A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on dealing with a friend and her boyfriend. First some background info: I met her at a church we were attending when I was 14 and she was 7 in 1994, I'm now 27 and she's 20. When we met we hit it off instantly and we were like best buddies, I was the "big brother" type to her as she was an only child and adopted on top of that and she'd pretty much follow me around everywhere and we were pretty much inseperable. This went on for about 2 years then the church broke up and I lost contact with her but I saw her once in 1998. About 2 years ago I found her again (thru Google of all things) wanting to go to her high school graduation but by this time I'd moved 400 miles from her but for the past 2 years we've been writing back and forth, mostly thru email because to me it seems the "least intrusive" and seeing as we both have busy lives, it "worked" for both of us.During this time I've had a blast getting to know her again and it's pretty much been an "adult" version of old times, I'm not the "big brother" anymore, just a good friend; we get along great and talk to each other about anything, each of us giving advice to each other if we need it, or just talking about life in general, that is until about a week ago. In the 2 years since i found this girl again, she had been going thru a lot: an abusive boyfriend, she'd gotten pregnant, the boyfriend "roughed her up" (her words), he did meth with her and the baby in the house,they finally broke up, she put a restraining order on him, he went to rehab, she caught an std from a guy she was seeing who didn't tell her he had one, she lifted the order, and she told me many times she had "serious reservations" about him. This whole time I told her "I'm here as long as you need me" and I've tried my best to be someone she can lean on even if we are far apart, but then last week when I was going to be able to see her for the first time in 7 years I found out she'd gotten back w/ him and I got this (her words):"I don't know when you would catch me at home. I pretty much just eat and sleep there and that's about it. I don't think it would be a good idea, period. Sorry, when you first talked about coming down here Josh and I weren't back together and now we are. He wouldn't like it if I was around another guy at all. I feel the same way when it comes to girls and him though too. I am really sorry. I have been trying to think of a way to see you all week but it just wouldn't be right. Sorry, he just wouldn't understand and I think he would be really mad that I have been e-mailing you all this time. I have enjoyed writing you but I feel like I am doing something wrong. I wouldn't want Josh doing the same thing to me either. I hope you aren't too mad at me over this. I know you will be disappointed, but now is just not a good time." I was crushed but I understand. I wrote her saying that I did and that I'd be there no matter what and she wrote "Goodbye for now" but it makes me mad that she has went back to him with all that he did to her(she lives in a very small town and he was her 1st boyfriend so I think she feels a loyalty too him "I'm right there with him" she told me once) but what can I say or do to make her see that this guy is bad news? I know it may be hard to see from what I've written here but this girl is a very smart person but seems to do "not so smart" things with relationships. She and I both know that we can't make people change, that only *they* have to do it themselves, but how can I convince her to get out? I love and care about this girl, I'm tired of her hurting and getting hurt, what can I do to "make this better"? Even tho this isn't the case, you know what it seems like? Like we broke up, I lost my best friend, my dog got ran over, I lost my wallet, and somebody died all rolled into one, and on top of that it seems like it's the whole "Charlie Brown with the raincloud" thing...any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE!!!!!
My friend thought about everything and decided it wasn't worth losing our friendship, she wrote (in part):
"I don't think I can stop talking to you either. Don't take this the wrong way,but I need your support more than I realized. It is not that I didn't want to see you it is just that Iwanted to avoid an awkward situation with Josh. He keeps REALLY close tabs on me and I don't know how to explain this to him. Like I said it does not seem fair that I have a secret friend but who knows he might have a few secrets of his own. You can never tell with men. No offense.You know, I heard someone say last week that you can't bury people because it will come back to haunt you. That is not why I still want to write but it is true to some affect. It's not right to put people away upon a high shelf and only take them down when you need something. Have a good week, ok?"
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And ya know? I think I will... :) Thanks to everybody for their advice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everybody for your input, I think you all had some valid points but I think I need to clarify a couple things:
1. My friend dabbled in drugs but dosen't do any anymore, only the boyfriend (meth).
2. Yes sometimes I guess I still see her as she once was but I DO realize she is grown and that I can't protect her from the "big bad world" (I told her those exact words once.) :)
I neglected to mention that during this time we both were getting back to our roots with our spirituality, we both have walked away from God at one point having "grown up in church" but were slowly but surely reconnecting with it. I think another thing that was making me upset was that now that she's back in that situation all that we were learning/relearning on the spiritual side seems to be going down the tubes. To some this may seem like a bit of control (I really hope not) we both were wanting/ doing this together to improve our spiritual lives. I guess I am in love with this girl, but she and I both know we're "just friends" but we both know too that I'd do anuthing and everything I could to make her and her son's life the best it can be but like everyone has been saying, I fully realize that I can only "help" but it's ultimately up to her to want to change. Thanks to everybody for the advice, I'll keep you updated. :)
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Sorry to hear about your friendship. Let's break this down a bit. First, It's great you care for her so deeply. Good friendships like yours are hard to come by. With friendship also comes respect. You're going to have to respect her when she doesn't want contact at this time. If you know anyone in the area where she lives, who knows her, you might set someone up to just keep an eye out. Not to spy, but someone who runs into her every now and again, that can see if she's well.
Her email symbolizes someone who is in an abusive situation. First lets look at why she might be. People are attracted to characteristics, if attracted to the wrong characteristics, they may be the ones prominent in abusive or controlling behaviors.
Back to her email. She keeps on saying "he would be mad" or "he wouldn't like it" those are signs in themselves. In most relationships we don't know what the reaction of another would be, until we bring it up. She's predetermining his reaction. Second, she then justifies it by saying she would feel the same way. That is a way to try to play a trick on others, like were stupid or something, if she justifies it, she attempts to make you believe his behavior is OK, when we know it is not.
There's really nothing you can do to try to convince her to get out. Abuse creates disassociation in people. You can try to convince them, but it's almost like you're talking about someone else and not them. Almost like trying to tell an alcoholic that they are one, and they haven't come to terms with it yet. It's like talking to a brick wall.
If you find out abuse is going on, and she's been hit or anything, I would notify the authorities. You have love for her, and those I love I would rather not like me for turning them in, than have them love me and not be here anymore to express it. Abuse is scary, you can sit around and hope things get better, but controlling behavior has a tendency to increase and get worse.
Take care and good luck. When she needs help, I'm sure you'll be contacted.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 You can not help someone that does not want to be helped. Stay out of it. Give her a hotline or support group information, and then it is up to her.
You are in love with her, but she only sees you as a friend.
She is with him because he fulfills her emotional needs in ways that you and other "nice guys" do not. That is why she is with him and not you. Nice guys do not address women's emotional needs (that is why you are the "friend" aka "emotional cookie man" aka "big brother". He is a jerk, and his behaviors are mis-interpreted as addressing her emotional needs.
You can not make her see him as bad news. It is not a logical thing. It is emotional. They ONLY way to break the cycle is for you or some other man to address her emotional needs withOUT violence or drugs. It's that, or at the very least SHE needs to reach a point where she wants the violence and drugs to stop.
Look, what I really think is going on is that you still see her as that girl you once knew. She is not. She is an adult, sounds like a drug addict, and pretty screwed up. But instead of looking at the way she is, you still interpret her through your vision of the way she used to be.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 September 2007):
 It sounds like you have fallen in love with her. That's too bad because she doesn't seem to feel the same about you. That's painful for sure but I don't see anything you can do about it at this point. Stay busy with your own life and perhaps she will decide her current relationship isn't cutting it and seek you out again. But don't sit around waiting for it to happen. Good luck Buddy!
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A
female
reader, red1982  +, writes (14 September 2007):
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't think there is much you can do though.
You can't make her leave him and she obviously can't help but love him and hope that he will change.
She is probably scared of this man and knows that if he catches her e-mailing another man she will be in big trouble (whatever the reason) and is cutting contact to protect herself.
All you can do is wait and hope she comes to her senses. When she leaves him she will probably get back in contact as i'm sure she is as hurt as you are. Although you have to think of yourself as well, can you really cope with being there for her everytime they split up and then get 'dumped' again when they get back together. It may take years for her to leave him for good - or she may not at all.
Sorry to sound so negative but i really don't think this friendship will bring you anything but heartbreak unless she leaves ber boyfriend.
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