A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know how I feel anymore, my head is all over the place and I'm so mixed up. I've been with my boyfriend for 8years. When we first met things moved very fast and I knew i loved him very early on. We had what I thought was the perfect relationship however a few months into our relationship I found out he'd cheated on me several times, he denied it until he couldn't lie about the evidence...the other woman screenshotted messages between the two of them. She then told me of the cheating when he refused to leave me and said she hoped I'd leave him so he had noone. At the time I hated her and i was devasted i was heartbroken. within a few days he'd worked his way back in with me buying me flowers, I got the whole sob story and promises of never hurting me again etc. Since that we've moved on and I forgave him. He resuses to talk about it and said it should stay in past, I agree it's bound and it is the past and I chose to forgive him but still over 7years on it hurts and I find myself still not fully trusting him. I feel guilty I looked at his phone but I found messages between him and his ex, nothing sexual but they'd arranged to meet for a drink..I don't know why he messaged her and I can't stop thinking about it. Am I overreacting and it's me in wrong for looking at phone I know I shouldn't of done. As far as I know they haven't met up. Also recently we had a very bad patch and we were arguing a lot and he has very short temper and smashed a vase and threw my phone at wall. He was getting drunk and staying out all night. He was always very apologetic after but I got tired if this behaviour and I know he has a stressful job but I feel sometimes like his emotional punch bag. Things got so bad I ended the relationship but he talked me back round and promised he wouldn't take me for granted and begged me not to end it and said he couldn't live without me. Since this he said it was wake up call and he's been the perfect partner, house is always spotless (he used to be super messy), he's not stayed out all night, he's taken me out and booked dinners out and sends me texts saying how much be loves me etc. So I feel we are back on track and he's talking about settling down with me but why aren't I feel super happy about this? I don't know what I feel. Surely I should be happy. It's what I always wanted I wanted so much to marry him and have children with him, I was so in love with him and hes been the perfect boyfriend the past month. I know I still love him now and I care about him very much. He talks about proposing soon but why am I confused if I'd say yes.
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cheated on me, drunk, flowers, heartbroken, his ex, text, violent Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (16 April 2019):
 Sounds like he is about to learn a painful leason.. The trust has been broken. You will feel like you want to check up on him all the time.. The point is he has made yoi feel like this by his cheating. He wants to forget about it and move on but it is allways there in your heart and in your mind. This is not your fault and im sorry you have had to feel this way.If he wanted to.meet his ex for a drink he should have told you about this. Cheating is not just sexual. Honesty and trust girlfriend. Nothing more. Nothing less.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (1 April 2019):
 Apologies without action means Jack shit! In other words the apologies are nothing more than to pacify the situation of him being a cheating, unable to self regulate his anger arsehole. You don't feel happy because your subconscious head is talking to you rather than your emotional heart. You have provided your own example in your post by stating "I WAS so in love with him"and now your not, you love him. I love chocolate but don't need it in my life. Unless he has kids with his ex or another legitimate reason to be in contact with her why should you be trusting someone who has proven, not by maning up either rather being caught out, he can't be? 7 years, months, days, weeks or minutes since his cheating-so what, means jack shit too. He's moved on by burying his shameful head and wished it all away, you on the other hand have not been given the opportunity question and get the rightful answers you seek in order to process it. Another reason why this doesn't feel right and your not happy. Cheating leaves a scar on your heart so deep it never truely heals and forever wondering or living in a state of mis trust is a long term suffering. In moments of confusion we wish things into fruition rather than see it for what it is, that being he is a changed man. Is he, is he really? I think not, he's pulling out the moves he knows you love and want because he is afraid of loosing you, again all about him, over hurting you when old habits return.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2019): I think the reason for your confusion is doubt. You doubt him because he broke your trust and you know what he's done to you and you subconsciously think how he is now won't last and he will return back to how he was. I wouldn't trust a man who betrayed me so badly. You will never feel secure and certain
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 March 2019):
 What happens when you have kids and he decides to lose his temper again? Put you in the hospital? Or if you are pregnant and he hits you? Or 6 feet under?
IS that what you want for your CHILDREN to grow up around? Violence? Abuse? because he promised he's NEVER do it again, right? HE CAN'T make that promise.
You aren't HAPPY because (not so) deep down you know to FEAR him, you know you can't trust him any further than you can toss him. And no matter how much you LIE to yourself - you CAN NOT undo the past and neither can he.
He can't make you happy because you KNOW what he is. You WANT a marriage and family SO desperately you are willing to suffer the consequences of a man you can't trust. Cheating is LEAST of it.
You might not be ready to ACCEPT the truth, but I think you are WELL aware of it, or you wouldn't have written this post asking what's up. YOU know what's up.
How long do you think he is going to keep up this PRETENSE "perfect BF" charade?
One months of "good behavior" doesn't make up for cheating on you and for being violent... and you know it.
Unfortunately, I think all us "aunts and uncles" are wasting our time answering you trying to help... Because you rather believe that he ACTUALLY changed than accept reality.
I hope you stay safe and start using some common sense.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 March 2019):
 Well, good on him for being the "perfect boyfriend" for a whole month! Whoopee do! How much longer do you think he can keep up this act before he slips back to what he was before?
Of course you are mixed up. This is what you always wanted him to be and he knows it, which is why he is playing the game. Sadly you also know this is not real. This is an act. Yes, he can keep it up for a while - ANYONE can - but it will not last and, at the back of your mind, you must know that, a bit further down the line, he will revert back to his true self, because that is who he really is, not this wonderful man he is pretending to be.
I cannot stress enough how important it is to trust your gut instinct. It is screaming out at you to be careful. You need to listen because, my bet is that he will propose real soon, before the mask slips, while you are still half believing he has really changed.
I can understand how difficult it must be to walk away after all this time, leaving not only him but all your dreams of a shared future behind. However, unless you want to become his punch bag, or need to leave at some point further down the line because you are fed up with the cheating, lying and emotional abuse - possibly with a child or multiple children in tow - then you need to be strong and get out now while it is still easier. Just tell him the damage has been done and you cannot get over it (which is true). You know you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (31 March 2019):
 Because you know deep down he’s a shitbag?
He gets aggressively drunk, he’s cheated multiple times and he’s violent. Doesn’t really sound like much of a catch to me. He’s managed to win you back around with a few dinners and tidying the house?
I’d say get out whilst you still can. Who knows when the next lashing out is coming and next time it might not be your phone being smashed against the wall. Leave immediately.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (30 March 2019):
 OP, I want you to sit down and read your post as if it had been written by your daughter, your sister, your best friend..or any female that you care about. What kind of advice would you give them?? THINK THAT OVER VERY CAREFULLY.
I bet you would tell them to leave, wouldn't you? Lets say you would. So you would tell them to get out but yet you won't leave him? WHY???
Of course you are unhappy! Why would you be happy?? He lied, he cheated, he drinks, he is violent and he's been good for a month??? COME ON..darling..wake up and smell the coffee.
He will not stay good. The outbursts will start again and they may even escalate to the point where he is smashing YOU.
I know..I lived that life. He obviously has a temper, can't control. I have been married both to a physically abusive man ( he didn't drink just had a quick temper) and I was married to an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive. Let me tell you right now..get out. Emotional abuse often turns into physical abuse. You aren't happy for a reason OP! Don't ignore what you are thinking and feeling. You WILL NOT be happy with this man and part of you knows it.
Please take care of yourself. Get out before he turns his anger on you. He of course sweet talked you and won you back but trust me, his goody goody act will not last. Again...GET OUT. I can't stress this enough. Take it from someone who has been there, done that and learned how to love myself enough to walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2019): Anonymous female is absolutely right. I'll ditto everything she has said. You're not happy because you know deep down he will repeat this behavior again. I mean really, he is already texting his ex and has met her for a drink? Without mentioning it to you? You're not overreacting, if anything you are underreacting.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 March 2019):
 He’s an abusive cheater. You’ll never be happy with him and nobody else will be happy with him either, while he’s a violent jerk. Leave. “Back on track” is only temporary.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2019): Ok so your man is a drunk he cheats and you do not trust him at all.oh I almost forgot by throwing the vase and your phone he is also physically abusive.Which we all know in time will escalate into hitting you it always does.So answer me this why are you even still with this jerk.Has he killed your self esteem and respect for yourself this much?WOW.Girl you need to leave him like yesterday.Get to therapy so you can learn why you stay with such a loser.You know you can do so much better.You deserve a man who does not cheat or abuse you and who is not a drunk.Start respecting yourself by dumping the loser.But be careful when you leave abusers always get nasty then.Call a woman's shelter and get advice on how to leave a abuser and stay safe.You might think this step is not needed but abusers get nasty when you try to leave.You might think he is not an abuser but he is.Everyone out there please respond to this lw and tell her I am right.she cannot see the truth about him even when it is there in her own words.
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