A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just need some help, and it might be long but i hope someone will have time to read. i am a 19 year old girl, still living with my parents. Through my early teens i was very depressed and often had suicidal thoughts, which led to me attending a counciling session. anyway, everything has been fine, until now. my dad - i love him, he is special to me and i nearly lost him, but his pushing me is driving me to the brink. i share a car with him, if i piss him off in anyway he takes the keys off me. he phoned me and said put water in the freezer plz, i got mum to do it as i was in the shower, next thing he comes in and says if it's not in the freezer i will never drive the car again, then i say i am going to get my own car so he can't take it off me and he says i am ungrateful. he has pushed me to do nursing and move to australia, recently i had thought about going into teaching. he took a huff and told me to 'do what the fuck u want' now tonight.. my best friend of 17 years' brother has been taken into hospital, she phones me screaming, and i say i will be there to help, i go to walk out and he grabs the keys off me and tells me i'm goin no where. then i tried to explain that if i had a brother and this had happened i would like to think that joanne would be there for me too, and he told me to shut my stupid fucking mouth. I am trying to be brief about it all as dont want to take up too much time. i feel like a dark cloud has decended over me, and i just CANT listen to him degrading me or making me out to be stupid any longer when everything i have done has been for him!! this may sound silly but as i said, there's plenty more and he's always bringing me down, talking to me like a child, calling me stupid, taking the car off me, but i don't want to go into all that detail. any advice please?
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female
reader, lisa12jacob  +, writes (8 June 2009):
Hi I'm 38 yrs. old and living with my common law husband, have a 17 yr old son.My parents don't think i have done anything in my life to make them happy or proud. I don't have my gr.12, not married,had my son when i was 21, don't go to church either. So by me not doing any of this my parents don't feel proud of me, don't feel happy of the way I'm living my life and feel like they have had no fruits in raising me. If i was going to church, married and had my gr. 12 they would be proud of me, feels like they had fruits in raising me and be happy with me. My mother says very hurtful things to me.If I'm not living the life they want me to so there upset and mad
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): HiI am sorry to hear what you are experiencing! i use this word EXPERIENCING because i want you t knw that YOU are not the reason for his insults and bad behavour. If you can try and keep detached and remember that YOU ARE NT BAD even though he may be telling you this all the time. We tend to trust and believe the people that are closest to us, but sadly they are often the nes that are hurting us ( even though he may not realise what damage he is doing. I would seriously consider getting a flat as quick as possible before your self esteem goes...keep your distance speak to him over the phone, use the bus dont get caught up in sharing a car ts not worth it. If you get some independence you will feel your self esteem grow....never ever allow yourself to stay in a situation that is damaging you ,no matter who it is. Have you gone t university can you go and live in the halls of residence?also the universities have great welfare advisors who will listen and support you. I am NOT BLAMING your father entirely and suggesting that you totaly cut ties....YOU NEED TO BE INDEPENDANT FROM HIM....WHEN YOU GET EMOTIONALLY STRONG AGAIN YOU CAN THEN TRY AND REPAIR YOUR RELATIONSHIP ( BUT BARE IN MIND THIS DOES NT ALWAYS WORK AND YOU MAY HAVE T STAY AWAY) BUT IF HE IS CONSTANTLY DRAGGING YOU DOWN....YOU WILL GET WEAKERIF YOU STAY AROUND HIM...HAS HE GOT DEPRESSION PROBLEMS? ALCOHOL ETC? THIS COULD BE WHY HE TREATS YOU THIS WAY....BUT HE CAN ONLY SORT THIS OUT AND YOU MUST SRT YOU OUT..and i do knw a young lady should not feel so bad about herself and should not feel like a dark cloud is over her....come out of the dark....and hopefully yor father will eventually find the light too....this is your way of helping both of you. good luck...never beleivethe bad words...never turn love t hate....try and understand with compassion and if he speaks to you like a child then go for adult independance....excuse my spelling....it's a little late..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): thank you everyone. everyone knows what he is like with me, i talk to my mum but she just tells me to be quiet, i hate how when i tell her i will move out because of it, she just makes it out like 'yea right' i don't get on with her either, we fight constant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Your father is being very controlling possibly out of fear or love or his own emotional issues. His actions are abusive and over powering and you cannot tolerate this clearly - I don't blame you. I think you need to consider the following. Firstly - have a contingency plan to move out. Can you house share with a friend? Can you go into further education here - as far away from this situation as you can? Can you get a job to help you become financially independent and possibly have your own transport? All these things are possible if YOU want them enough. Secondly - you need to stand up to this man and tell him you know he cares but you find his actions abusive and controlling and you are an adult and will leave if it continues any further. Give him a timescale by which you want the situation to change. Have the contingency ready in case he does not. Its called tough love and to save your own sanity and make the important transition from his 'child' to the adult you already are it needs happen immediately.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Tried talking to your mum, an aunt, or an uncle about your dad's behavior?
Is acting this way new in your dad? Is he mean to just you or everyone? Depression can run in families, and he may be in need of professional help.
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A
male
reader, saltwater +, writes (11 July 2008):
 Hi...
Have you tried just simply talking to your dad? Maybe there is something happening in *his* life that is affecting him which results in him treating you the way he is; or maybe he just doesn't even realise the grief he is causing you.
You sound like a normal, caring girl so the issue is clearly your dad. It sounds obvious, but just try talking to him first. You are 19, you're not a child anymore so you have every right to stand up to your dad to discuss issues.
Like the first poster, I'm sure you have relatives that care for you and that you can talk too and who could help. No-one knows family better than family.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, cute angel  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 well babe i beleive u just talk to ur dad..put ur point across him..you are 19 years old and u definitely have the right to make your own decisions and choose the course of your choice..u love ur dad,u respect him thats good but he cant take over your life,u have the right to live it your own way..talk to your relatives if u have any one around to explain to your dad how all this is affecting you!!!
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