A
male
age
36-40,
*oloSW
writes:I've been a relationship with a woman I met online for more than a year. We live thousands of miles apart but we've had two visits. The first visit, we weren't sure where we were going with our relationship, but we ended up having sex the first day we were together and did it again several times in the 2 weeks of the visit. However, during our second visit, the sex wasn't nearly as good, she admitted she didn't enjoy it, and that really got me to worry. I am 28 and she was the first woman I'd ever been with. I'd never kissed a girl or even been on a date before her. Now we've decided to be friends for now but she's told me our relationship is more than platonic. I am kind of scared of having sex again. I feel that, because I don't have the normal amount of sexual and relationship experience, I will never be able to fulfill a woman. I feel I am awful at things like kissing and sex and that I don't want to subject another woman to someone like me. I am in an open relationship now, we are both free to date others. If she dates or sleeps with someone else, I know she will never want to be with me again. How can I compete with guys that are more experienced and better at sex than me? Sometimes I feel like I should just stay single and celibate. Every woman that I'm with will just end up disappointed in the end.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (27 February 2013):
Hi. Perhaps when you first had sex together, it was a thrill to actually be together, after having chatted online for quite a while.
So there was the excitement of the first time, seeing each other, which made it more fun.
And there were some more gaps after that, in seeing each other - because of the distance - and when you saw each other again, it was beyond the newness stage, and perhaps to her, seemed slightly repetitious.
There may also have been a lot of expectation by both of you, in the hopes it would be as much fun as the very first time, when you had sex on several occasions over the two weeks you saw each other.
And the problem with high expectations, is that it very often leads to a lot of disappointment as well.
And that is probably what happened.
She might have been having all sorts of imaginings about how things would be when you saw each other the second time, and she dreamed it would be like what you see on the movies, which is high drama, and unfortunately, not of the real world.
Those lovemaking scenes can happen, but usually are more the exception to the rule, if you get what I mean here.
You see, your lady friend probably compared how it was the next time you saw each other, to how it was the first time you actually met.
However, it was no longer a first time experience together.
Each time you see each other, it's a new beginning.
So there is no point whatsoever, in trying to compare every occasion of sex with her, to the very first time you were together.
And to do so, serves no purpose whatsoever.
In fact, it's counterproductive.
And unfortunately, it doesn't really help that there are very long gaps in between seeing each other.
So you never really get to have regular sex with her - because of the distance.
When two people are in a regular relationship where they see each other every week, there is regular lovemaking and you both get to experiment with different things.
Unfortunately, this is one of very big downfalls of long distance relationships.
There is just too much not seeing each other, and so you just don't ever get into any kind of routine, where things just flow naturally.
And I believe that if you were in a regular relationship with someone in your own state and town, this issue you have, just wouldn't exist.
And because there is mainly only chatting online to each other most of the time, well then when it comes to seeing each other again, there is HUGE level of anticipation regarding sex, and when it is so high, there is a very long way to fall and as a consequence - a lot of disappointment.
A
male
reader, SoloSW +, writes (27 February 2013):
SoloSW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I should elaborate a bit here. The woman I am involved with is not my age, she is a bit older. She is 42, which I don't mind, I like mature women. And also she is not very sexually experienced either. I am only her third sexual partner and she was celibate for more than a decade. When we tried and couldnt succeed at intercourse, that was the first time either of us had even attempted it.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (23 February 2013):
In the first place, it's true that usually you get better at something as you practice more and more. But it's not always true. If you have a lot of practice of doing something in the wrong way, you don't get better. That's way, in part, it's true that experience is overrated. Of course, some people have a lot of experience in sex, and yet, they suck at it.You can't date girls wanting to be the best guy in bed, in their lives. Because there is little to no chance at all. You have to be with a girl who takes you as you are. Who doesn't mention you suck in bed, the second time you have sex. A girl who is willing to be with you despite of that. With such a girl you have chances of getting better at sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): "Practice makes perfect": The more you do it, the better it will be. However a relationship is not only based on sex. If your LDR can't get past the sex then maybe she's not worth your time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2013): Listen to the other lady posters OP, they're right. One thing I'm not sure any of them mentioned though is to ignore everything you've seen in porn if you've been making use of that over the years. Ignore any "love making" you see in romance movies too. Both are fake and unrealistic and honestly if you try to emulate either of those you'll never get good.
OP as they said there's nothing better than practical learning but at your age women are far less forgiving and trust me, even though I love the idea that right girl won't care, most of my closest friends are female and for the most part do want a certain level of competence and confidence. A guy at least has to know what does what. None of them expect to have their mind blown, but being incompetent is a bit of a turn off for them. Most don't want to be teachers unless they really like the guy and to say that they wouldn't be the right girl is inaccurate because I know them and they make great partners for the most part.
I recommend you do some theoretical research just so you have some "moves" to try and a good understanding of female sexuality. This series is fantastic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBi2jv9XHRg
Be warned though OP it's explicit but then again how are you supposed to learn if looking at the naked body makes you squeamish?
There are lots and lots of good sex guides online.
The one trick I would advise you to learn though is oral technique, the vast majority of women I've been with found great oral to be very important both in terms of good technique and eagerness go down on her as a regular part of your sex life. Also OP learn to treat oral as the main course and intercourse as the dessert.
Learn to use the size and shape of your penis to best effect, figure out what positions it would be suited to. I'm just above average size and with a sharp upwards curve, I put a pillow under her hips in the missionary position and I can stimulate the g-spot which makes her toes curl, also standing positions are very easy to pull off and work just as well. The downside is that traditional doggy style is all but off the table, and we have to do a more acrobatic version of it.
Above all though OP confidence and control. most women your age will know exactly what position to get into if you flip them over onto their front, or you want to grab their legs to put them on your shoulders, don't be afraid to physically adjust them slightly with your hands to get the position right.
Even if you're not confident of your ability, act confident during the act, take control.
Don't compare yourself to other guys OP, women don't really do that so you shouldn't either. They're not gauging your performance in terms of what they've had previously, they just want to be lost in the moment and enjoy having sex with you.
Knowledge is power OP, it's not how much you know but how well you know the things that are most important.
Just remember though we all don't fit well with everyone. I've had nearly a 100 sex partners, I know what I'm doing but there are plenty of women who I just would not be able to please with my style or my shape and size.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 February 2013):
 The guy who was the best in bed for me was a virgin when we'd met who barely even kissed anymore else precisely BECAUSE he was a virgin. Other guys would brag about their skills and talk about how good they were with previous girlfriends, and their "moves" did nothing for me. However, the guy who was a virgin (my current bf) said "I have no idea what I'm doing, you should tell me what to do." Every woman is different. What works for one probably won't for the other. You need to just ask her for some guidance.
The best skills a man can have in bed: willingness to work to make sure she's satisfied, a good listener, and realizing that women get pleasure from their clitoris and not so much their vaginas/penetration/intercourse.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2013):
 Experience is overrated and you know why ? because every woman is different, every woman is a sexual world apart from all others , and you need to learn to know THAT world, not the others. Example, yes many women like receiving oral sex...but some don't ; many women like deep passionate kisses, but some hate them ; some woman like it rough and get off from a slight sensation of pain, ...me, hurt me once , and you won't see me no more. Etc.etc. So many variables. " Expert " guys may be disappointing , because they have figured out a " collage " of the moves that in average worked well for them,- and their past partners . But what about the new one ? maybe she is different....
Don't worry. Relax. It takes a little time and practice, not to learn who knows what secret standard moves, but to feel good into your sexual skin, to lose any awkwardness and let emerge your spontaneity and natural sensuality.
In the meantime, don't be afraid to try, to experiment, and to listen closely to your body , and your sensations. And hers too, of course. Don't be afraid to ASK. Don't be afraid to let her guide you, to let her show you what feels good, what feels great and what feels so and so.
That online girl, the one who did not enjoy sex with you, in part it's her fault too ( if we want to find faults ) Well, maybe it was just lack of chemistry, without chemistry you can do all the Kamasutra and nothing happens. But, anyway , supposedly she was old enough to try and take charge of her sexual gratification and orgasms,right ? She could have said " I like this, I don't like that... ". After all, it's not polite to take a guest in the downtown of your city and just to dump him there to navigate his way home without a map, without any directions...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (22 February 2013):
Hi there. As with everything, practice makes perfect.
It's just another life skill like anything else.
None of us are experts at making love in the very first few experiences.
With each new relationship we have, we learn new skills from them, and them from us.
And we learn from the next relationship and the next and the next.
It is a two-way street, after all.
It's no different from learning to drive a car with a manual gearbox.
The first few times it's a bit jumpy and rough, until we get the idea of co-ordinating the clutch and the accelerator pedal so we then move off smoothly.
And learning to make love, is really no different.
And the worst possible thing you could ever do, is to start comparing yourself with other young men, who you assume must be better at it than you.
It doesn't matter what other men are doing in the bedroom, it is of no consequence.
And so there is no point in even thinking about it.
And if you were to go on comparing yourself to other men, all it would do is make you lose a lot of self confidence, and it seems that it's already happening, from what you have said here.
You have to crawl before you can walk. Everyone has to.
We go throughout life learning from the beginning to the end.
It is all a part of the journey.
You need to relax more and worry less, when it comes to making love.
And to stop judging yourself.
Just do whatever feels right, and see where it takes you.
Just love and accept yourself as being worthy, and that you are just as good as anyone else.
Because it is true.
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