A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi i have a problem that is going to soon end my current relationship(its partly the reason my other relationship ended), my boyfriend brought a subject up last night which he told me that i "also have to be right" and that he just agrees with me because its easier than trying to prove me wrong and when he dos try to prove me wrong it gos into a big argument, but for some reason its always him that has to say sorry.i very rarely apoligse for things if it is me in the wrong, please can anyone help as its driving a wedge between us, and i love him so much that i will do anything not to lose him.xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, becca78 +, writes (14 September 2007):
I totally sympathize - I always have to be right as well, and I know how frustrating it is in a relationship. All I can say is that in some circumstances you have to learn to bite your tounge! And if he is wrong - don't say that you knew better. If a disagreement does happen, give him chance to explain what he's saying, maybe other can sometimes be right. Ask what he thinks, and try really hard to listen and if he has an idea - don't be afraid to try it, it might work!
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (14 September 2007):
 First of all, let me say this "YOUR NOT ALWAYS RIGHT". I don't want you to rule out the possibility of "personality disorders" There are a few which include the need to be right, and not owning up when you're the one who is in the wrong. Not saying medication is needed. Treatment for these disorders usually include behavioral therapy.
I want to compliment you on your strength. It's one thing to have relationships go down the toilet, but it takes a big person to realize the part they have in causing them to end. See you know you're in the wrong, and all though you have trouble with your relationship, you just admitted your wrong dong here, by asking for help.
What you need to start to realize and tell yourself is It's OK to make a mistake, it not week to apologize for making it either. As far as you're always having to be right. Don't look at it as being right. If someone is right and someone is wrong, it's like someone winning and someone losing. Did you ever stop to think maybe neither one of you has to be right, and there could be a chance that neither one of you are in certain arguments? We live by perception, how we view the world around us and the people we associate with. If I showed you a picture of a party where everyone is having a great time, you might look at it as being a fun place to be. If I showed you another picture of a party where everyone is fighting, most would assume it wouldn't be much fun to be there. What if I then told you both pictures came from the same party, just different places within. That's how we look at things. You may see something one way, he may see something another way, and you might both be right. Just because you look at something different doesn't meant the way he looks at it is wrong. What I want you to do is this. Seek an evaluation to pinpoint what's causing these behaviors. In the mean time when there are these "Have to be right moments" I want you to view it this way:
We sometimes look at things differently, I respect our differences (that's why your in the relationship, you don't want someone like you, imagine waking up to a double of yourself every morning) So when you get into these arguments, I want you to tell him. I'm not going to try to be right or to prove you wrong, this is the way I see it, and I RESPECT that you have a different view.
That's what partnership is all about. If we all had the answers we wouldn't need a partner. Partners put two versions together to compromise something that works better than either one could have come up with themselves.
Also you need to start saying I'm sorry. You don't have to mail these if you don't want to. I want you to get some paper and think of 5 people you did something or said something to that you didn't apologize to and write an apology. List this is what I did, this is why what I did was wrong. Put yourself in their shoes, if someone else did the same thing to you, how would you feel. Let them know you know you hurt them.
When you apologize remember it DOES NOT include, "If you wouldn't have done....." Even if someone does something to us, we own our reactions to what they did. Even if they do something to us and we overreacted, we need to apologize for the overreaction. And we can't say "well if you didn't do this, I wouldn't have reacted at all" That's placing blame for your action on their action. Actions are separate. They own theirs and you own yours.
I hope everything works out for you. I know it's difficult to act in a way that you want to stop, all though difficult. Tell your boyfriend you love him, you realize these issues are causing a strain, and by working together through this, you'll be able to overcome these habits, Thank him for being there for you this far, and thank him for loving you which caused you to realize the issues and changes you need to make to give him the best of you.
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