A
male
age
26-29,
*auly2000
writes:I was hoping if a female mind would be able to help out here because I'm in love with my best friend and I don't know if she feels the same way.I'm 23 and never had a proper relationship before so not terribly experienced! However, met this gal at uni and we immediately hit it off as friends. I mean, I fancied her from the get go but as we started hanging out more I fell more in love with her. We just make each other laugh and always meet up with each other but I don't know if she just sees me as a really good friend.She's got a boyfriend but I don't think she's all that into him. He's a bit controlling really but whenever he comes up, she basically ignores all my messages for ages because she's spending time with him. There's this other guy in her flat though who I'm sure she really fancies because she's always going on about him, especially when she's drunk. She slags him off all the time, but then always wants to see him, even though he doesn't have any interest in her. On drunken nights out, we dance together and hold hands but I wonder if she does it to try and make him jealous, which he isn't.I don't know, it's all very complicated when I write it down like this but I'm very in love with her and don't know what to do. If I told her how I feel and she rejected me, it'd completely ruin the best friendship I've ever had which I really don't want. Should I wait a bit and see how things go? Its been about 8 months since we first met.Thanks to who ever read this!
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male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (26 May 2018):
 Couple of issues here. First things first, she has a boyfriend, second things second, she has a crush on another guy, third things third she ignores you when she's with the boyfriend...you know, the same controlling one you THINK she isn't really into.... and finally, it seems quite evident that she tells you stuff about her boyfriend and crushes like a confidant, unless she's trying to do a weird job of making you jealous I don't believe she sees you as more than a friend.
When it comes to women, you can't really take anything too seriously, smiling, holding hands, a hug, looking into your eyes and kissing you square in the face can mean EVERYTHING and absolutely NOTHING at the same time. Woman are often compared to cats because they enjoy attention and playing with people. Many woman enjoy flaunting their bodies and sexuality because they can and it makes them feel good knowing that they are desired by x-or-so men. They become more and more aware that they can pick-choose-and-refuse whoever they want. It's their natural god given power and many people like to have power.
I'm not under the impression this girl wants to be more than friends with you. You can try but just KNOW that she may reject you....very harshly at that. I think you should cast your net elsewhere and just remains friends with her. If a woman likes you she'll make it clear....sorta.
All the best.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (26 May 2018):
 I would also like to add,
Getting involved with those who are ALREADY INVOLVED, is way too "complex" and "messy".
Spare yourself, any "unnecessary" hassle and issues, by NOT getting involved in the first place.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (26 May 2018):
In short, you DO NOT try to get involved with a person who's ALREADY involved!
You have been this young lady's friend for approx 8 months and if you wish to DESTROY this friendship, then you're going the right way about it.
Ask yourself this question,
Now that i am "in love" with this girl, can i see myself befriending her ongoingly?
Your response to this question should be enough, to allow you to either "keep" or "discard" your friendship with her.
If you're in too deep and you cannot shake off these feelings that you have for her, then you seriously need to back off from this friendship, because this young lady is "TAKEN!"
If you RESPECT her and RESPECT her relationship, you won't ever try to interfere and destroy what she has.
She likes you as a "friend" and nothing more.
I would say, you are more so "infatuated" with this young lady, not "in love" with.
Yes, you are confusing the two and "infatuation" and "love" are two very different things.
This is obvious, because if she was MORE into you than any other guy, she'd "choose" to let go of her bf and she'd "choose" to be with you.
It really is that simple.
Again, you need to LET GO of your "infatuation" and be "realistic" here.
Back off and continue to remain friends, if you "can", or if you "can't" accept this, then you "leave" this friendship for good.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 May 2018):
 People with no proper relationships attract others with no proper relationships. Mature and experienced people do not stay in bad relationships, and will not go forward into forbidden relationships. Even with lack of experience and being lonely, you shouldn't ignore proper dating etiquette. I am not sure if your question is figuring what to do, or just figuring her mind. If you ask if she likes you as a person, I would say she likes how you make her feel, that you are emotionally supportive and nice. She likes that you are so agreeable that you would dance with her to make a guy jealous. As to whether she wants to date you, she doesn't like you enough to dump her boyfriend and to focus on only you. It is better to have no experience than to have bitter experiences and drama. You don't learn anything from people you can't trust. The specific thing you want to know is, as you asked, you are in love with her, but does she feel the same way? I would say no. If she's really in love with you, she would dump her boyfriend and date you. You may think guys and girls and different that guys and more direct; girls don't say what they mean and are more subtle. No, if a girl is in love with an outsider and still stays in a relationship, then that's not a girl you want to be with because you won't be able to trust her. And yes, she does not need a knight to save her from a bad relationship. If you can't be adult enough to walk away from a relationship then you shouldn't be in one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 May 2018):
 She has a BF!
That should AUTOMATICALLY put her in the "don't go there pile".
Doesn't matter if he is "controlling" - she seems like a girl who would walk if he isn't what she wants. She doesn't need a "Shiny knight" to "save" her from this BF.
She is with him because SHE wants to be.
If you profess your feelings for her, you will LOSE her as a friend. And you having ulterior motives by having romantic feelings for her makes you a NOT good friend. Because you are looking to DATE/ROMANCE her - that is not what a GOOD friend would do.
So IF you are looking for a GF, she isn't it. LOOK elsewhere. You are ONLY holding yourself back by holding a torch to this lady. She isn't into you. She might USE you and then toss you... IF you allow it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): If the chance arises you should tell her I think. It's probably not Love for her, just Love for the idea of being with her. It's lovely that you are all agush with feelings for her and I feel for you (just so frustrating!) I - myself - just go right ahead and try to tell the person nowadays (there have been a couple) and if it goes down like the Hindenburg, then I move on and keep it as a nice memory that I (amazingly) am agush with "Love" for the poor being in question! In the end I ponder "was it Love or infatuation/desire." It amuses me as the time passes by....And so These are the Q's that occupy ME when a poor unsuspecting victim isn't at the time, at the mercy and scrutiny of my "Love" feelings.They call us Hopeless Romantics!Still - tell her! She can only say Yes or No. Maybe she'll throw in some expletives and reject you, but hey, that's her problem, she doesn't get you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (25 May 2018):
 This isn't being in love, OP. It's a crush on someone you're close to.
She's with her boyfriend because she chooses to be. If she fancies the other guy too, it's another reason you can't be with her. She also gets drunk and slags people off. She's like a lot of young women her age, but it's immature and not girlfriend material.
You dancing with her is asking for trouble. She's drunk and flirty - it doesn't mean more.
I'm sorry, OP, but you need to move on. Don't talk to her so much or you'll stay infatuated. Don't hang out alone together. Accept that she's not interested. Don't flirt, dance or hold hands. If you wouldn't do it with a guy friend, don't do it with her.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 May 2018):
 This has disaster written all over it.
She has a BF, you suspect she likes another guy and then there’s you who is hiding your feelings. If she didn’t like her BF, she would break up with him, if she liked this other dude then she would be actively pursuing him. If she wanted you then she would be dating you.
She is in a relationship so that’s where this situation ends. Don’t try to interfere or influence her, just accept that she’s taken and get over this crush. Yes, I said crush. You aren’t in love with someone that doesnt love you back.
She sounds like she likes to flirt and has wandering eyes or else she wouldn’t be trying to gain interest by anyone outside her relationship. This isn’t a friendship for you, you cannot be friends with someone who you want more with, it’s not possible. Being realistic I doubt you’ll ever get together with this girl and you need to weigh up whether pretending you want to remain friends with someone that you’re constantly going to want to date but seeing her with someone else is worth it.
I think you know deep down you’re wasting your time. If she was attracted to you and didn’t care about this BF as much as you say then he would be gone and you would be together with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2018): My friend, I'm sure you'll get the female opinions that you've asked for; but let me give you some advice man to man.
The young lady has a boyfriend. So you should respect the boundaries; unless you want to deal with a confrontation.
You've described a very outgoing young female; who likes attention, and having a good time. She enjoys life and having a good time; but her conversation when drunk doesn't mean she's up for grabs.
Times when she isn't herself and buzzed on alcohol; are not the times you try to be slick and take advantage. You are really showing signs you can't be trusted.
If she was your girl, how would you feel if someone in your circle of friends was checking her out? Looking for the golden opportunity to slither up to her when your back is turned?
Admire from afar. You're not in-love with her, you are infatuated and horny.
You also said she fancies a flatmate; well, how can she be into her boyfriend, the flatmate, and you all at the same time You're reading more into it than is really there. Just because you've got the hots for her.
Go find yourself a lady who's single and available. Don't make trouble you'll live to regret.
She's flirty when tipsy. Being young, she's enjoying life and all the male attention.
You said her boyfriend doesn't care? Oh, he cares! He's watching every male within eyesight of his woman. He'll notice when guys are coming-on to her. You're going to stir-up a fight, and ruin all the fun one night. You're on the verge of making a move; and you think asking the women you'll strike some soft nerve to encourage you to be a homewrecker.
I'm a guy, and let me be the first (if the only one) to tell you to get a grip. She's another guy's woman. Honor the guy code; just as you would expect from your own mates!
Stay in the friend-zone where you belong. The lady is taken!
Trying a move on her would only make you an opportunist. It's not up to you to decide whether her boyfriend deserves her; or take it upon yourself to infringe on her relationship.
If she's still with him; that's because she wants to be. She's just a flirt and may be trying to start trouble. You just might end-up with a broken nose. Some ladies like it when their boyfriends beat guys up for them. He might not be the fighting type; but don't be the reason he decides to change his ways. You're thinking out of line.
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