A
female
age
30-35,
*ngagedconfused
writes:I am engaged to be married on the 24th. Last weekend my bf had his bachelor party weekend in New York . I couple of his buddies were egging him on to hook up with a random girl. They ended up inviting a group of girls back to their hotel were he fooled around and got a bj from one of them. He said he felt guilty and asked her to leave before it leased to sex. He ended up calling me at 3am and then cutting his trip short and coming home the next morning. He said he felt horrible for what he did. I told my aunt who I'm very close with and she said I should count myself lucky they he told me. I understand it was his bachelor party but it still doesn't give him a free pass to cheat ! I'm really confused about what to do, I can tell he feels horrible about what happen but at the same time I'm pissed that he willingly risked our relationship for one night of fun ! Any advice would be amazing
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 September 2016):
 So how are you doing? And what did you decide?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016): Please tell your Mum and Dad honey. This is a problem you need to share with people who love you and want the best for you. Don't hide your pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016): I have to tell you that this is not the normal behaviour of all men who are about to get married and lose their minds and sense of good judgment at a stag party.MOST men would behave themselves. WHY? Because they have character and integrity and morals and know right from wrong. Most importantly however, they LOVE their fiancé. And would not do anything to HURT her or jeopardize their future together. PERIOD.You cannot hang excuses on his behaviour. Oh, my friends prodded me. Oh, my friends pressured me. Oh, I had too much to drink. Oh, I went temporarily insane. Blah blah blah.... The excuses serve to absolve and overlook/pardon his behaviour and enable you to keep your head in the sand.You need to be real. Now is the best time. WHY? Because you have seen his true character. And on a positive note, it's a good thing that the timing is so right. Because you are embarking on spending the rest of your life with a proven cheater right out of the starting gate. And because of this, you are in a position to reassess your decision to say YES to this man. And rightly so.Most guys, if they DO cheat, do not cheat before the wedding! This is supposed to be your honeymoon phase. Think about that.It may tell you that on some level, he is just not ready for marriage and commitment.Be careful. Do not be blinded to love... This has caused many women so much pain. Because they chose to listen to their hearts and not their heads.A lot of men like this who have this character flaw will claim it was a mistake and that they are sorry and will never do it again.BUT....The fact he already did it will create enough doubt for you NOT to trust him. And is this the way to begin a long term partnership and life together? I suspect you will be bitter and resentful and hold onto it. And this bitterness is going to cause a rift. Present and future. And will poison your relationship because you are always going to be insecure. This ONE thing he did and it's a BIGGIE, will forever be imprinted in the back of your mind and I doubt you will ever be able to get over it. And you will always wonder what he is capable of in any given circumstance. Do you want to marry a man you cannot trust? Do you want to marry a man who was sexually intimate with another woman when he pledged his commitment to you? It is going to be a tough road if you do.I have seen so much heartbreak because of cheating husbands. You are lucky in one way. You didn't marry him. You can end it now before he gets the chance to hurt you again or over and over throughout the length of a marriage.This is YOUR LIFE.You are NOT obligated to him and you have the right to change your mind whenever you want.You DESERVE BETTER.I would cancel the wedding. Take time to grieve. And eventually you will find the right man to marry.There is a reason this happened. Everything happens for a reason. It's because he is not right for you. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. DO NOT SETTLE for a man. You do not need to lower yourself to the behaviour of a cheater.I wish you a happy future. And you will have it if you move on sweetie....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 By all means postpone the wedding. But perhaps you should cancel it altogether.
Yes , I know that you want to forgive him: because it was " only " a BJ ( is he a friend of Bill Clinton ? ), because he fessed up at once and because he is really sorry.
On principle, I am not against forgiving a first offence. " Everybody deserves a second chance " " Everybody screws up in life sooner or later " etc. etc.
True.
But in practice, .. it's complicated.
Now you know he is the kind of immature idiot that , as soon as he leaves your side, yields to peer pressure like some horny teenager and gets into trouble.
What will you do about his social life once you are married ?
It seems to me that you will only have two choices, between keeping him sewn to your skirts and forbidding him any boys' night out or work dinner or social event which does not include you, to make sure that he is not exposed to temptations . In short you will be his parent or his nanny, not his wife. Or, letting him have his friends and his spaces and his normal social life- while you toss and turn in your bed , with a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that he may be up to no good in that very moment, if his friends egg him on.
One may want to forgive, but it is difficult to un-know things once you have known them. Now that you have known what he is capable of in certain circumstances, it will be hard for you to trust him again. Not impossible, but hard. It takes a lot of love, a lot of generosity, a lot of self esteem and a lot of self control. Is that you ?
Another thing that comes to my mind... I suppose you still love him, and that's natural, one does not stop loving people because they do one bad thing. But, do you still respect him ? Has he not sunken down a bit , or a lot, in your eyes, now that he has acted like some character of some tacky B-movie with Zach Galifikianakis ?..
Could you marry a man whom you do not respect anymore ?...
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 One his friends has a gf so he went to bed......but the person you're getting MARRIED to thought it was okay to get a blow job under some peer pressure.
Just let that sink in
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016): If this was me, he would already be gone as soon as I found out. You're right, his bachelor party does not give him a right to a free pass! He did not have to listen to his friends at all. All he was thinking about was that girl because if he really knew it was wrong, he wouldn't of let his friends "convince" him into it.
He really messed up and I don't know about you, but that IS cheating and I do not tolerate cheating at all. I do understand you must really love him and you're very confused right now, but think about it. If he wasn't smart enough to stop himself then, what makes him smart enough to stop himself the next time a girl tries to hook up with him?
I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 September 2016):
And just to frame the argument for him in a way that might reach him, paint the scenario of you getting cunnilingus from a male stripper at your bachelorette party.
But that would be after I spoke to the people who are paying for the wedding.
If you and he are paying for the entire wedding then all you have to do is say you need to reschedule.
If the wedding is being paid for by your parents then consider this: neither you nor your husband are mature enough to get married just yet, despite the fact you are in your late 20s.
Just tell everyone you’ve had a major change of heart, that you want to be the ones who pay for the wedding, even if it takes some time and then, stick to that.
If you two can then work out the wreck of a relationship and do actually decide to get married then you won’t have any guilt if it doesn’t work out. Especially as you are considering marrying a guy who thinks oral sex isn’t sex.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 September 2016):
Oral sex IS sex.
You’ve told an aunt.
He was with friends.
It’s not going to be a secret for very long.
My guess is that he’s self-sabotaging the wedding. He doesn’t have the guts himself to call it off so he allowed himself to wind up in a situation that would force you to make the decision for him.
Plenty of people get cold feet before a wedding, all you need to say is that you and he need more time before making that permanent commitment, even though you love each other, both of you have some concerns and need to postpone the wedding.
The dudes in the bachelor party will take care of the rest, as will the aunt, as far as “explaining” the “real” details.
Under no circumstances do you marry a guy who thinks a BJ isn’t sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016): You said the one man who has a "girlfriend" went to bed early to not be around the girls. Isn't that the type of man you want? Reconsider if you want to marry a man who has already cheated on you. Good luck in whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 September 2016):
 All I hear is excuses, his friends did not force him to cheat on you, he is not a puppy, he done it with his own free will, he will make excuses, and you are making excuses for him as well but I don't buy it. Yes he may have felt guilty but that does not make it okay. That does not make you trust him. The thing is now, you are going to enter a marriage because you feel it is to late now to back out, and you will regret it because you will struggle to trust him, because if you forgive him this once, that means he knows he will get away with it a second time! The choice is yours, but if it was me I would cancel the wedding, and tell everyone what has happened, at least then he will know he cannot walk all over you like a lap dog.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (6 September 2016):
I know you're under enormous pressure with this wedding coming up, but do not ignore the warning bells going off in your head.
1) who in their right mind encourages someone who is about to be married to have sex with a random girl on his bachelor party. It disrespects the relationship and you.
2) why the hell would someone who is about to get married go along with it? Yeah he was drunk and his 'friends' were egging him on, but saying "no" to any of this should not have been hard at all. I've been completely wasted multiple times and have had people pushing me towards guys that wanted me, but I have never given in, because I respect the person I'm with. And I'm not even married. People who excuse such behavior simply don't love or respect the person they're with. Not enough anyway.
3) some have said him coming clean so soon afterwards is an indication of his goodwill and love, but think about it logically: he has no choice. There are a ton of witnesses to what he did and he knows that if he kept his trap shut this rumor would make its way to you anyway. He knows he can do some damage control if the one telling you is him.
My opinion isn't going to be popular, but postpone the wedding. Yes, it's going to cost you a lot of money and people will say you're overreacting and way too hard on him, but bearing all that will be peanuts compared to what it'll cost you if I'm right and you're marrying a cheater with bad friends.
You need time to really evaluate this relationships and see if this is an anomaly or just one of the cracks in a foundation that's already crumbling down.
And your fiancee needs to learn actions have consequences. A BJ is sex. He didn't have to fuck her because he got his release through the BJ. He even kissed her. I don't care how carefully he rephrases it: he full on cheated on you. And I may sound cynical, but if you let everyone steamroll over you and accept this, he will do it again. Because you just showed him all he has to do is give you the puppy-dog eyes and the quivering lip in order to forgive him.
We teach people how to treat us. Remember that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2016): Have you thought how disrespectful this new 'son in law' has actually been. Not just to you (which is obvious) but also to your parents who have invested time, emotion and a lot of money in creating a dream wedding for BOTH of you. I wonder how differently your guy might have behaved if it was his money that had been spent on deposits for food, venues etc. When I read your post I can truly understand your feelings but when you wake up one morning after the haze of the 'big day' you will be doing so next to a guy that had his dick in someone else's mouth two weeks prior. Do you honestly believe this event will just disappear? Trust gets broken once and it is incredibly difficult to repair. Do not be under some illusion that the word 'only' applies to a BJ. Wake up. You should be giving yourself a chance to have an amazing wedding day on the basis of trust and joy - not lies and infidelity.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (6 September 2016):
 Do what your heart tells you. Believe me, don't bother about the embarrassment.. Public memory is short and no one's going to care beyond a few days. As for your family, they'll be only too happy that you've saved yourself from a lifetime of pain and suffering. If you were my daughter, I'd tell you that there was no way in hell you should marry this guy. Don't think twice about the expenses, your happiness is way more precious than any amount of money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2016): Your fiancé has some growing up to do before you two get married. Marriage is not a proving ground for fidelity - it should already be in place without any doubt or temptation. The fact he was not blind drunk and still let this happen? I think you are understandably in denial and making excuses for him - do you want us to make excuses and tell you its all ok? You are here for an opinion. To not tell your parents is to lie to them. You are carrying the shame of your fiancés actions. Would you want to spend your hard earned money on a 'dream' wedding for someone if you knew one of the people was a cheat? Have you considered you are patronising your parents by not telling them? You should explain to your parents, who have loved you a lot longer than your fiancé. You should then postpone the wedding and agree with your close family what the public reason for that can be - to avoid gossip - and to buy you some much needed time.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 September 2016):
 Stop. You can't marry someone you don't trust, regardless of how expensive or embarrassing cancelling would be.
It will be incredibly expensive if you need a divorce down the road because you realised after the wedding that the trust is gone and you can't move on.
OP, it's tough, but you have to just say you have things you need to work on before committing to marriage.
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A
female
reader, Engagedconfused +, writes (5 September 2016):
Engagedconfused is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf anyone would have asked me a week ago if I thought he would cheat I would have said "hell no", he didn't even want to go. He wanted a joint bachelor party for the both of us and I was he one that encouraged him to go and be with his friends. He texted / sent me snap chats the while night. He told me that they were having drinks with a group of girls but I thought nothing of it. I wanted him to have fun.He swears nothing besides the bj and some kissing happened. He said he felt guilty and asked her to leave before he was "finished", he then went to find one of the guys that had went to the room to go to sleep. He said the trhe weekend made him really look at who he was hanging out with. There were 5 of them total, one guy single, the other guy that has a gf went to bed early because he didn't want to be around the other girls and the other two guys both hooked up with the girls. I haven't told anyone besides my aunt. So much of me loves him but at the same time I'm so torn. I cancel the wedding this close to our date is embarrassing , everyone is going to want to know why, my family has spent so much money giving me my dream wedding. If I tell my family what happened my father will kill him. They won't want me even considering marry him.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (5 September 2016):
 It depends.
This is a matter of compatible sexual values.
It is good he stopped before it lead to sex and that reflects that he has morals.
On the other hand, curious if he is still going to stay friends with the same people that encouraged him to cross boundaries that he says he did not want to cross.
We all make mistakes, and in the future, when things are challenging in your marriage (and you both will face challenges in the future for sure, that is life), you will make mistakes too. You will face temptation too, and you might even cross some lines too.
The question is
1-can you forgive and move on?
2-is he going to keep the same friends that are counter his values?
3-how would you expect him to react if the situation were reversed?
Once you can answer the above you will know what to do.
-Frank
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (5 September 2016):
Im going to spoil it for you - the only reason it didnt lead to sex is because the BJ finished the job first.
What he has on his side is that he was honest and could have lied. You need to decide if you can trust him balancing that info.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2016): He cheated. A blow job is intimate and is a sexual act. I doubt very much whether that was 'all' that happened. Naked girls? Do you think he kept his fingers and tongue to himself? Postpone your wedding until you know what you want to do. Also he should be off down the STI clinic for a check up. Herpes, thrush etc can easily spread via oral.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (5 September 2016):
Due to his actions afterwards, telling her to leave, coming home early, confessing all immediately, I'd probably try to forgive him. That said, I wouldn't be able to marry him so soon after - I'd need months to figure out if I could trust him again. I think you should do the same.
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