A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I'm not in a really good place right now and I'm hoping for some help. My bf is a super sweet guy but he can also be emotionally distant and introverted. I don't like this part of him and I feel insecure because of it. I'm trying to figure out his behaviour right now. Because something seems off.He left to go visit his mum. She lives a 6 hour drive from us. She's having reno's done to her apartment and my bf is helping her out with some projects.Yesterday he was alone in her apartment working on the electrical outlets. His mum was out for the day on an outing with her friends.He called me several times throughout the day to check in and chat with me. He went to Lowe's and Home Depot to pick up some screws and other items he needed to do the work. I was talking to him while he was in the stores and on his drive back home to his mum's place. Once he got to his mum's at around 4 p.m. he told me he had to get to work on the electrical outlets and that he would call me in a couple of hours.He ended up calling me 4 hours later. He said he was cleaning up after he finished the work he had to do. He then went into the guest bathroom, which was one of the rooms being renovated, and said there was a leak in the ceiling and he put a pale underneath to temporarily stop the leak. As he was on the phone with me, he said he had just seen the leak as he did not step foot into that bathroom at all that day. His mum then arrived and we left the conversation there. So, fast forward to this morning. He was driving back home from his mum's and we were talking on the phone. He seemed distant and not that talkative.I asked him more about the work he did. He told me he finished all the electrical except for 10 sockets which would be behind furniture, so he left them for his next visit.He told me he installed a new electrical panel in the master bath yesterday. He also said he did electrical work in the guest bathroom. Both share a shut off circuit. So he did them together. Then I asked, if he did the master bath yesterday it is likely he also did the guest bath as they share a shut off. He agreed. But then I brought up the contradiction. Which is: If he did the electrical in the guest bath, he would already have been in that room yesterday. He said he was in that room during his clean up as he hadn't noticed it before that.So, was this clearly a lie?He then got angry and said that he knows he did the work and that it's tedious and time consuming and he doesn't remember every little detail of what he did or when he did it. He asked me if next time I'd like him to write a list or a timeline of when he does what. He then told me I was irritating him and that he didn't want to talk to me anymore and hung up the phone. It's been 2 hours since he hung up. No word. I have accused him of being unfaithful while visiting his mum's town in the past. Things like him saying he's too tired to talk to me and then not being in touch at all the next day til evening. I am concerned he was out with another woman while his mum was out of the house. And he embellished/was vague about his story about the work he did around the apartment. I am concerned he lied to me because of the inconsistency. And when I asked him doesn't he remember if he was in the guest bath yesterday doing electrical work, he said no. He doesn't remember if he did electrical work there yesterday. But he DOES remember walking in there and seeing a leak in the ceiling!!How can someone forget 1. What they did the day before (just yesterday!) and 2. Be selective with what they remember and what they don't remember??I think something is fishy and I'd like to know if I really am paranoid, which is what my bf accuses me of.Not sure what to do? Do I contact him to apologize? Do I let it be? Just ignore him? I don't see why I need to apologize for calling him out on something he said which contradicted himself. And why is he so irritated with me for that?
View related questions:
insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): It's the OP. Female Anon, I am very intelligent. He is attracted to intelligent women. Ironic that what he loves the most may be his own undoing. I cried at your post. Thank you. It's rare to see such kindness and caring. It's been a process. I am inching closer to leaving him everyday. I came close yesterday. I know I will get there. xox
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): Did sparks fly?
I just think he's ok. If he's screwing someone else behind your back leave him. Especially if you think he is and can't get beyond that. Poor lad, he needs a break! Let him screw in your head and in his if he so desires. But let him go. You clearly do not trust him and that is not good - at all - Ever!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): The one thing I picked up from this is that you are a very intelligent woman and should really be applying for a job in intelligence services because you dissect the minutae of life.Thats why the boyfriend got angry.Because you demonstrated that you have a sharp mind.Meanwhile I applaud you for your attention to detail.Your mind is really wasted on this guy.Imagine how dreary it must be for him having to say everything twice (once to you and onceto the wife!)And he has to keep the timeline realistic for both of you.So if the wife says "Darling dont forget to buy the ketchup and you say "can you pick me up some salt while youre out" he might just forget who asked for what and get muddled and give you the ketchup and her the salt!This of course is no big deal unless of course you feel traumatised by the ketchup and take it to mean something malevolant.And the wife would wonder why he returned with the salt to put on the burgers for the barbeque!So in the way you explained the married man is getting muddled and loosing track a bit because you have now thrown a mother into the equation who also wants something.In your mind its simple.You give him sex and secrecy.And you expect nothing in return.Bless you!You really are an undervalued piece of treasure.Now hearing that he took control of your life by taking your virginity explains a lot.Its most likely that he is older than you and definately pulling rank of being older and wiser than you.But you are a smart cookie and a good 50% of your mind knows that you deserve more.He has coerced you through sex into believing that you are obligated to be with him.But you know you have free will and the right to make choices.Oddly enough you remind me of someone like Natasha Kampush who was kidnapped as a child and as her ordeal progressed she thought she couldn't escape.You should download and read her book because she finally made it out and back into the real world.At one point her captor/boyfriend thrust her stark naked to the front door and told her to step out and she couldnt because she felt her mind was trapped.I feel your mind is trapped but as you mature a little more each day you are slowly turning the tables on him and we are with you every day trying to let you see that you can have it all once you break free from these artificially imposed boundaries every day.I really dont like this married man at all.He had no right to take your virginity and mess up your headIf he started this when you were too young to have full control of your situation then he should be locked up in jail and you should be represented by a lawyer and compensated!And I think I understand now why you are so upset.Because artificial boundaries are set around you.He has convinced you that you are mistress material and he is there for you when wifey isnt around but you are seeing that he isnt there for you but for himself.So I really feel trully sorry that we didnt realise how much coercion and control this man has over you.People have tried to convince you that you are better off without him but we havent helped you to get totally free from him because we thought you were an ordinary person who chose to be unhappy but knowing he took your virginity and kept you on hold for ever after makes me feel quite angry towards him.I see why you want to expose him now and I think you should do just that.Have you anyone you can turn to in the real world?You really do deserve your own life with a proper partner.You dont have to let him keep you dangling on and you know that he is using you.Shame on him!May his false world crumble and his lies and deceptions be totally exposed.Shout it from the roof tops and set yourself free.If you still dont feel strong enough to leave him or to get a job working for intelligence services then keep writing in because you are not alone and we are here for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 May 2018):
 The married man is on DC asking advice. YOU are.
The fact that you are so delusional about your own action and behavior, well maybe that explains why you are so insecure and distrustful.
YOU CAN NOT trust a married man who cheats on his wife. That is a given.
If you think a married man won't cheat on a mistress as EASILY as he has on his wife... Then what can we really tell you?
IF you want this dysfunction in your life, then carry on that affair, but DO grow up and accept culpability. You are not some innocent bystander. The WIFE is.
If you don't WANT to live a life of misery, lies and distrust... then WHY on Earth are you seeing a married man - for years?!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (25 May 2018):
 Wow. He's married. I did not see that coming.
That changes everything.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (25 May 2018):
 You carry a very "fragile" sense of self and you come across as "super insecure".
You ought know the rules.
It's NEVER, EVER a good nor smart idea, to get involved with married men or women.
Why?
Because it will NEVER WORK OUT. IT WON'T!!!
You question this guy inside out and you expect him to be in contact with you multiple times per day and when you expect him to!
This man is "USING YOU TO HIS FULL ADVANTAGE" and you KNOW THIS, yet you continue to "TOLERATE" this. Why??
Are you seriously this desperate and this obsessed??
I would STRONGLY encourage you to make an appointment to speak to a professional about your situation, your feelings and your ADDICTION, to this man!
This is not a healthy relationship and the quicker you wake up to yourself and see this, the better for you.
You've been in this predicament for so many years and you continue to remain and tolerate.
Do you enjoy harsh punishment and stressful situations?
Do you consider it "healthy" to remain within an unhappy relationship, as a "mistress" and to write in to DC, year after year after year after year?
You need to wake up to YOURSELF and sort your life out!
Do you have anything else to occupy your days, other than to revolve your life around this man?
MAKE A SERIOUS CHANGE FOR THE BETTER, OR EXPECT TO WRITE IN TO DC IN THE NEXT 5 YEARS, REGARDING THE SAME THING!
Ask yourself, when do i end this repetitious madness?
You should also get serious counselling for your own "insecurities", OTHERWISE, no matter what new relationship you enter into, YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL/ACT THE SAME WAY.
I'm sorry to say, however, your behaviours remind me of,
Alex Forrest, from, Fatal Attraction
and
Evelyn Draper, from, Play Misty For Me
If you don't know of these two movies, please check both out.
Personally, i don't think you should ever be with any man, UNTIL, you have FULLY RESOLVED your own issues.
When you find YOUR all important CLOSURE, then you can move forward with positivity.
KNOW THYSELF, before you can KNOW ANYBODY ELSE.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 May 2018):
 So anon, what do you propose this OP to end the relationship?
I think she should get counseling lined up, then end the relationship so this OP isn’t here next year, and the next and then in 2021 completely upset that MM won’t commit, and is he cheating because of mysterious scratches and going AWOL to Home Depot.
She’s obviously stuck and doesn’t remember that old definition of insanity. You know, the one about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome every time.
It’s sad, repetitive and a waste of her time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): I hate how people jump on the other woman.Well, duh, of course she is going to fall for this prick. He is a very good actor and con artist. He sought her out because he knew he could manipulate her, lie to her and feed her fantasies. He is a cold hearted snake. And he knows exactly how to manipulate a woman. I am sure he has done it many times before. He certainly knows who to pick to fill his mistress job vacancy. He has picked well. She has stayed in this job for five years and counting! Sweet heart, you were/are vulnerable and he is playing off this. He is using your naivete to his full advantage. He knows you are a day dream believer, a hopeless romantic. He is one shrewd and cunning man. It is all about HIM. What he wants. And to hell with you.Now, OP, I do not blame you totally. I do believe you are a victim of this asshole. Yes, you knew what you were doing. But you did not know what kind of a toll it would take on your life, your very well being. Most of us don't until we're drowning from being in too deep.It is clear you were never suited to play this role from the beginning. He may not have known that when your affair began, but I am certain he did know that as your affair progressed. You are clingy, profess love for him, expect him to be a man he will never be, want more of his time, attention, and I suspect he has told you he is not that man, and if not by words, he has made this clear by his distance and how he places you on a shelf in between sexual romps. Content to live his life without you in it, until he needs you for sexual gratification or escape.What kind of a man does this?The kind of a man you cannot trust.If this person is you, who has remained in this affair for years, you are going to have to get out. It will not end well for you. I think men like this need to be taught a lesson. I would tell his wife if I were you.The way he uses women for his pleasure is evil and needs to stop.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 May 2018):
From 3 years ago, you wrote: “I need healthier outlets for my emptiness and unfulfilled life. Healthier escapes or outlets. This one is only going to lead me to destruction and heart break. It feels good right now but someday that joy will turn to sorrow and pain. It does not matter which way it ends but it will end and it will end with me being destroyed. I see that in my future.”
It’s kind of heartbreaking to watch this slow-motion train wreck unfold over the years. Just think, if you had received help 5 years ago, you might today be in a happy, healthy, and public relationship with a great guy. You’ve tied yourself like the proverbial ball and chain to an unavailable cold and calculating married man.
But these are the results of your choices, OP. Do you have free will? Or do we need to find you the link for the abused women’s hotline near you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 May 2018):
Three and a half years ago, you wrote this: “But my trust issues are coming up a lot lately and as much as I want to, I am always questioning things he does, says, where he has been, what he has been doing. I feel jealous and insecure even though I am a very attractive and confident woman who does have the total package. I want to trust him but I am afraid I just cannot. And I am making myself worry and I am constantly paranoid and emotionally unstable with anxiety and worry that he is going to do it to me or is already. Even though deep down I do not think so or believe it, the worry will always be there. And it is slowly eating my up inside.”
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-he-cheats-to-be-with-you-does.html
You wrote this 3 years ago: “But it is only an ill fated, temporary bliss. Bound to fail. Even though there was hope against hope from the moment it blossomed. Until now.”
In http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-married-boyfriend-of-two-years-is-torn.html
OP, you’ve been miserable in this relationship for YEARS. Did you ever get the counseling you said you’d look into?
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (25 May 2018):
 So he is married? Wake up and acknowledge he is not YOUR boyfriend; he is SOMEONE ELSE'S HUSBAND.
Given this new information, then I would guess he probably IS lying to you. He is already lying to his wife so why should he treat his bit of spare any better?
And the reason he gets shirty with you when you question him? Because you have NO RIGHT to question him. You are not his wife OR his girlfriend; you are just his bit on the side. Your role is to lie back and open your legs, not to question anything he tells you or demand anything from him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 May 2018):
OP, I found something I wrote to you nearly 5 years ago:
“What was it you were here to ask? Oh right, a married man that you encouraged to come on to you treated you like shit and you felt awful and lousy and the lowest of the low. And what a surprise, here you are, saying "Oh I just can't help myself." All we are doing is calling B.S. when we see it. It's like watching some sort of slow-motion trainwreck, where you know what is going to happen, and you know you could stop it, if only the engineer of the train would pay attention to the signs. Waving off red flag after red flag, "Oh I am just so stuck on these train tracks I can't possibly slow down, poor me, isn't everyone just like me in this same predicament?" Um, no. You are out there, granted with other women who do fool around with married men. It's just normally, the ones who get badly hurt don't go back for more punishment. The sex just isn't worth the aftermath.”
That was from http://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-dumped-me-and-i-am-feeling.html
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 May 2018):
 Yep, you sound crazy.
What a bizarre thing to pick as evidence of your partner possibly cheating.
1. Why are you with him if you don’t trust him?
2. Why is he staying with you if this is what he has to put up with?
Get a grip. Either break up with him or learn to trust.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2018): Hello. It is the OP.Well, he just left my place. He came back with a big, deep scratch around his ankle, a bruise on his left bicep and a tiny scratch under his right bicep. Explained them away by saying he was working so it's to be expected. Even challenged me to figure out a scenario in which another woman could scratch his ankle that way. I refrained from such theatrics. He said he scratched himself there. He made love to me (well, fucked me) and seemed pretty horny. So, while he was away, I GUESS he didn't have any sex, with anyone else? Or DID HE? I will never know, will I? But I have convinced myself he HAS. I just feel it. Can't explain why. Is it really my paranoia here?Yes, Tisha, he IS married.Now you can all see why I am NOT psycho for not trusting him. It is more the case that I am psycho by staying with him. He is leaving on a trip for 3 weeks soon with his wife. He probably wants to make sure his living sex toy is going to be waiting for him when he gets back. Sure, go have your fun with some woman in a faraway town and nobody ever finds out BUT he still wants to make sure he has ME!! Hmmmm. What on earth would he ever do if I did the same to him. AND I DON'T. He took my virginity. He is the ONLY man I have ever had sex with. Why does it seem ok for a man to have fun with other women while the woman he is with is forbidden from doing the same?I think I need help. Yes, it is not easy being a mistress. It really does mess you up pretty badly.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2018): You're not even sure it's a lie. Does it matter?
You wrote a long piece about him. I checked-out the link Tisha-1 posted of your previous post.
One could say you are obsessed and addicted to this man.
Well, married-men with mistresses are well-practiced at lying and cheating.
That's what they do!
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 May 2018):
He’s married! http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-does-my-married-boyfriend-love-me-one.html
You are his mistress.
You don’t trust him.
He has told you time and again that he can’t give you what you demand.
Why you stay attached to a married man you don’t trust should be explored with the help of a good psychiatrist or psychologist.
You’ve driven yourself into misery and unhappiness. He didn’t force you. You went there voluntarily.
Again, why you made such poor choices in your life is a topic that needs to be explored with a qualified mental health professional.
You were on this site years ago talking about starting this affair and were repeatedly warned that things would not go well.
Take the advice you keep coming back for. If you want sympathy, go to your friends! I’m guessing though that you don’t have anyone as a close friend and you’ve laid all your hope on this distant and unreliable married man.
Again, talk to a professional, your self-awareness is not realistically informing your choices.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 May 2018):
Short answer: Your boyfriend's explanation sounds plausible, and is very likely true, and you sound like a psycho.The reason he might be mixing up small details is because they are SMALL, UNIMPORTANT details he has no reason to commit to memory. I've done the same countless times. I can recall the VIN of a car I owned 20 years ago (and can recite it backwards) but I don't remember what I ate for dinner the night before. Wait, did I check the mail this morning or was that every other morning? This happens because I am often busy and there are 101 thoughts, plans, projects, ponderings spinning in my head at any given time. Your boyfriend was busy renovating his mum's flat. Picture it: he's measuring this, cutting that, stopping umpteen times to pick up a dropped nail, get another tool, get a drink, pick up more supplies, double check measurements, file this, tighten that, up and down and back and forth all day long, and getting sweaty, dirty and dusty in the process. Did he see the leak in the bathroom BEFORE he did this or after he did that? REALLY??Your boyfriend has every right to end it with you for this episode alone. Few would blame him.The source of your insecurities is because of something about YOU, not something about him. It tells the world that you don't have much going for you. You don't have leagues of attractive men vying for your attention, no hobbies and few responsibilities to occupy your time and energy, nothing about you that can sustain a man's interest beyond a few months. If that description doesn't fit you then you've done yourself a great disservice.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 May 2018):
So you ask him for details so you can "catch" him at doing wrong? or lying or whatever slight you hope to find?
Personally, I can see why he has had enough.
WHY was it so important to you to dissect his account of what he did?
And why do you need oral report of his work progress? What are you his GF or his probation officer?
IF he has cheated in the past and you have "probable cause" to not entirely trust him, then I can see why you look for fishy things... but then WHY are you still with him?
And secondly, if you don't TRUST him WHY are you with him?
If my husband tried to pull that kind of shit with me about what I was doing during the day and I perhaps got the days mixed up or whatnot... And then called me a LIAR if I got things out of order or perhaps mistaken... I would NOT want to stay with him.
No, you shouldn't apologize because YOU don't mean it. You would only apologize so you could continue to date him.
It would be INSINCERE of you.
I think you need to just leave to poor man alone. And maybe you need to work on those insecurity & trust issues you clearly have. How would you feel if HE constantly accused you of shit you hadn't done? Or wanted a play by play of your day hoping to catch you in a lie or mistake?
Seriously, OP... This isn't healthy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 May 2018):
My guess is that he is so irritated because he is tired from working long and hard while all you are doing is looking for the tiniest "inconsistency" in his story to trip him up.
You need to decide whether you trust him or not. As you are constantly looking for clues to his infidelity, I would suggest you do NOT trust him at all. Is this down to proof of past discretions or is it down to your own insecurity? If the former, then you have obviously not got over past issues and are unlikely to ever trust him again, in which case you have to ask yourself if you want to live the rest of your life this way. If the latter, then you need to get help before you ruin this relationship.
The answer to your questions about what to do next surely rely on what your answers are to the above questions.
...............................
|
