A
female
age
36-40,
*k.kitty
writes:my fionce is controlling, weve bee together just over a year and at the beginning of the relationship it was so perfect! now, hes a control freak, i cant even wear the tops that i like. hes pinned me down by the throat wen weve bin arguin n slapped me across the face, althought he has never hit me properly. i just dont know what to do coz i keep thinkin if i dont get out now, what will it be like in a few years time? please help! what should i do? uk.kitty x
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male
reader, Kohjakza  +, writes (15 September 2007):
Drop that man, there are plenty of fish in the sea and you can find what you already have and want in this man with another, but with out the physicality and abuse, cause thats what it is, plain and simple. so have some self respect and stngth, act on it and LEAVE HIM!!!
A
male
reader, Hk45cal  +, writes (15 September 2007):
Sweety, you dont need to have all the facts. If a man puts his hands on you thats all the facts you need. He put his hands around your throat for CHRIST SAKES! What more do you need. Thats not respect. If you think it gets better, It doesnt. I deal with these type of people for a living!
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (15 September 2007):
 Dump him, move on, and restrict all contact with him to "zero".-Frank B Kermit
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Instead of running away like everyone else seems to be telling you to do, who don't really know all the facts, start to think about what has changed in his life and yours to make things go from perfect to where you are now.Take a step back. If you live with him maybe move back in with your parents for a while. From now on try to make 'arguments' into more discussions. Think of ways to take the heat out of the situation. Do this in say a quiet part of a pub or in a public place. Find out what is missing in the relationship. He may have problems you don't know about and pressure is getting to him.Spend a little more time with friends. So that if you have to leave him life won't seem as bad. It is important to spend time with friends who are not overbearing. What I mean by this is that they listen to your side of the story, give their honest opinion because they care for you, but do not shove it down your throat - and pressure you.It just seems in relationships these days its guys versus girls and there is so much bitchyness and people give advice based on biterness from past experience. Every relationship is different.You must love the guy if you got engaged to him. He has absolutley no excuse for hitting you - so make sure he understands this. Work on your communication.Nobody said love and relationships are easy. They have to be worked at. Ask yourself, have you put in the work to save this relationship?He does sound abusive so give him a chance to change. With all sorts of social problems in society I think its bad advice to tell someone to run for the hills.If your boyfriend was a drug addict, would you run or help him with his problem. Do crimnals deserve a second chance. Alcoholics - should they be all ditched?People on this site are genuinely nice people trying to help you but please remember they do not have all of the facts. Don't make a rash decision that may affect the whole course of your life.Take care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 September 2007):
 It's time to get out of that situation. Most controlling relationships start out great. Now it's being restricted what you wear, what's next?????? People with these behaviors thrive on control. I want you to think about it from this angle. Think about it as being a control "ADDICTION". Now think about addictions we are all aware of. Drugs, Alcohol, do people addicted to these start off drunk or stoned a majority of their wake, or do they gradually consume more and more, until they are gone most of the time. That's how controlling behavior starts.
There's a movie, which may be in your country too, I urge you to rent it and watch it. It's called "Enough". The first half of the movie really displays the pattern of controlling behavior. It does start out great, but what I find is by becoming engaged, or married to someone who has a control problem is the ring is like giving them property rights over you. No one has the right to tell you what to do. Here's the kind of relationship that is a good one to strive for: You come into it happy all ready, not looking for fulfillment, you know who you are, where you're going, and what you want. You find someone to marry with those same qualities. Now what you have is a happy marriage with two people spending time together, not because they feel they have to, but because they choose to be together to make their lives even that much better."
The abuse will not stop. You need to get out of the relationship. I don't want to be on here reading questions, and seeing your name come up more and more allowing us to track the abuse getting worse and worse. Sure he slapped you, he has no right to. Take care of yourself, I hope you find true happiness in your life journey.
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A
female
reader, stina +, writes (14 September 2007):
 Hello Kitty,
Your fiance has major problems and he's taking them out on you. He's incredibly insecure, which is most likely why he's such a control freak and power-hungry.
Relationships are based on trust, honesty, communication and LOVE. I do not think that this person has any of these when it comes to/for you.
Your partner should NEVER hit you. And the part about not hitting you "properly..." (He has "properly" hit you!) Why on earth are you standing up for him? You may think you love this person, but my guess is that you were manipulated into thinking that he would be the only person that would want to be with you. If that's what he's been telling you, don't believe it. It's not true. He's saying this because he probably knows that he would not be able to find someone as good as you in the future. Look at him: he's mean, abusive, controlling, insecure, manipulative... Who would want to be with someone like that???
Please, for your own sake, get out of this awful engagement and be on your own for a while to heal. It sounds like you've been through so much - and for what?
You know, there's no shame in calling off a marriage. In fact, I'd say it'd be the smart thing to do in this case.
Think about YOURSELF first. Think about what YOU want. Do you want to live with this person for the rest of your life? It sounds like it would be miserable and depressing.
If you feel like you're stuck, that's not true. If you live with him, then stay with a friend or family member. Look for roommate wanted ads or inexpensive flats in your area. But get out of there! When you move out, try to do it when he's not there - and make sure friends and/or family members are with you so he doesn't try to hit you again and pin you down. Maybe you could see about having an officer present when you leave.
And in the meantime, if he hits you again, call the police. And don't convince yourself that he isn't "properly" hitting you! Stand up for yourself and respect yourself! You're worth it. You are not the trash that he is convincing you that you are.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Clearly you know the answer to your own question, this is abusive pinning you down by the throat and slapping you is a prelude to more violence down the road....He wants to control you, own you, and intimidate you.
Run like the wind and don't have any contact with him again, ever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): oh honey, you are SO right! You do have to get out now. If you are engaged, im guessing ur planning on getting married, which means kids sometime in the future, right? SO think of your own safety, and that of your future kids. What if he hit you when you were pregnant? Or hurt your kids? THis guy is clearly not stable or sane, he sounds jelous and dangerous to me!
You really do need to get yourself out of this situation, before you get really hurt.
Let me know how things go, message me if you want to chat any more babes!
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