A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Curious for some opinions here. I'm an out gay female. A new girl started working at my job recently. She's roughly my age and straight. Seemingly the boy-crazy type of straight. Never been with a woman before. Which is what is so confusing to me about this.Right off the bat, she had taken a clear liking to me. At first, I just assumed in a totally friendly manner. For example, she asked for my number right away, but didn't ask for anyone else's number. And friended me on social media, but still hasn't added anyone else. I honestly thought nothing of this at all, other than she just liked me as a person and wanted to be friends. But over the course of the last couple weeks, she has started to text me more and more, to the point of it being virtually all day, every day, and almost all of it is extremely flirtatious. She has said things as direct as saying she has a girl crush on me and is jealous of other women in my life. She has also commented about pictures of me on social media, telling me how cute and attractive she thinks I am. And has even made some sexual comments about being more of the submissive type and liking that I'm more dominant, and how we would be a good match. I've also engaged in the flirting, and certainly encouraged some of it. I have told her she has really pretty eyes, and joked that she wants to get me drunk to take advantage of me (after she mentioned wanting to cook for me and get me drunk). All of which she appears to really like. Which leads me to the ultimate question: What on earth does this girl want from me? Of course I could ask her. But I feel that's too straight-forward (pun intended) and honestly, not usually how this sort of thing works for such a delicate situation. There's no question in my mind that she flirts with me. But what is her intention? Is she just a straight girl that likes attention? Or is she actually interested? If she were gay or bisexual, I'd know for sure she was into me based on her behavior. But with her having never been with women, it really adds an element of confusion. Thanks in advance!
View related questions:
crush, drunk, engaged, flirt, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, MysticalStella  +, writes (17 March 2022):
 Okay so what you've given us here is a 'What is she thinking?' type post. As I'm a mystic and not a psychic I hope you don't mind but I reached for my coins and turned to the I-Ching.
What I got was the teaching of the Ta Khu. This refers to the Great Accumulation. So let me quote..
"What the Thwan teaches, is that he who goes about to accumulate his virtue must be firm and correct, and may then, engaging in the public service, enjoy the king's grace, and undertake the most difficult enterprises."
So how does this apply to your question?
Okay so you're out and gay. You've met a woman in your workplace who is roughly your age and straight. There's some flirting going on between you, maybe some chemistry and a connection.
For clarification the result of the coin toss was 26, so in the hex of six lines three lines top and three lines bottom in the top you got an unbroken line and two broken lines, and in the bottom you got three unbroken lines.
What you need to do is to look within here. What do you feel? What do you think? What are you seeking?
You see if you add 2 to 6 you get an eight. Eight is the mystical principle of power. But that only refers to the connection. That's not what you were asking about, was it?
But see between 2 and 6 you get four, which is perspective.
The actual interpretation I'm giving you here from the I-Ching is to stand firm, be who you are, and hold out until you're clear about what it is she wants from you.
If you set your sights on what you want and need, which I'm assuming is a loving same sex relationship then whatever love is in the relationship, and the connection, should survive any obstacles, confusion, or hindrances.
Your power here comes from your restraint.
You also need to consider the option that she could be out to make trouble. She could be testing you. She could be fooling around. If this turns out to be the case you should not confront her directly, but seek to confront her indirectly. Directly confronting those who seek to make trouble or seek to hurt us develop ways of draining you of your power and also ways of using your energies against you.
If she wants to be with you, and she is genuine in her intentions, then she will make it clear. Until that point you shouldn't take any of this seriously. After that point, you can figure out how you want to play this as a couple.
It's on her to make it clear where she wants to go with this. Please keep this in mind.
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (17 March 2022):
 I think she sounds a bit full on in my opinion, especially as you both work together.
She asked for your number straight away, she has not left you alone texting you constantly texting you, then say's she is jealous of other woman in your life.
I find this behaviour quite worrying if i'm honest, and as only started at your work recently i assume you never divulged the fact that you were gay, so how did she find this out so soon?.
You also label her as the typical boy crazy type, and never been with a woman before, you both seem to know an awful lot about each other considering she only recently started at your work.
My advice would be to keep it strictly business with her, be polite, friendly but don't take it any further than this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2022): Workplace? Don't s*it where you eat, that's the biggest piece of advice I can give you . Whatever it is, do not allow it to go further.
"I've also engaged in the flirting, and certainly encouraged some of it ". There you go. You're just going to fall into big trouble if you don't stop this right away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2022): Typo corrections:
"People come-out of the [closet] when they're ready; and you're messing with A CO-WORKER!!!
I said: "Getting a gay person getting drunk and making a passes or unauthorized advances at a straight-person is big trouble!"
Better said this way:
"A gay-person getting drunk, and making passes or unauthorized advances at a straight-person, is big trouble!
*All she needs is a witness, video, or record it. Then it can't be denied.
"Who's going to quit, or [who's] likely to be fired???
"Take it all as a joke; because if she [decides] to turn it into something else, you may be the one on the losing end of it."
"I always let them know I'm not a joke, and my sexual-orientation is as serious and real [as] theirs!"
P.S.
We don't have the tool to edit our posts online. We hit "send," and may have to go back and correct our errors. I want readers to fully understand what I'm writing, and many don't speak English well; so I make sure they get a full understanding, proper grammar, and punctuation; even if I have to write it over! Please pardon my typos!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2022): First you said this:
"I'm an out gay female. A new girl started working at my job recently. She's roughly my age and straight. Seemingly the boy-crazy type of straight. Never been with a woman before."
As a gay-man, I'm going to hand it to you straight. (Pun intended!) You are a novelty, and a social enigma to straight-girls. To some, you're a freak. Her first direct and up-close encounter with a real-live lesbian. A joke to runback to her friends at happy hour! You are an "out" gay-person; which gives her an upper-hand. Your sexual-orientation is confirmed, and not a secret. She is stroking her own ego to see how hot and bothered she can get a lesbian. You're going for the bait, and could be setting yourself up to be later accused of sexual-harassment.
If a straight-woman accused you of harassment, and you accused her of sexual-harassment...whom do you think they'd believe???
She's toying with you. She knows you're gay, but you're the one with all the questions. I tell gay-people all the time, straight people are straight; until they tell you they're gay or bisexual. If you've got to guess, err on the side of caution; because there are scam-artists out there looking for a big payoff from law suits. Ever heard of a weekend-lesbian? They're straight all week, and come-out to play only on weekends. Then they go back to their world on the other-side of the fence; to their boyfriends, husbands, and kids. They were just "curious!" They had one too many cosmos!
She is a co-worker, so you have no business dating or flirting where you earn your bill and rent money. No, it's not your duty to bring anybody over, or to change someone's orientation. People come-out of the closed when they're ready; and you're messing with A CO-WORKER!!! Not some random female you met in a club or on the street. You are not the chosen-one, to be her gay-guide to usher into the gay-world. Where do gay-folk get these notions?!!
It's all talk and jive, and the minute you make a move...God only knows?!! Let's say she'll freak-out! Then what would you do? You are a person, not a joke! Getting a gay person getting drunk and making a passes or unauthorized advances at a straight-person is big trouble! No-one would believe it was the other way around!
You're out, and in your 30's; and you should have a lot more street-smarts than that!
You're placing your job at risk. You'll start rumors and gossip at work; and if she decides she doesn't want to be falsely-identified as gay. Who's going to quit, or whose likely to be fired??? You know how it goes. If you're too friendly with gay-people; you're gay by association, not by your own admission. That's when straight-people panic!
Frankly, it's exhausting always advising "out" gay-people to stop chasing people who identify as straight!!! If they are in the closet, leave them there; until they come-out like you did. Then you don't have to guess if they are, or if they're not!!! We can't tell you, only she can! You want to hear it said out of her own mouth!
DO NOT GET DRUNK WITH HER! Drunk-sex is legally-classified as rape!
Then you said this:
"I've also engaged in the flirting, and certainly encouraged some of it. I have told her she has really pretty eyes, and joked that she wants to get me drunk to take advantage of me (after she mentioned wanting to cook for me and get me drunk).
Then it may come-down to wishful-thinking on your part; and you've gone for the bait. You must assume anybody is heterosexual until THEY _TELL_ YOU OTHERWISE! Not by rumor or presumption! She's teasing you and messing with your mind. Wanting to see how deep she can get into your head! Are you a newcomer to DC? How many posts do you think we get like yours? Hoping someone pops out of the closet...ta-dah, I'm queer too!!! Let's grab a rainbow flag, get a cat, and move-in together!
She is basically making fun of you. I'd stick to being professional, and minding my own business. If she's a closet-case, let her find another guinea pig to experiment with. If you earn higher than a minimum-wage, and value your job; weigh the pros and cons on messing with this straight(?) female. Who happens to be new, you know nothing about her, and she could turn this thing into a big payday! If you accused her, nobody would believe you; because everybody knows you're gay! She's the new-girl, nobody knows, and for all anybody knows, you're a lesbian perving after someone on their team! That's only how phobes think; not those who are well-informed and tolerant. Some people pretend to be tolerant; until they have to confront you, or realize you to be, a homosexual-female. Their mindset changes.
People aren't really as liberal or tolerant as they may lead you to believe; some are not to be trusted, because they have a hidden-agenda. Take it all as a joke; because if she decide to turn it into something else, you may be the one on the losing end of it.
Why claim to be straight, while flirting or propositioning gay-people? Why leave you guessing? Wake-up, girlfriend! Be on your guard in these situations!
I've always known why straight-guys(?) have flirted with me. They were making fun of me, and some just felt comfortable with me; and thought I'd appreciate the fact they were...and I was. Others just wanted to see what it's like to flirt with another guy; not that they wanted anything more out of it. It was done playfully, and I took it as such. It was just an experiment, at my expense. I always let them know I'm not a joke, and my sexual-orientation is as serious and real theirs! They've even gotten touchy-feely; but I'll set my boundaries! Don't start what you can't finish!!!
You (and other readers) probably think all this comes across as cynical, or paranoid. I'm speaking from experience.
How much are you willing to gamble when it comes to your livelihood?
If you let yourself get attached, and she's not into girls, then what? You'll be back here, writing about how she led you on! Don't let lust (or wishful-thinking) get the better of you, sweetheart! It's not an uncommon gay-fantasy to make a straight-person fall for one of us! If she's cracking the door of the closet, and taking a peek; don't place your heart or your job at risk. You don't know her, or exactly what she's up to!
Meanwhile? Girlfriend, get a grip!!! Straight means you are heterosexual; it's black and white, there is no gray area! You can flirt with a penguin, doesn't make you a penguin!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2022):
 Personally?
I think you need to shut this down ASAP.
She is a RECENT acquaintance and co-worker to boot, not some rando to flirt with.
Could she BE bi-sexual? sure.
Could she be playing mind games? sure.
Could she be one of those people who like to fetishize LBTQ people and try really hard to "prove" that they are an "ally" or whatever nonsense? Sure.
Could it be that "trying it with a girl is on her "bucket list" or that she actually hAS a BF who would like to "watch" some girl-on-girl actions? Sure.
But we don't know and YOU don't know her well enough to know either.
I think you need to be a bit more cautious and professional.
Dating in the work place is not always a smart thing to do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 March 2022):
 As with all "what is their game?" posts, we can only guess at what might be going on here. Even then, given the complexities of human nature, we may all be totally off the mark. Even if we knew you and/or your friend, we could still be completely wrong about her intentions towards you.
Possibilities which spring immediately to mind? She feels "safe" flirting with you because she has presented herself as straight. She is bi-curious and attracted to you. She is just messing with your head to see what happens. She has decided to "give it a go" with a woman as previous relationships with men haven't worked out (assuming, as you don't mention she has a partner).
Although you don't really want to ask her outright, it is the only way you are going to find out. Even then she may not be totally honest with you. She may not even know herself why she is acting like this with you.
My advice would be to take it very slowly until such time as you know what her deal is. If you fall for her and then discover she was just messing around, using you to experiment, you risk getting hurt. Guard your heart and your wellbeing first and foremost. That aside, I assume you are attracted to her, so good luck.
...............................
|
