she confronted him, he said it wasn't true and I just can't believe how much of a coward he is and how stupid the current girl is...because some more people who know about the other woman came forward and told her that he's not being faithful. She refuses to believe it and he won't come clean.
Even though I can't stand the phony bullcrap his current girlfriend puts out, he needs to have some respect for her and tell the truth about EVERYTHING so she can find somebody else and he can be with either the secret girl or another girl. My husband and I think enough is enough.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (26 July 2008):
 And what does that say about the type of guy he is then? He sounds like a real catch huh!
And the secret girl knows about the regular one? Geez, i'm even more convinced the regular girlfriend is the innocent party in it all.
C xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe guy is like my little brother, and a number of friends and family feel the same way about this girl that I do. I understand if somebody thinks I'm jealous, but the truth is I'm not. I have my own guy who doesn't do this to me. I'm concerned about him and the secret girl because I know them both. Everytime he talks about her, there's so new crap going on. The secret girl has told the girlfriend about the affair, but she doesn't believe it and my friend is denying it.
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (25 July 2008):
Hi
Ummm who are you concerned about here? I'm detecting some jealousy issues.
Of course the guy shouldn't be cheating on anyone, and i'm sure his usual beau isn't all that nice, but the way he's behaving, is he nice? Probably a match made in heaven, and the reason they are still together after 2 yrs. If her life is drama filled, his shenannigans will only add to that when it comes out, which it will. Who's faults that?
Who's really the drama queen in all this then?
He cant come clean about his secret lover because he has no balls. Its a common ailment. I have very little respect for people that cheat. I would be hard pushed to like them as a friend either.
I would let him get on with it, if he wants his life to be different, he will make it different. If he carries on the way he is, he wont have any choice, it will be very different at some point possibly soon when that cats out the bag!
C xxxxx
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 July 2008):
 If he's not willing to stand up for himself, there really isn't anything you can do. He needs to decide what he wants and stick to that decisions. My idea are people who say "I'll change" is, if they wanted the relationship, they would have acted proper in the first place.
Take care.
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