A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help with interferring father please.My elderly father embarassed me when I was trying to buy a new used car..!!He lives in another state and I don’t see him or my mother much.. 1-2 times a year, we small talk on phone every 5 -6 weeks, mostly about them, their health, random things, and my sister, her kids etc.. small talkwhen I told him over the phone late last week on a phone call my car was damaged and a “write off” or unrepairable, (as an idiot damaged it by reversing into it at low speed) And I had a used car in mind and was looking at it today, he asked where, when was I test driving it, and what type car..was it reliable etcI told him.. thinking it was innocent conversation.I’m a super independant single person and am used to doing things myself and dealing with all types of people, including used car salesman! I’m quieter but no pushover and am no fool.So..When I went to test drive the car today, and then buy it (my money, a bank loan) the young used car salesman told me my father had called early this week and spoken to him about the car and “not to tell me”!!!I was mortified and very embarassed he would do this behind my back and apologised.the young sales guy was ok with it and seemed like an ok sales person. He was ok to deal with.BUT..my father’s (he’s 75) phone call made me look like a stupid middle aged female who cannot deal with this herself!I am furious at my father!!Yes he may have meant well but it looked like I could not deal with the simple act of buying a car which Ive done alone and without interferance three times before!!Do I mention to my father next time he or my mother call thatthe sales guy told me and “gave him up?”He didnt want me to know..I am not “close” to family and do not ask anyone for help..I want to scream or speak firmly.. to him (which I do not do)Or do I let it go and say nothing to keep the peace?This will turn into my dad being defensive andmy mother getting upset..I am not a weak person, Ive been independant since age 20And an furious he “helped” and made me look foolish!!!
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 April 2019):
 I was gunna say “sure, firmly tell him: ‘I appreciate it, but please don’t do it again’.” However, you’re not 20 and trying to get out on your own. You KNOW how to handle yourself. You don’t NEED to learn how to do it independently. He wasn’t doing it because he thinks you’re incapable and nobody else would think you’re incapable after meeting you either.
Let it go and maybe find things he can do to “help” you. When you reach that stage of life, you can find yourself feeling a bit lost - especially regarding your children not needing you any more and only contacting you every other month, seeing you once or twice per year.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2019): You are LUCKY to still have your father. Mine died on Sept. 11 of last year. Cherish him and understand that he wasn't doing this out of malice. He did it out of love. Maybe you're too super independent to see the kind and loving gestures of others? See it from his side. I'd give anything for my dad to be there helping me buy a car. In fact, he did. He was a car salesman and I appreciated everything he did for me!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 March 2019):
 I agree with Cindy,
Him calling and "trying" to make sure you didn't buy a lemon... Only makes him look like an old fool, a CARING old fool. I can honestly... see my OWN dad doing something as misguided as that. Out of love.
Don't be mad at your dad, it's useless and pointless. YES, I get that it made YOU feel like a child or incompetent woman... but the thing is... YOU get to decide in you are a child, if you are incompetent or if you are quite capable making your own decisions and purchases.
I'd say you ought to let it go. The old man just loves you and wants to be useful. Bet he is bored and feels old and useless. Maybe instead call and ask him some questions (even if you know the answers) put him to use (if you can find something for him to do) - by the by... I have put MY own dad (who is turning 75 this year) to work with the family tree (his side) to find me photos, names, dates, any anecdotal information etc. He's been pretty busy with that the last year or so. I think it makes him feel useful. He even recruited his two brothers in the searches. (one who is 70 and the other 65).
Forgive him for thinking he knows better. He is OF that generation of men who PRESUMES that his XY means that he automatically knows how to buy cars better than you with your XX.
Love him and let it go.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 March 2019):
 I suspect your father was genuinely (though misguidedly) thinking he was helping. I also suspect more than a small part of this is your father NEEDING to feel he still has a purpose in your life. If you tell him you know, and you tell him how annoyed/upset you are with him, it will make him feel more insignificant in your life than he does already and will (I suspect) hurt him deeply as I doubt he meant to upset or undermine you in any way. He was trying to protect you and help you and, while I totally get that you are independent and don't feel you need his help, perhaps HE need to believe you still need your dad.
In your shoes, I would either say nothing and pretend you don't know about it, or thank him for "helping" with your purchase. After all, it will not hurt you to pretend you are grateful, and will probably make an old man's day to think he can still protect his "little girl".
If you find this sort of "interference" unacceptable, then you will just have to watch what you tell him in future so he cannot "help" you again. I do think that would be a shame though. There was no malicious intent here, just an old guy needing to feel needed. Have a heart and don't scold him for his "help".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 March 2019):
 Naaah- your dad did not make you look like a stupid middle- aged female who can't deal with stuff on her own. If there's anyone who might have looked slightly foolish in this, it 's your father ,not you, with the scheming and the
" secret " phone call. But not even that, really. Simply, your father is an older gentleman with plenty of time on his hands,the tendency, typical of his age, to make a fuss about anything new and unexpected like the purchase of a new vehicle, a tad of overprotectiveness toward a single female daughter , and maybe the wish of feeling useful and helpful, still good for helping out a daughter even at his age.
A bit meddlesome ? You bet. But- that's older parents for you :). I've heard of worse than what your dad did.
Even if the car dealer had thought that he got that call because you were incompetent to buy a car on your own- then that impression has been promptly dispelled as soon as he saw you and realized that you are no fool and no pushover, and you can handle your business very well. You are just a lady " blessed " with an interfering, overprotective, old dad- and that's surely not your fault, I don't even see what you had to apologize for to the car dealer !
In conclusion; yeah, that was annoying, maybe, but do not make it a bigger deal than it is. Nothing bad happened, and, as you say yourself, intentions do count. I think that your father wanted sort of " protect " you from being possibly taken adavantage by the car dealer, and , although this was unnecessary, is also kind of sweet.And also, subconsciously, was this an attempt to get closer to you, more involved in your life ,since you seem to give your parents rather a wide berth ?
As for confronting your dad or not- well, my instinct would be to tell you to let it go, with older people it is like with children, you've got to use more patience,tolerance and flexibility than with your age peers, unless you want to live in a constant state of war. Then again, you seem extremely upset by this episode and keeping your feelings bottled could, I think, make them fester and sour to dangerous levels.
So, call your dad out on this , but as nicely as possible; only after you have cooled down, so that he does not have to feel defensive. Actually, you can't even
" scold " him for having called the car dealer, your dad has the right to call whomever he wants , but it was not nice of him asking the car dealer to keep his call secret to you. So, THANK him for his concern, but ask him to never hide his concerns from you in future. Tell him that if he had doubts about your purchase or wanted more info about this car , or wanted to discuss anything about this transaction- he could have asked YOU, and he CAN , in future, ask you directly whatever he wants to know about your life and decisions, and you'll try your best to keep him informed and updated.
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