A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My fiance has told me he hates fat women. He thinks they are disgusting and have no self control. His mother is heavy and he points to her for his reasoning.He told me, while making love to me, that if I ever gain weight, that he will not make love to me in the manner that he has.I am assuming he feels his sexual skills in bed are above par and he will lower his skills with me if I was to gain weight.So far I haven't gained weight. I am small boned but still I have a women's curves. As I age I know one's body will change and weight gain can happen.I didn't know how to respond to this. I've never been told that by a man before.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 May 2013):
 When he said that "he will not make love to me in the manner he has"
my response would have been "of course not, you need different positions when you are fat than you do when you are thin"
I think what he means is he will not find you attractive and that's his right. The problem is the way he phrases it.
At your age it should not be a such an issue. Have you posted here before about other issues with this guy?
A
female
reader, peteloevely  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 your husband is passive aggressive in the way he communicates, he actually told you he will lower his skills if you gain weight, god forbid you ever developed a thyroid problem ( which a lot of women do as they age ) because i don't think you will get much understanding from this man.yes some people do let them selves go because they are lazy but categorize every over weight person as lazy and lacking self control is a bit of a stretch.he does not have to be happy about your weight gain, but neither is it sensible to speak to you the way he does, nor does he sound like a loving husband. like Cerberus said there are many reasons why people's metabolism change,my bf broke both legs playing footy he spend nearly 9 months going from the chair to the bed and he has put on so much weight he looks like someone else, so what?and the fact that now a days you have mention this before getting marriage is beyond incredible, sooo shallow!!! of course we don't want to change nor would we want out partner to ever age or get bigger, but that is sooo unrealistic is beyond my understanding...one of the answers here say lets age been the sexy couple we are now, well someone is in for a disappointment. this is what happens when people are not mature enough to understand what they are getting them selves in to when they say i do.people change, it is a fact.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): What about telling him you're going to make love to him differently if he loses his hair (if he has any left) and/or if it turns gray...or if his feet stink... or if he doesn't shave properly everyday...or if he doesn't wash his hands after using the bathroom... or his butt gets flatter... or he gets wrinkles
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I had to go and amend my answer to another post about this exact same thing. I suggested that women dump the guy because he is an insensitive jerk. I still think that's true. Your fiance said it during sex of all times. He couldn't have handled it worse if he tried. But I agree with what others have said that everyone is entitled to their preferences, and if he doesn't like fat women that's his right.But I find it odd that he didn't say he will leave you if you got fat. He is prepared to keep you, but you just won't be worthy of his full love and attention. Is that it?So although I heartily encourage a healthy lifestyle, and accept everyone's right to their sexual preferences, I would hate to see a woman held to ransom by someone she loves over her weight. Women already have enough pressure put on them. Sure annonymous is right, and in his situation I would do the same thing. But he handled the situation a lot differently than your fiance. If I were you I would be quite outraged by his insensitivity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): I know the physical thing is important..BUt I wont never ever leave a guy to tell me this again! I was so hurt when I gained just a few extra pounds.. (weight was 135 and 2 yrs after 145) ..he pointed that to me for soo long until i lose weight again but nothing changed. i realize he was just focus in the looks..probably he was like that from the beginning but i was so "blind" in love and started to see this while we were living together...I ended up leaving him for good. I could not stand been with him anymore.
I cant tell you nothing better than my own experience. BUt I have met so many good guys who loves their partners as they look whatever is skinny or heavy is all about LOVE and respect. BIg big red flag.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I'm with the anonymous replier...... When a man or woman chooses (Yes... they CHOOSE to do so!!!) to let their body, their weight, their appearance go to pot... they are really sending a "message" to their partner and the World: Which message is: I don't much care about myself.... and I SURE don't care if I seem - or appear - appealing to you.... because I've got you under contract....
My story is much that same as Anonymous's... and - like him - when it became clear that my ex- didn't much care about her health.... never mind if she appeared appealing to me or anybody else.... then I had to leave...
Good luck......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): I'm a bit on the fence, on the one hand it shatters the notion of loving you no matter what and is a bit insensitive on the other he was just being honest.
I'm getting married in the next year, so I'm going to be a lifer and nothing makes me more happy. If my fiancée became morbidly obese then you can bet your ass I wouldn't find her as attractive anymore, I definitely would find sex a lot less appealing with her. but I can safely say the same would be the case if she became skin and bone.
The thing is OP, for me it's more the attitude that would be a turn off. If she became skin and bone through illness my attraction wouldn't waver but if she developed and eating disorder or just became an idiot about her diet that would disgust me frankly.
People don't just gain weight as they get older, sure the metabolism slows down and hormones can wreak havoc but to get to the level where I'd be turned off, morbidly obese, then that's just down to laziness and poor diet.
You know though OP me and my fiancée are both adults, and after 7 years together we know what it takes to maintain our relationship. I too cannot get obese because it would lessen her attraction to me and I work hard to maintain that for me and her. Being fit and healthy is not a bad requirement to have to maintain if you ask me.
She is pleasantly plump and always had a nice soft curvy figure.
I can never see myself not loving her, but I can see myself being less attracted if she gained or lost an extreme amount of weight.
While your guy may have been a bit blunt and to the point where it was a bit shocking, I commend his honesty in stating that in a way. Because like any dealbreaker such as cheating etc. it's important you know your partners limits.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2013): It will be easy for people responding to this to attack your fiance, but I think you should be careful here.I was married for many years and I married my ex-wife when she was young and very lean. As we grew older both of us lost some of the fitness of youth but the problem was that she continued to gain weight over the years because she didn't take care of her body and ate horribly. I came to resent this over time because I tried to eat sensibly and exercise regularly. She was always proud of how all of her friends and colleagues talked about how handsome her husband was but then I never wanted to take her anywhere because I was embarrassed that she had gotten so unattractive. I'm not talking about normal aging, muscles losing some tone, maybe a little pouch at the waistline, etc., I'm talking about her arms and legs being fat, her face looking fat, her butt getting bigger and bigger. Basically I felt it was disrespectful to me and I would never have let myself "go" like that. So, after years of trying to encourage better eating, walking or running together, a healthier lifestyle, I left her. How do you respond? You say, "I don't blame you, I wouldn't want a fat wife either, not anymore than I would want a fat husband. We have fallen in love with each other as we are, if we change that we will have changed us. Let's grow old together being the same cute couple we are right now, you in? Oh, and if you ever think I'm starting to gain weight or look bad, tell me so I can do something about that, I always want you to think I'm the sexiest woman alive!"
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (23 May 2013):
 I'm assuming that you love the guy if he's your fiance. If you're okay with maintaining your small frame, then that's all there is to it - stay with him. There are plenty of 55+ women who are able to stay petite as they age.If his request bothers you, and you don't think you can (or don't think that you should have to) maintain your small frame, then be honest with him about how his words offended you.There are going to be people who respond to this question telling you that he's in the wrong or that he's an a**hole, but I disagree as I've never been one to criticize others' standards. It's quite simple, really: if your standards don't mesh, there are probably deeper values of yours that also won't mesh down the line.
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