A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 29 and a fitness instructor and fiance he is 32 and is a financial analyst. We have a good sex life just til now. Foreplay he was never that much into it but it would still happen. Lately, foreplay is non-existent.Lately, there has been a change, he never touches me down there and now has told he doesn't like me touching him when he wants to sleep with me. He says it feels odd when it's soft and I can only touch him when he is hard or when he allows it. Doesn't touch me at all just kisses or touches my chest. It takes him a while to get there. Then, lately mentions how he sucks at sex and how I seem like I know more than him. Which is odd cause we have been intimate over 2 years. Also,He did something peculiar out of the blue. He bit my lip hard to the point it bled a little and pulled my hair hard. I am in shock, I am suppose to be married to him in a few months and he is acting different.I have mentioned this to him. By saying, hey it is great having sex with you but I would really enjoy also if you played back with me. I asked him does he have fantasies of bdsm? He said no. But wierd with the whole biting and hair pulling thing. He either ignores it or mentions what I don't like the sex with him.I wouldn't think so but you never know.Do you feel it is just hormones being off or perhaps he could is into bdsm but doesn't want to say? Or Is this normal for some guys? I feel embarrassed for asking this question. Any comments or feedback would be appreciated. Thanks for your help!
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fiance, foreplay, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2018): Hi, It's me the author of the question.Thank you so much for your replies. Some additional information. But yeah, I am a fitness instructor at an all women's gym curves. As for friends? I don't have any single male friends. I don't do the whole flirty text to any of my friends on my cell if I am in a relationship. Also, I don't ever flirt with guys in public when am I am in a relationship. I am a one woman one man person. So, I def. would not think that is an issue.Gosh!! You all are Super amazing!! It was tough to write details on my intimate life with the fiance. Thanks so much for providing a lot of detail. This helps a lot.I have talked to him calmly and have not accused him of anything. I have no idea why he never seems like he watches porn very much into sports. He is a quiet guy. He just told me he isn't able to get sexual all the time and that we have different sex drives. We had a talk and I told him I am open to doing things different or spicing it up. I don't mind I would be happy to . Not going to criticize just lets make each other happy,type of convo. Then, he blurted out he wants to go to see a sex therapist. I said if that is what you would like to do I will go with you and be supportive of what is said. I asked him but if you feel comfortable to tell me before that I am here with open arms not going to say anything bad just listen. He just nodded and walked away. It really is confusing and perhaps I've never been his type or he has a sexual fantasy he is afraid to say .Either way, thanks a million to all of you. You really are all the sweetest! I don't talk to my female friends about it. I am more private. So all of you are angels for writing your advice and I will consider all of it and let you know how it goes. Blessings and a happy day to all of you . Thank so much! You have no idea how much you all helped thank you so much! :D
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2018): I think there is a possibility he is cheating on you. This is why there is a change in behaviour in the bedroom. He is aggressive with someone else possibly and now with you. He won't go down on you because he's going down on someone else. Doesn't like you touching him? Someone else is. Look into this possibility. It's very real.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (26 May 2018):
 How are things with him otherwise? I don't really get a "nice guy" vibe about this man from reading about him. Is he whiney in general?
I almost feel like he's pushing you away and giving you reasons to leave him.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (26 May 2018):
 AND please don't play the "blame game" with your fiance.
Just speak in more "general terms" and again, be kind to yourself and to your fiance.
The softer your approach, the more "open" your fiance is likely to be.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (26 May 2018):
You DO need to TALK to your fiance for sure.
If him biting your lip so hard (that it bled) and him pulling your hair hard has made you feel uncomfortable, to the point of writing in to DC, then you yourself "acknowledge" that something is wrong here.
You two are about to get married and whilst sex isn't "everything", it is certainly a "very important" component and part of any healthy marriage.
If you're having sexual issues now, then have you thought about, how much "worse" it may get "after marriage"?
This is "serious", so it must be dealt with in a "serious" and no nonsense manner.
Also, please remember, you should feel comfortable and not afraid, to be able to approach your husband to be regarding anything and he, in turn, should be able to listen to what you have to say, without ignoring you or getting upset.
The same obviously applies, to your husband approaching you too.
If you find it hard to be open/direct with your fiance and vica versa, then to be honest, it will not get "any better" for you both after marriage.
You really need to have a serious think about how you both approach your sex life and how you approach things in general, because marriage is all about working together as a team and about meeting each other halfway.
If you guys can't do this, then what do you really have?
Tell your fiance how you feel, about his new approach to sex and your sex life and express your feelings/concern about him biting your lip hard and pulling your hair hard.
Just don't come across as angry, loud, condescending, belittling, etc;.
Be gentle, polite and respectful in your approach.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 May 2018):
 I think he is getting cold feet about marriage. When you were still dating, everything was new and fresh. You presented your best selves. Now you will see each other full time and notice imperfections. He is already trying to hide his "softness." Now he only wants sex when he's confident that he can perform well. He finds it hard to admit the truth that sex on tap does not work well perfectly. By biting you and pulling your hair, he's trying to be the dominant one so he gets to decide when sex happens so you won't ever have to find out when he's soft. He doesn't have to use excuses like he's tired, stressed out or has a headache. He's in control and he sets the tempo. When you are horny but he's not, then you don't get any. Of course he denies being into BDSM because he doesn't want you to know his weakness. Physically, you are the fitter one of the two. He will find it hard to keep up with you.
You have to let him know that playing boss is not going to work for you. If sex isn't going to happen, at least there should be hugging and kissing. Now you have to earn your affections and that's just not right.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): He is either fallen out of love with you or never loved you. He is bored with this relationship and he is disrespectful and doesn't love you. Leave him and never look back. The world is full of nice and decent guys who would love you and treat you much better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): I get the feeling things are not quite right here.
Does he watch porn?
If he's not doing what you want and is brushing you aside when you are in bed together and then biting you and pulling your hair and you feel un-easy... Then yes, something's off! I feel turned off and a bit shocked myself, I can feel his coldness seeping through what you've written.
I would personally try to have a long think about your situation. This man has skeletons in his closet, he wants to share that closet with you soon enough.
Just be careful. Making love with a man who is to be your husband should not leave you feeling anxious and frustrated.
This is what happens when woman give their bodies to strange men?!?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 May 2018):
 If your sex life is already unsatisfactory, how do you envisage it will be 5 years, 10 years or more down the line? Is that what you want for yourself?
If you two can't communicate about this, then you really need to give serious consideration to whether you want to choose to spend more years like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): Your instincts are on-point. He's acting strange.
Consider it a red-flag when you try to discuss intimacy with your partner; and he plays it off or dismisses you. Especially when you don't like what he's doing, or he isn't doing any of the things you really want and need in bed.
If he's acting weird during sex, don't tell him you enjoy it; then contradict yourself, and say you do. Mixed-signals only confuse an issue; it won't solve the problem. That's why he didn't take your concerns seriously, and brushed you off. He's been checking-out some hardcore-porn; and now he's trying-out some weird stuff. His head is not in the right place for you right now.
Hit reset! Pump the brakes, before it's out of control!
You had better take this matter seriously. This is the guy you plan to marry. Now is not the time for a bait and switch!!!
Resolve your concerns now. Don't put it off, and regret it later. If you're getting married, now is the time to establish your equality. Once you're in, it's too late.
Two years in, and only months from the wedding; and now he goes freaky on you. it doesn't sound like a good freaky.
Put your foot down, or you're going to have a very strange and uncomfortable love-life! If he gets his way, he'll start pushing you around; and you'll feel powerless within your own marriage.
Okay, you've got a preview of things to come. Nip it in the bud!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2018):
 I think you need to have another chat about the biting and hair pulling. IF it is something you are NOT into, you need to make that clear.
You two are getting married - I think he wants to make sure you have and active and "creative" sex life.
I think the lip biting/hair pulling was his CLUMSY "attempt" of spicing things up.
So you DO need to have a talk about sex. If you NEED foreplay you need to talk him about that. Sex is for both of you.
Perhaps he has also started watching different kinds of porn? Maybe he thought that since the woman in the pron enjoyed that... maybe you would too?
THIS is why you NEED to have an adult conversation and not accept shitty or crappy excuses.
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