A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My fiance refuses to let me see his email. He signs on under his own account on my computer. He says it is something that is "just his" and won't give me the password. We are both in our 40's. I think this is childish...or he's hiding something. The latter I'm sure. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): You know what? Yeah he has a private life. And so do you! Admit it! You keep all sorts of things secret and so you should. EVERYBODY needs a little mystery, a little privacy - you are the one being childish. I have had guys I was dating HACK INTO my personal private chat histories, and I have had my dad read personal private emails when I was younger. I felt INCREDIBLY BETRAYED. This is the worst thing anybody could possibly do to you. Do not read his mail. He might complain about you to his mates SO WHAT you complain about him to yours! If he is cheating...would you rather find out by reading his mail or by having the guts to get him to admit it face to face? I guarantee you reading anything incriminating will haunt you so badly you will regret you ever saw it. And that's IF it's true! Do yourself a favour and if you don't trust him, tell him. If he's cheating on you he doesn't trust you either and you are both better off without each other.
A
female
reader, louise100  +, writes (6 May 2009):
He is hiding something. So why not ban him from using your computer?
He will only ever show you when he has got rid of any incriminating evidence and then make a bif show of how you have not trusted him.
I could read my guys emails if I wanted to and he could read mine. Anyway if he ws having an affair he would not be stupid enough to put evidence in writing!
I'd ban him from using your computer ( will be interesting to see what his reaction will be) and reconsider getting married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): This letter could have been written by a good friend of mine. She is suspecting her fiancee of doing unscrupulous activities on the computer and she's just about caught him! He gets up in the middle of the night and goes online, he quickly minimizes/ closes all his 'windows' when she comes into the office, he's even positioned the computer so the back of the desk and screen are facing the door. Meaning if he's at the computer, and she walks in, unexpectantly, she can't see the screen! And finally, he has all open access to her computer accounts but his accounts are all locked up and password protected. So I am wondering here, why..what's he hiding? And how much more obvious can he make this?
She asked me what I thought. I told her, she needed to be stronger and insist on some boundaries and rules, in regards to the computer. I told if it were me, I would do the following:
1) I would put the computer back in it's original position 2) I'd insist on an 'open' computer policy where we'd both have access, absolutely no passwords.3) and we would share the same email address.
My feeling is a relationship is a 'we' thing, not a 'me' thing. It's important to keep the trust building ongoing, for the life of a union...it HAS to be in place and solid. If you don't have that and there are suspicions, and lack of trust. She has admitted she doesn't trust him...all because of these computer behaviors. Her fiancee doesn't get this concept and he's almost 50.
And because he has no sense of sharing and he's not putting in good efforts to keep the relationship trustworthy, she is very unhappy. In this case, she is miserable but I catch her making 'excuses' for his behavior and I think, do not be that desperate to have this man..if he's hurting you and the relationship. Insist on full disclosure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): First, let's strike the word "childish" because that's not applicable. Just because you two don't agree on openness, doesn't make you childish, you just don't agree in this area.
If you both agree to a fully open and honest relationship, then absolutely, everything is a free space including email. However, for the party whom does not want full openness, then they want that area closed to the other.
Do I think he's hiding something? Absolutely! Is it safe to assume what it is? No. Neither is it worthwhile to speculate.
I have a partner who forbids me access to his email and forbids for me to be seen in his office and around all his professional associations. He goes from crush to crush and has a strong history of flirting. Do I think he is hiding something? Yes. Why? Because I've uncovered his flirty emails when he accidentally leaves it open, so the evidence to support my theory he hides another life in his emails and other venues exists.
Read your first response on the bottom here. It is the most reliable first hand information you could receive for your question.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, worrytoomuch +, writes (5 May 2009):
Hmm.. he is hiding something. I can understand that he may want his privacy and all and that's fine. You don't have to know his password because it isn't really right to be able to look at it without his permission (not because you shouldn't see it but just because it's a matter of respect.. sorta like looking through his cell phone). So.. I would suggest the next time he signs into it on your computer sit right next to him and watch it. If he won't allow you too then, tell him that his actions are making you feel like there is something to hide and if you don't see it right now, he will confirm to you that he is doing something he shouldn't. Do not talk to him about this until you can "catch him in the act" so to speak, because if you talk to him about it before.. he will have time to delete the bad stuff (if it does exist).
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A
male
reader, ptw72a +, writes (5 May 2009):
He may be hiding something- but then again he may feel your showing distrust by asking!. I wouldnt hide my email from my partner but- if she started checking it regularly id feel upset.
Id look at the rest of the relationship, decide if he is someone you trust and take it from there.
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A
male
reader, bort +, writes (5 May 2009):
I don't think that necessarily means anything. I don't share my email and don't ask to see my partner's. In any corporate environment, this would be normal--share with no one. It is not unreasonable to do the same with personal email.
Let's say he does show you his email, but still has bad intentions. All he has to do is create a second account and you are none the wiser. Sometimes you have to trust.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (5 May 2009):
 He is obviously hiding something! I would tell him to let you see it or else the relationship is over! By giving him and ultimatum he will have to let you see it! Don't give him any time inbetween saying this and seeing the email account, otherwise he could delete stuff if he has time! X
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (5 May 2009):
 So you already have trust issues in your relationship... what will happen when you finally get married? They wont just go away! There should be no secrets between a couple and he should be free to look at your email/mobile etc just as you should be free to look at his email/mobile... By not letting you look at his mail is very suspicious!
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