A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay so I expect there will be judgement my way on this but the subject I'm writing in about it really bothering me.I know a woman for over thirty years since we was seventeen years old, I guess in those years I would say a friend. I'm not going to completely slate her because there have been times she has been there for me and her personality is pleasant enough.However in the past few months I have become angrier in my thoughts towards her and quite honestly I feel this woman constantly lands on her feet in life with absolutely no effort on her part. Her first husband she got by having sex with him knowing full well he was married, had a baby and was in our local paper for hitting his first wife with a poker stick, they couldn't help themselves and she married him, unsurprisingly he was nasty to her and cheated yet she will act the victim on that on social media going on about domestic abuse and his first wife is even friends with her because they both fell foul to this man, WTF is it just me or did my friend not knowingly take this man knowing how he was? She's like Teflon, nothing sticks, man after man, sordid relationships and there is nothing she owns that she has bought from hard graft, I've NEVER known her to hold down a job anymore than around ten hours a week because second hubby funded her, she's now on full time benefits and disability for long term covid even though she's at standing gigs and concerts week in week out. Her new boyfriend is all over her, gushing about how special she is, how sexy blah blah blah and she honestly thinks by the stuff she posts and what she says to me that she deserves all she is getting in life.My relationship of five years has broken down and I honestly think my ex has no respect or regard towards me, he certainly never gushed about me yet I've worked all my life, provided for my only child raising her with no input from a man and everything I have has been from working hard.I just don't get it, why do men fuss around women like her yet I have been treated like shit?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2022): Been in your shoes OP, been in your shoes. And what I can tell you is this.
You don't have men fawning over you because you don't demand it. You are independent. You take care of yourself. Your finances. Your child. You are not a damsel in distress. And men see that. I might be in a complete minority but from what I've experienced in life, most men(as much as they deny it) love having a woman depend on them. I'm not just saying financial dependency, I'm saying emotional dependency. You, my dear OP, are too proud and too mature for that and that is why they don't fawn upon you.
I bet this woman tells them, I have a huge disability. *Tears*. I have no job, you have to take care of me, you're all that I have. *Tears*. I have no one in my life but you. *Tears*.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 March 2022):
 Yeah what he said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2022): Typo correction:
"We [see the] illusion of their lives, false-representations; while they lived the stark reality of it."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2022): Thank you all for your replies, all of you gave me something to think about and Mysticstella you are right, he was fed up of me comparing our relationship to others.
I don't feel that I envy her, I wouldn't want her life nor to live it the way she does knowing its not been my own money that has paid for my belongings. I'm not rich but I work hard to have things which I can afford. I don't want male attention and endless relationships. I just honestly feel she really does think she is deserving of what she has and gets and its never been through any real work for the rewards.
This new man, potential husband number three has told her he wants to get a mortgage for a bigger house for them, takes her away for weekends and tells her he wants to spend his life with her. Honestly that's what bothers me, the fact my now ex never made me feel like i was important, I messaged him two months ago and told him he had left me feeling worthless and nothing as a person and he has ignored me. I work hard but I also tried very hard to make it work with him, I loved him, never been married and really wanted that commitment but he obviously didn't feel the same.
I guess in time I'll get better and feel better but when I see this woman say and go on about how she deserves a good man, how great her life is quite honestly I wonder what I have done to deserve this in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2022): Girlfriend, go get yourself a cup of tea, a mug of coffee, or a glass of wine. This is going to be a long one.
First, let me say this, don't you feel alone about what you're feeling; because it's normal and human to have the very thoughts you've expressed in your post. We all have that friend, co-worker, classmate, or family-member who lives life like Evel Knievel (Google the name); and they seem to always come-out without a scratch. They are impetuous, headstrong, obnoxious, and arrogant; but life doesn't seem to knock them on their bums like it seems to runover us like a freight train. One slip, and we get the ever-loving wind knocked out of us! I know exactly what you mean!
She seems like a phoenix who rises from the ashes, only to go set herself on fire again, right?!!
Here's what I had to learn about thinking like that; and I'm still a work in progress about it. I've always struggled to get what I've wanted. I mean, I had to put-in an extra 200%; while it seems everybody else just glided right into wherever they wanted to be; what they wanted seemed almost given to them. Making very little effort, they seemed so nonchalant; and it just fell into their laps! Here's me, braking my back; up late nights worrying about the next day. Grieving my losses, and despairing over my failures!
Wondering why God let irresponsible people and bad-people prosper? While it seems I have to nearly kill myself, to achieve the goals I've set forth for myself; or to gain the rewards that I've craved and dreamed about. How it seems some people defy all the rules, toss all caution to the wind; and come out of it virtually unscathed and victorious! I've tried to follow all the rules, I've tried to be a goody two-shoes; and I've listened to all those things my parents drilled into me. Yet it seems nobody else was doing any of that goody-goody hallelujah stuff. They got whatever they wanted, and had fun getting it! It came to them expeditiously, I seem to always have to wait!
I'm all grown-up, I'm a Christian; and many revelations have been revealed to me about that line of thinking. Why was I spending so much time and energy worrying about what other people have, or what they were doing? Why am I comparing what I have to what they have? Why am I so obsessed with their business, when I've got my own share of mess and mishaps to attend to??? Why???!!!
It's because we envy. It's one of the devil's favorite tools. It drives us off-course, we lose track of our own goals and ambitions, it consumes us; and it makes us hateful and resentful of other people. It sours the soul, and zaps the light from our spirits.
Envy is the devil's swiss army knife, it's several different tools rolled into one. Jealousy has all sorts of uses and an endless assortment of effects. It turns us against our siblings, it creates division among nations, and every living soul on the planet is a victim of it. Being the person who is envious, or the target of envy; either-way, it's destructive! Nobody is immune to it! It can be spread like an infectious disease; but now that we have the aid of social media. It goes global!
Nobody has a perfect life. All that stupid posing and the never-ending blitz of selfies is nothing but showing-off and bragging.
It's all scripted, fabricated, and contrived to beg for attention and worship. Insecurity that disguises itself as confidence; and narcissism that begs for worship and a fanbase. Yet we sit there enthralled and caught-up in it. Believing this nonsense, like any human being on earth has a life without sorrows, sickness, sadness, failure, or pain. Just because they have money or fame; their lives are all wonderful and happy all the time. Then why do so many of these same showoffs end-up in the headlines as suicides??? Why are so many being treated for clinical depression when they have all that money, fame, millions of followers, and worshippers? BECAUSE NONE OF IT IS TRUE!
They try to make you think things are better than they are. If only you could be a flea or a fly on the wall; you'd see all that goes-on behind closed-doors. I've even heard someone say, "I wouldn't mind being miserable, as long as I was rich!" Why would you still be unhappy in spite of your wealth? Seems you'd be all the more frustrated you can't buy your way out of misery! Beautiful rich-people commit suicide, leaving us all wondering why in the world would they do that??? They had it all! Husbands, wives, kids, money! Their lives were godless and empty. Money can't fulfill all our needs. Everyone feels pain and sadness. We saw they illusion of their lives, false-representations; while they lived the stark reality of it.
Your friend doesn't land on her feet, she lands in God's safety net! As you and I have many times, or we wouldn't be here to talk about it.
Your friend doesn't want anyone's pity; so she manipulates the truth, and omits the dirty-details. Making it appear as if "I'm okay! Don't worry about me!" Yes, God is merciful; and He blesses and protects both the good and the wicked. He can't help it; because He loves us humans like that! You are an individual, accountable for no-one's soul and actions but your own. You have no right to question, why she lands on her feet? Haven't you also? Maybe she prays her way through and out of things; thus, she perseveres and she is a survivor. By God's mercy and grace; it is because she has some faults and weaknesses yet to be resolved. As we all do! Hence, the Lord is merciful; until she reaches that point of deliverance. She may have relatives, loved-ones, or her parents; who are always praying for her safety and well-being. God hears and He answers prayers.
I've lived my life in pursuit of success, and making money; and living what I thought was the good-life. Decadence and greediness. Materialistic, and seeking recognition. Others probably envied me too; but I was envying everyone who does half what I do, and seemed to get a heck of a lot more! Forgetting to be thankful for my own blessings; which seemed small in comparison, because I was too busy worrying about Lottie, Dottie, and everybody else! Always comparing mine to theirs! God handles us uniquely; according to our own ways, strengths, and weaknesses. You're human, so you can't see what He sees in people.
I found a cure. That being, minding my own business, reading my Bible, meditation, and prayer. The divine kind of meditation, not the other stuff. By His grace, I've turned my attention away from material-things, greed, selfishness, and envy. It still crops-up! I've started appreciating small things, realizing how much I had that I've taken for granted; and it hit me that I could lose everything in the blink of an eye! All of it! In a storm, a fire, a financial disaster; or I could just drop dead! Yet, I'm worrying about what other people have, and what they're doing??? Seriously?!! I pray like crazy for the people in the Ukraine, Syria, and other countries; who know what suffering truly is! Then I fall back into the scope of reality.
My dear, your struggles are designed specifically for you. Tailormade, so you will learn, grow, and pass-on what you've learned to the next generation. I am here, not because I'm better than anybody; I'm here because I share the pain, faults, and weaknesses of everyone who posts and reads Dear Cupid. I had to give-up my idols, stop putting money before God, stop hating, stop being so materialistic. When you rebuke human-faults, or stand-up against evil; you'll be accused of being judgmental. How do you correct wrong without exposing it? How do you help people who ask for help, who don't want constructive-criticism? How do you help people when they want you to sugarcoat things, tell them what they want to hear, and downright lie to make them feel good about themselves...even if they are in the wrong, or the problems they complain about are their own fault?
You tell the truth, you humble yourself to admit your own humanity, faults, and weaknesses; but you use your growth and experience to help others. God rewards us for that...BIG TIME! You'll have to ask for nothing, because blessings will start to flow. Not just material things, but things more important to our survival and spirit. You just don't seem to feel the darkness that used to shadow over your life as before; it's as if a nasty spell has been broken. Like someone turned-on a light in a pitch dark room!
Your friend is not happy, and if she repeats her mistakes without learning; she feels compelled to publish false-reports telling all who know her how unaffected she is. Maybe pretending she is stronger than her challenges. If she doesn't give God the glory, and claims it all for herself; it's probably nothing but lies and denial. If you survive a challenge, or overcome an obstacle; it is foolish/stupid/insane to go back and repeat the very same actions that got you into that mess! It's an act of defiance to go on social media and lie, telling everybody "I was stupid and reckless, and I came out of it victorious!" Oh really?!! Lift your shirt, and let me see the scars and open wounds you're hiding!
No, that wasn't it at all! If you brag because you're a survivor, that's good; but if you brag boasting about your stupidity, you're on the path to self-destruction!
God was merciful, you were saved by His grace; because He protects babies and fools! God lets the sun shine and the rain fall on the good and the evil. Because He is kind, loving, forgiving, sovereign; and it's His world to do whatever He pleases, and to bless whomever He wants. Just like you loved and spoiled your daughter; whether she was good or bad! You did it because you adore her, you are responsible for her, and she is your life! Our Heavenly Father is the same for those we envy, and we think they are undeserving, and we envy their good-fortune; because we wish them calamity and bad-luck. We resent them for being blessed. We want them to be punished! Only thing is, all their reward ends here on earth. Punishment is inevitable. God doesn't let the evil go unpunished; or when we do misdeeds, not be chided and corrected for them. It's a completely different outcome in the after-life for the evil. Unbelievers will not understand a word of what I'm saying, and will mock me. I don't mind. It's not for their sake I wrote this, it's only for those it will help! It's for you! You can delete it, refute it, or ignore it! Hopefully, someone can use it!
You don't realize that there are those who envy you! How you've survived the odds, how you've done it all on your own, how you've lived through rough times; but you're still here to talk about it. You had a kid, when others are infertile. Those who've had a number of miscarriages, and are losing faith. Will envy you.
Don't wish harm or failure upon your friend. She is accountable for her own actions; and you can only see what's on the surface. God has the ability to see what's in our hearts, in spite of our faults and failures.
In spite of her faults, you said she was there for you. That's why God has been merciful to her, for her acts of kindness towards you; and probably others. Like the woman who washed the feet of Jesus with her tears, and dried them with her hair. Others knew her sins, but Jesus knew her heart!
Some of us have to go through many tests, trials, and failures; because there is something we are being prepared for. No-one knows what it is, but God; and He reveals His secrets when He's good and ready!
Unbelievers or scoffers don't appreciate this kind of advice. I don't take it personally. It's only my opinion. I am exercising my freedom of speech; and I am passing on wisdom that may only be appreciated by only a single individual. If it makes God happy; my rewards come in blessings on earth, or in the afterlife. I'm content with that.
God bless you, lift the burden of envy from your shoulders; and may He direct all your thoughts toward what you have been blessed with, and should be thankful for. Like a daughter who loves you, and was one of the best things that ever happened in your life! Even through thick and thin, you were there protecting her, and providing for her...with His help! Don't shun other's who receive God's mercy or blessings; even though, technically, they don't deserve it. Leave that up to Him.
[Psalm 37:1-3]; "Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness."
[Job 5:2]; "Surely resentment destroys the fool, and jealousy kills the simple."
[Proverbs 14:30]; "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 March 2022):
 You do realize that what goes on in her life has no bearing on YOUR life? If she died tomorrow, nothing would change in your life. Your two lives are not mutually exclusive. You can both do well, or badly, or anywhere in between. Would your life be any better if she had a boyfriend who took her for granted? Of course it wouldn't.
It is easy to feel a bit envious or bitter if you are one of those people who has always had to earn everything you have and you watch others seemingly effortlessly sail through life, getting whatever they want with what seems like no effort on their part. (Another one here who has worked for everything all her life so I can totally relate.) However, there is enough happiness and good fortune to go round for everyone. Just because she seems to get everything handed to her on a plate (I say "seems" because you don't really know what price she pays for what she appears to have - like being the victim of domestic abuse), does not mean your life is automatically the poorer for it. Her good fortune would not make a real friend unhappy and bitter but rather pleased that at least one of you has it a little easier. Perhaps this friendship has run its course and you need to distance yourself from her?
I feel quite sad for you that you do not see the value in what you have achieved. You raised your child singlehandedly yet brush that off like it is insignificant. THAT, to me, is one of the biggest achievements in life and one you should be extremely proud of. No, you didn't have it easy. You had to graft to get where you are, but you have done it with your own sweat and toil. THAT is something to be proud of, not some flaky man "gushing" all over you. I mean, come on. I bet your friend's first husband gushed all over her as well before abusing her.
Look at what you have achieved in life and, instead of resenting how hard you have had to work for it, be proud of your efforts and your integrity and thank your lucky stars you had the strength of character to get where you are. YOU are the lucky one, not this woman who lives off the state and any man she can snare. Stop envying her. There is nothing to envy.
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female
reader, MysticalStella +, writes (17 March 2022):
 No judgment from me, but I guess if you're being judgmental yourself you're bound to expect judgment from others. This is just a matter of perspective. So anyway let's get right into the heart of the matter here with the central question. Are you really happy with your life right now? I think we both know the answer here, don't we? If you were truly happy with your life then I'm fairly sure that you wouldn't have come here and posted what you did. Okay so if you're not really happy with your life right now we need to ask the next question. Do you want to be really happy with your life? Please feel free to message me if you feel that you really don't want to be happy in life, but I'm going to assume that yes you do really want to be happy in life. Now please keep in mind here that life is always fair. Natural Law is predicated entirely upon equilibrium, harmony, balance and flow. It might not always seem that way, but life is always fair just as night always follows day and we always need air to breathe. So let's examine the question of why you aren't really happy with your life right now. Please forgive me for not joining your pity party but I don't like giving advice on the basis of hearsay. But what I do want to point out is that, whenever you base your happiness on external factors beyond your control, or on how you compare with other people, you're never going to find happiness. Life is not a race or a competition. Nobody is going to give you a prize or a medal for how hard you've worked in life. You're just going to end up old, and knackered, with perhaps a spare tyre, wrinkles on your face, and a great deal more difficulty when you try to get up off your knees. People who've worked hard throughout their lives just end up being older and find it harder to find energy. That's it. But see happiness, which is one of the whole points of being alive, is a state of mind. It comes down to you to seek out and find reasons to be happy and cheerful from what you are doing in your life. This is a fundamental aspect of living, you need to be happy with who you are and who you see each time you look in the mirror, and you need to be happy with what's going on in your life. Otherwise you're going to end up being miserable in life. Trust me, there's nothing which can make your life seem longer and boring than being miserable and unhappy with your life. One of the easiest and quickest ways of not being happy and being miserable is comparing yourself to other people and judging them, and judging yourself as a result. This is a short cut into the world of crazy. You will always find someone who's better off than you, and what do you get out of that? You end up putting yourself down, or you will invariably end up pulling out and playing the victim. You really want to go through life as a victim? Think about it. This is probably something what might have contributed to the breakdown of your relationship and why your ex has no respect or regard for you. Playing Devil's Advocate here, it's not easy being around people who keep comparing themselves to others and being judgmental. In fact in some cases it can be tiring, even emotionally draining. I'm just throwing this out there for you to think about. I'm not suggesting that this was the case. I don't know you. Just something for you to think about. But what I am saying is that being happy in life is down to you, and you alone, and happiness is a state of mind and therefore a matter of perspective. If you're not happy with your life as it is right now, try changing your perspective, and if that doesn't work, then try changing something what you're doing in life until you reach a point where you're happy with life. There's also the obvious caveat here in that whatever makes you happy does not need anyone else's approval or validation. It's totally okay and cool to be happy with stuff that other people don't understand. If walking down the main street in town in your bare feet smoking a big fat Cuban cigar is what makes you happy then do it. Just don't be happy with hurting or harming anyone else. I guess this wasn't the response you expected or perhaps were hoping for but if you want to be happy in life you really do need to stop making comparisons between yourself and other people. It's an Ego trip. Nothing good every comes out of it. But please think about what I've said and think about doing more for your own happiness. I want you to be happy and I'm fairly sure that you do too, right?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2022): Sweetie, please stop being so hard on yourself. You have no reason to be. Let me tell you that life is not as great as it appears for us women who men seem to be interested in. First, take into account the type of men she attracts. They are most likely damaged like she is. Those relationships are never healthy or long lasting. Ok? You can land as many men if you want if you are NOT choosy and are vulnerable or insecure or needy. And you need men to complete you or validate you. I am sure if you lowered your standards like she does, you could also attract these types of men. Remember she cheated with a married man. Not something to be proud of. Also remember that she is not special because a married man chose her. She made herself available. She was easy and dropped her standards. Any woman can do that. And married men would take advantage just because it was offered on a silver platter. No other reason. Does not make these women special, it just makes them desperate and insecure with no self worth. But you are not like her. You are not desperate, in need of male attention like it's a drug, and you are much more together in your life and have self worth. That is why you are choosy with men and do not lower your standards just to have as many men as you can because you think you are nothing without their attention. You should be the one she is JEALOUS of. Ok? And trust me, she is probably secretly jealous of you. But no way would she ever admit it.I would not be on social media saying what she did about abuse or being with a married man and then tearing the guy down with his ex. That is so low class OP! She is an attention whore. Who wants to be like that? Of course her new boyfriend gushes about her. She probably has lots of sex with him to prove to herself she is sexy or beautiful. Once the sex stops, just watch the guy and see what happens. He will no longer think she is sexy or gush about her. Guys are transparent and women know what to do when it comes to getting their attention. Trust me, it is all about the sex. Any woman can perform in bed to impress a man. But think about it. That has got to be so EXHAUSTING to keep trying to outdo yourself, trying to keep being sexy so that he pays attention and doesn't leave you for the next best thing. She is insecure and trying too hard to keep him. She is the one lowering her standards. So why would you be jealous of that? Feel SORRY for her. It is shameful and sad really. It is all about her insecurities. She will do this to any and all men. And of course they will gush. She is fucking them. She is giving them exactly what they want. And they are enjoying the sex. Nothing to do with her as a person. It sounds to me like she is a pretty messed up person and these guys are just using her. They see an opportunity to use a messed up woman and they take it. Again, feel sorry for her. So what if she gets benefits? Who cares? Again feel sorry for her that she cannot stand on her own two feet and scams her way out of life. That can't be a very comfortable feeling. Feel sorry for her having to live that way, relying on hand outs and male attention. It is sad.You work. You take care of your child. You are together and there is no reason why you should not think more highly of yourself. Also, relationships sometime end. If yours has, it has nothing to do with her. Remember, he affair and relationship with the married guy ended, and the one where the guy is gushing all over her will also end. Just wait and see. People always put on an act and pretend in public. But behind closed doors there is a world of pain they will never tell you about.You don't want to be some messed up bimbo like her OP. You are better than that. Keep being you. Focus on yourself and your child and your life. And distance yourself from her. Have nothing to do with her on social media. She is not a good influence on you. Work on doing things to make you feel better about you. Take courses, take part in activities, get a new hairstyle, join a gym. Whatever makes you happy. When the time is right, you will meet a good guy. Unlike her who is going to go through men like kleenex. That is because she is needy and desperate but you ARE NOT. Also, no woman needs a man to validate them. You can do that for yourself. It means you are stronger and love yourself. And that is a good thing!! Hope this helped you feel better. Take care.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 March 2022):
 You are only getting a snippet of what her life is really like. You could say she puts on a face, in person and on social media, and she may come across as the most confident person in the world, and always lands on her feet, but the reality is probably very far from that.
Maybe things are not as good for her as you think, maybe she looks at your life and secretly envies the life you have.
Stop putting your energies into how good you think her life is, as in my opinion this is wasted energy. Instead focus more and your life and the good things in it. I'm sure that you have a lot to look forward to and be grateful for, put your energies into these.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2022):
 OP,
Jealousy and bitterness are an odd fish to live with.
You are comparing yourself to her. Yet, I think you have forgotten that LIFE isn't fair. And even good people can get shafted in life.
You might think (looking in on he life through social media and whatever SHe tells you) that her life is grand and awesome, but think about this. She has absolutely NO independence. It is necessary for her to do whatever it takes to charm and reel in a guy who is willing to take care of her financially. Of course, her BF is "gushing " about her. She is (at least in private) bending over backward to hook him.
It doesn't sound like she has had a great life. Dating men who probably haven't treated her as well as YOU may think.
Would YOU trade life with her?
Everything you have you have EARNED. Everything she has was given to her, which means it can be taken back too.
OP, focus on the good in your life. Don't compare yourself to someone else. It's pointless. You are you, she is her.
Don't waste your time being jealous or bitter over her. What is the point in that? Does it make your life better? No. Does it make her life worse? No.
Life isn't fair.
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