A
female
age
36-40,
*rou frou
writes:First, thanks loads to anyone reading this. My problem is this:For the last year I've lived in another country. I live with a girl and another guy (they're not a couple) and we're all of different nationalities. They sublet my room to me. The guy is set to leave the flat at the end of July when he finishes his Master's. We get on fine but are not particularly close.The girl, until about 2 weeks ago, used to be one of my closest friends here, which given that my family live overseas was really important to me. However, two weeks ago she started taking antidepressants and has become totally unstable. I think I'm quite a considerate flatmate - I'm not perfect, but I try to keep things tidy and even threw her a surprise birthday party a few weeks ago, but now everything I do makes her angry. She keeps picking fights for the most stupid reasons. Recently, she told me she's planning on moving back to her home country in a month's time and asked if I would be interested in being the contracted tenant of the flat. I said I'd think about it.I thought about it for a bit and worked out how much money I had and a few days later told her I was interested. She got really mad because I "had been angry and rude for the last few days". This isn't true. I was a bit quieter than normal because I was considering things and trying to give her some space, but I wasn't angry. She then told me that if I continued acting in the way I had, she was going to throw my belongings into the street. I thought about explaining to her that I wasn' angry, but the truth is that recently she uses anything I say as an excuse for an argument and so I thought it was better not to react. I waited for her to stop shouting and then asked if she had finished. She said she had and I went to work.Now we're not talking. It's hell living in my flat. I'm constantly scared she'll explode again or trash my stuff. She's meeting the landlord tomorrow but I'm out. I'm worried that she'll give notice and I'll find myself on the street. I don't want to overexaggerate or trivialise other people's problems, but I feel like an abused wife or something.To make things worse, I've got terrible, terrible acne at the moment. I feel hideous. My lovelife at the moment is also non-existant. I've had people who are interested in me, and people I'm interested in, but there's always some problem or the timing's not right or something. My confidence is hitting an all-time low.I feel as though I've lost a really good friend, more than anything. I thought about telling her that she'd changed since taking anti-depressants but I actually think she'd kill me. I'm far from home and feel really lonely - I have other friends but I'm not as close to them as I was to her and can't talk to them like I could talk to her. I just want to crawl into a hole and stick my head in the sand and not come out.Any advice? Would be massively appreciated. Thank you very much for reading this, it makes me feel a little less alone.
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acne, confidence, flatmate, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Y_v  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Hey,
So you said that there is another tennant. The guy. why don't you try talking to the guy about her, afterall they maybe closer and this girl may take it more seriously if both of you are confronting her about her problems.
Concerning your acne problems, sometimes it can be triggered by stress so you could try not talking to her anymore to avoid the stress of arguments and just try to look after yourself e.g. eating healthily, exercising, etc.
Also try making close friends with one of your other friends. That way (i know this sounds harsh) you could try and use the other friend as a fall back. I mean if this girl really does kick you out, you have another friend to fall back on, to stay with until you've sorted yourself out.
I hope some of this helps
x
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Hi,
Sorry that you are having a horrible time, specially when none of this is your fault...
Please, acne is normal for your age, also stress can make it worst... I don't know if you have this in your country, but pro-active works well.. Its cheap also. I know its hard, but try not to get too stress out with your roommate, eat well and the acne will get better.
First things first, you need to talk to your friend regarding your place. Try to find a good time, when she's less upset to let her know that you don't want to fight anymore. That you never meant to make her upset, that you want to still be friends
About your flat? Is there anyway you can talk to the landlord and ask if you can continue living there? I am sure new arrangments can be made, specially if you are a good tenant and make payments on time.
I know its stressful, but don't feel overwhelmed, things will get better...
Feel better soon and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Awww...honey its nowhere your fault, so you need to stop feeling so bad. Your crazy roommate is the one with the problem and you're bearing the brunt of it. You seem like a really nice person to be putting up with all this. I know what its like to have a nightmare of a roommate, I had one too!
Dont tell her anything because that will just irritate her more and she seems to have lost it, in any case.She's completely irrational and there's no point arguing your case with her. She enjoys harassing you and bullying you because she knows your limitations. You are her punching bag, and she knows you will put up with it.
I think you should look at moving out. If its possible to shift in with someone temporarily, do that,and meanwhile keep looking for a place of you own. You should not put up with this anymore. Dont walk on eggshells, expecting the worst any minute. Walk out and let her fend for herself.
As for the acne problem, I know for a fact that a medicated facewash or a lotion with SALICYCLIC ACID works wonders. I use it everyday and it really works. You get it over the counter and its really effective with no side effects. Try it.
Hope things work out for the best. Keep us updated
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (10 July 2011):
 Hi there, I am really sorry that your going through this. I have suffered from depression myself, and I know that I was very quick tempered whilst I was on the wrong medication for me. The people who were closest to me bore the brunt of it. She is feeling alone and trapped, and unfortunately the more you try the more she will feel this. It is an awful situation for you and I am not trying excuse her behavior, merely give an insight from my own experience. My suggestion would be to try and find somewhere else to live, although she is in a bad place at the moment, until she herself can get the motivation to change the medication she is on, it will continue and as she feels so out of control, any attempt on your part to help her will feel to her like your trying to control her, which obviously is not the case. I hope that it works out for you and that I may have helped in some small way to give you some insight. It is hard to keep your own confidence up when you are going through this, but try to remember that even though her words and actions may make you feel as though you can't do anything right, it truly has nothing to do with you. She is feeling trapped and out of control, which has nothing to do with you, you are just the closest person to her and as much as it hurts and it makes your life unbearable, you are a very special person and you deserve the best. Take care of yourself and do what is right for you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 July 2011):
 hi, this question looks so familiar that I am racking my brains as to how recently I answered one very similar to this gem, to see if I can improve on my answer to that previous one.
But I've look and can't find. So I shall answer anew.
The guy is going to leave anyway. The girl whose name is on the lease holds the power and may become even more scary
once he is no longer there.
And you are losing confidence in yourself. You feel so alone. And this girl's problems are likely to hurt your own health.
Potentially her instability will make living them very unpleasant. You do not need this unpleasantness.
And this girl is picking fights and being rude to you. And that is not fair either.
Although you work it is unlikely that you will be able to afford the rent alone. You will be faced with the need for money to pay any outgoings to be the leaseholder.
I think better that you look in the newspaper for a reasonable lease-holder who would be happy to sublet a room to you.
This unstabled girl is getting very stressed and may not be well. So she still may throw you out anyway. And damage your property.
And you cannot use her as a referr to lease another property - so you need a temporary interim sublet elsewhere with someone nice, kind and responsible.
Ask where you work if anyone you know there willl allow you to sublet in their home as a temporary solution one to three month agreement. And get a reference from them, for when you go looking for another place. If you all get on then a longer term agreement could be negotiated.
Otherwise You do need to start looking for a longer-term sub-let agreement elsewhere.
Do not mention your troubles with this girl to any future landlord. Because landlords might make the wrong decision, and think maybe you caused the trouble (i know you did not) But landlords have to make quick decisions to protect their property.
But don't stick around with this girl. Once the guy goes it will just be her word against yours and you don't want that. Where she could pick fights, and lie. And be manipulative and ruin your reputation.
Just get out NOW. because yes, it is domestic violence between (former?) friends. And it is badly affecting your health.
And DO make sure you get receipts for all payments to her for rent and all utilities accounts. Otherwise you could also be saddled with debts that are hers, not yours. Get out before she leaves. Get out before the other guys leaves.
But get out now. Preferably today.
And speak to the landlord after you have removed all your things. Show him proof that you have paid out all that you are required to pay.
This is a very bad situation.
The former friendhip has gone. Sadly you are now living with a girl who is making your life hell.
Please leave asap.
Regards
Abella
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