A
female
age
30-35,
*arahD2N
writes:My fiancé found out last winter as part of a physical exam for work that he has aggressive stage 3 cancer. His parents moved him into an apartment near the university hospital for treatment and he has been in chemo and radiation and there is some hope. They were with him for a few weeks 24/7 but had to go back to work and hired a homecare nurse to take care of him. It’s been up and down for a few months and the chemo wrecked him physically. He tolerated it poorly and one of the drugs turned him from an athletic person to wheelchair-bound but he was always cheery when I or his parents are around and tried to cheer me up when I came to visit. I have been with him as much as I could, juggling classes and visits (we go to the same university). We play board games, read together, joke around, and I love every minute of being with him, even just watch him sleep. He never complains and his positive outlook never falters. When I’m class, he would text cute silly love notes even from his doctor office. For Valentine’s Day, he asked friends to go buy grocery so he can cook my favorite meal for me, and I had the most romantic surprise meal in the small kitchen of his apartment. We danced with me cradling him in his wheelchair with candles all around. It was like we were falling deeper in love despite his illness. He told me I’m his angel looking over him although he feels guilty that I’m missing out on Spring Break, senior trip, parties and other things that I truly don’t care about anymore. They mean nothing to me now.Then about three weeks ago, one of the PET scans showed more lumps and we took the news hard and he spent time comforting me and cheering me up because that’s just the way he is. The next day, he broke up with me out of the blue and said he no longer wanted to see me. He said he is no longer in love, and hasn’t been that way for a while now but didn’t know how to tell me. I was crushed and I have been crying a lot. None of our friends believes him and I am not sure what think although part of me feels he’s doing this to protect me in case something happens to him since he’s still asking everyone about me. He kept insisting that I need to go on with my life.What did I do wrong? I need help. I only want to be by his side, even if we have only weeks or days left. It should be my decision. He needs help. How can he do this? They are going to up his cocktail of drugs and make him even sicker. Some days, I don’t want to go on.
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female
reader, SarahD2N +, writes (9 April 2011):
SarahD2N is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. Some of it is hard to hear. I was badly hurt in past relationships before so what he said doesn’t help. He’s a phone call away and twenty minutes walk from my room but it kills me knowing he’s across campus but he’s alone at night fending for himself in his apartment when the nurse shift ends and there are days he can hardly crawl to the bathroom. I want to be with him. He needs help but he can be very stubborn.I haven’t been able to eat or sleep and I’ve stopped going to classes. I cry for days and cry for no reason. I heard from friends that our engagement pictures are still on his bedside table where I left them and they were surprised we broke up because he hasn’t mentioned our breakup to anyone. They believe he misses me. I’m beyond sad that he would see everyone but me. I pled with his parents but he wouldn’t talk to them about me. They are kind to me but they too are scared. I’m lost and overwhelmed and don’t know what to do to break through to him that I need him just as much as he needs me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): hi there.sorry to hear about what happen, it must be hard for you.but it might be harder for your guy. I think he felt terrible seeing you cry when you found out about the situation. My brother found out he has stage 3 cancer november last year and he always try to isolate himself from everyone. He thought, he he will be okay to handle everything by himself because he doesn't want to hurt nor see anyone hurt or sad. It took him a long time to realize he needed family and friends for emotional support to become stronger so he can fight the cancer. Eventually, we found this book called ph miracle by dr robert young.He decided to give it a try for a few months and not go through surgery. So every one in the family went on a alkaline diet (bad cell or cancer cell can't survive in alkaline environment), believe me it works. My brother went from stage 3 to stage 1 in three to four months. When we first found out my brother has cancer, we do not like hearing the word cancer over and over again, so we don't talk about it; however, talking about the solution really helps everyone be aware of what actions wer supposed to take to help my brother. It'd be hard but don't look at your guy like hes going die and try to cheer him up, and not the other way around. Try reading the ph miracle. Its a top notch book to follow.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): Before I went to Iraq years ago I remember thinking if I lost my legs or anything how much I would dread seeing my mother, father, girlfriend or anyone I loved.
I came back fine, but I can't explain the feeling to you, or give you any advice. Its like a feeling of embarrassment, dread, uselessness, I can't even explain it.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (9 April 2011):
Deathbeds are not as they are portrayed in movies, and the poor fellow is drifting away from you and, I assure you, everyone else, preparing himself to do alone what must be done alone. I am sorry, but ultimately the condemned man must be allowed this last wish, and I supect a good potion of it involves the intention of shielding you from the pain of watching him go.
I know you don't want to hear the following, and certainly not now, but you are young and I promise you will fall in love again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): I am so sorry to hear about your husbands illness,and the unimaginable strain it is putting on you both. I know by your letter that uou love him dearly,and I'm sure that he loves you dearly as well. I so not pretend to be an expert, but his love for you may be the reason that he tried to distance himself from you by saying what he said.Although what he is especially painful at this difficult time, please know he loves you and most probably does not want you to see him in the state that he is in, as he knows it breaks your heart, and does not want you hurt any more than you already are. He may think that the only way he can make things more bearable for you, is to insulate you from the situation, by removing you from it. He may be trying to be unselfish by wanting to go through it alone, although because you love him as you do, you need to be near him in this most difficut time, when he needs you most. Although I'm sure you have, keep telling him that you have to be with him, and why you can't leave him now, that you are in this together. You might also want to get information about the medication he is on. Ask more than one doctor about possible side effects, that may cause mood swings or irrational behaviour. Powerful drugs, painkillers etc. have been known to alter behaviour, and this may relate to this situation. God bless you, and be strong for him, and for your own well being. Reach out to your family for strength. Harvey G.
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A
female
reader, melanie01  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 What he is going through would have to be the hardest thing in the world. I dont know if he still loves you only he can tell you that. I dont think he can handle seeing you break down anymore especially since he is the cause and there isn't anything he can do about it. The best thing you can do is distract him such as make him a meal and watch a few funny movies things like that. Approch him as a friend who cares. I doubt he wants pity. If he doesn't have long to go then make it the best time you possibly can. No sad faces.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (9 April 2011):
 I am very sorry to hear your fiance has cancer. He MAY be able to make a full recovery, but agressive stage 3 and the finding of new lumps doesn't sound good at all.I don't think you have done anything wrong. You have "been there" to share his ordeal and to comfort him, and it sounds as though he does genuinely love and care for you.However, he is also facing the fact that his time may well be coming to an end........even if it is not, he still needs to recognize the possibility of a limited future and prepare to come to terms with it.I'm sure THIS is why he broke up with you. If he doesn't want to see you, there is no point in your insisting on visiting him. That only makes his loss of you all the harder......(he probably does want to see you but is also trying to spare you - AND HIM - the pain and grief that's involved).I'm not by any means saying the situation is hopeless. It COULD be that his treatment will result in him going into remission for a long time.Maybe you could send him short, but supportive, encouraging notes.......again, I'm sorry to hear what you're both going through......
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reader, prncssGrace  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 I am SO sorry. This made me cry. I have no advice to give you. I dont think he doesnt love you, maybe he's trying to save you from hurt? Idk. I just feel so much for you and send you thoughts and prayers.
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (9 April 2011):
 dont let him push you out of his life. be there for him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): He doesnt want to stop you from doing your daily activities , Like you said parties and senior trips and all that he wants you to keep having fun hes doing this because he loves you still. He feels as if hes stopping you from doing what you want to do and if he were to die he would think if he could that it was a waste of time of you being around only waiting for him to die. Let him know how you feel he needs you.
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