A
female
age
51-59,
*ew age mom
writes:I have 3 sisters, all of us moms. I have 1 son who is 19 and still lives at home. Ever since the time he was born my family has criticized my parenting skills. My family all live in a small canadian town, my husband and I move to california before my son was born. Every year when we visit they make comments about our life style and "my out of control son". My son is a good kid, he was a grade A student, is in college, plays sports and is a sweet boy. My husband and I have a VERY open relationship with him. we have always been open and try to not be judgemental when he comes to us for advice. We know that he drinks and goes to parties, we don't encourage this behavior but I would rather be open minded when he tells us he is going to a friends party then have him sneaking behind our backs. He know the rules and know that how to act. When he got a tatoo they acted like he was a wild man.I have always been open and discussed safe sex with him and his gf. to me pretending they dont have sex is stupid I would rather them be safe then not. Again I dont encourage him to have a sexual relationship but I accept the fact that he does. While on vaction over easter my sister made a comment that I allowed my son who is 19 and his 17 yr old gf share a room. She has a 17 yr old daughter that she has never had one safe sex talk with,. she thinks that giving such talks is giving them permission to have sex. My sons gf lives with her father and 2 brothers so when they got together both of them came to me about birth control since she thought going to her father would be uncomfortable. I was happy that they felt safe enough to come to me, in my opinion they took the mature step and were onlly trying to protect themselves. My sister on the other hand thinks I did a horrible thing by explaining all the method and setting up an appointment for her. I am not trying to be my osns best friedn jusy a smart parent. Do you think my parenting skills are wrong.
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female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (11 April 2010):
Dear New Age Mom - go take your hubby in your arms and give him a tight hug and kiss and tell him: thank God we love our son enough to trust him, believe in him and thank God we have enough sense to talk openly and honestly with him. I wish there were more parents like you who has been adult enough to recognise that when it comes to sex the kids would do it anyway if they want to. Yes being a responsible parent means loving them enough to give them choices and showing them what responsibility means. However only you would know whether there is too much of freedom and when to take on the ' I am the mother, so you will lsiten to what I have to say" line. Sometimes our best intentions get messed up but as long as we learn from it, parent when we need and have to. Instead of comparing the sisters concept of parenting let your son be the shining example of what is being done right. Yes we can be conservative, but does conservatism mean backward ?? No, it is our own internal prejudices that make us behavein the manner that we do. Also try not to seem like you are judging your sisters conservative stance. She may feel that you are judging her and her beliefs. As long as "chastising" is done in a loving but firm manner, done with respect too then you all are in the right track. Different strokes for different folks. We are 5 sisters, perhaps trying to strike a balance. The oldest gave her son enough rope to hang him. Was she an irresponsible parent. No, it only means that perhaps she did not know any better and she tried to be ultra liberal bt the son took advantage of this, started calling the shots and well ended up dictating to the parents. In the end the son was parenting the parents. So dear OP, you know what works in your home. I think your son will not abuse his privileges but please ensure that you are the parent and that you still have the ability to dictate the rights and wrongs permitted in your household. You are a good parent, this is from another good parent, or trying to be one!
A
female
reader, empop +, writes (11 April 2010):
Man, if I had a 19 year old son, I'd be more upset if he wasn't having sex.
Life can be boring enough, if no one's getting hurt, a little excitement sometimes is okay.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (11 April 2010):
 From the perspective of a child: As the recipient of ZERO sex talks with my parents and having to find out what it was through health class, I was very resentful of my family for NOT telling me how sex works, and what my parents wanted or expected of me..they just had a don't ask don't tell kind of laissez faire policy, and although I did generally make the smarter decisions for myself in the sex department, I do wish I had a confidante at the time ...would have saved me a lot of grief from UTIs and one pregnancy scare (which, incidentally, was the first time i had sex..a fun "is that your or my fluid" investigation. downer.). sex, for people who are new to it, is obviously uncharted territory, and it's helpful to have some kind of a guide post or lighthouse every once in a while, especially because it complicates the relationship, makes it sometimes more difficult to process, and i know for me, BECAUSE the topic was so taboo in my upbringing, I had a difficult time communicating with my partner about sex for a long time. so i think that as embarassed as all parties can be by the discussion, it is a necessary and RESPONSIBLE thing to make sure your kids are making informed and ALSO responsible decisions with their bodies.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 No you are a good parent. You don't have to discuss your son's private life with your sister. Your son does not have to flaunt his tatoo in front of your family. Cover it up with long sleeves. Never doubt yourself. Your parenting style suits your personality. Your son doesn't have to go to church every Sunday but ask him to act more conservatively when he sees his aunties, uncles, and grand parents. It's just so that people will keep their mouths shut.
As for your son's girlfriend, since she's 17 I would educate her about birth control but the decision is still up to her. I am wary of the side effects of it and because she is so young. It's better for your son to wear condoms.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 I raised 2 boys, both now married and parents themselves, I like your attitude, it is much more sensible than your sister who hasnt had any of those awkward discussions with her 17 year old, just keep doing what you are doing. Sounds to me you are on the right track.
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A
male
reader, Starmonster888  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 I think you live u to your username. You have a morden and unorthadox perspective on, not only parenting, but life. Whilst other parents decide to omitt the fact that kids have sex ,amongst other things, you choose to comprimise with a sitution that isn't ideal and make it reasonably practical. In other words, you are my defenition of an perfect mum.Hell, if my mother knew HALF the stuff my ass is up to, i'd be homeless right now, but you've created an atmosphere where your son is even compfortable enough to bring his girl to you! You're awesome.
But, we also have to consider that your family sees things more traditionally, and they won't necessarily look at your methods as successful because, in their eyes, comprimise is a sign of bad parenting. What mom says goes is their motto(even though it usually doesn't work).
She hasn't given the sex talk to her daughter and you find this stupid right? Thats what she thinks about your methods. You just have to understand her point of view and she has to yours. If not, then agree to disagree.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2010): To be honest, this was coming up either way.
Let the boy live his life, but don't let it get outa hand.
In my opinion, u have good parenting skillz, with a z :P
Ur family talks just because they wanna talk.
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