A
male
age
30-35,
*ntwone fisher
writes:I PAY for everything. My whole family are on the take and I’m sick of supporting every loser I’m related to.My parents say that it’s my duty to make sure that everyone is OK and it’s our culture. But when will it end?I’m 20, i go university in london and i work part time at a fast food outlet. i come from a muslim family. my problem is that i am currently giving cash to my parents, two cousins and my useless brothers. My parents say that this is what we do. Other relatives helped them when they first arrived in the UK, but that was 26 years ago. I understand the fact that my parents spent alot of money raising me up and how they struggled to feed their kids (6 in totals, 1 daughter 5 sons).My girlfriend goes nuts when I explain to her that I’m broke. She understand this money-sharing principle but doesnt realise why i do it. I earn less than average (£240 in a month) from my job, but i never see any of it.She says that i shouldn't give them money easily and that i should tell them 'im skint' even though i have money so that they just stop asking for it.But we can’t do anything as long as my grasping siblings are dragging me down. I’m scared that my financial commitments are going to drive her away.The worst culprit is my my mum. when my brother decided to buy a house, my mum said to him that she can help with the money. she withdrew cash on her credit cards (4 in total) and store card (5/6 in total). credit card company started ringing asking for payments and my dearest mother turned to me to pay off her bills even though i have no stake in the house. i did mention that it should be my brother because he is benefitting whilst im not. It’s only because I love my family so much that I can even tolerate this. Then there are my cousins – Laurel and Hardy, I call them – cant hold down a job for a year and now they want to go into the car cleaning business. They haven’t got a brain cell between them, yet I’m bankrolling their efforts.I’d love to tell my parents that I’m out, that I simply want to be my own man from now on. But how do I do that without them being deeply embarrassed – or even disowning me? It’s really not as simple as my girlfriend thinks it is.
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cousin, money, muslim, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, antwone fisher +, writes (1 June 2010):
antwone fisher is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlol @Q, i dont have a modem. so i use usb internet, cheaper and faster.
A
male
reader, antwone fisher +, writes (31 May 2010):
antwone fisher is verified as being by the original poster of the question@ask older sister: i pay for my own internet as i use a usb dongle internet which i pay for myself, i do pay for the mortgage sometimes aswell as bills, i get the 'groceries' twice a month, i paid for my computer, i pay for my computer insurance, FYI: in the UK we dont have medical insurance,
i dont own a car, i take public transport, student loans pays for tuition and books.
with that cleared i must say thanks for the reply.
i had to recently extend my overdraft limit because i was going above it. From £500 i took it to £2000. I started working sinse i was 16, i've always put aside £10 or £50 from every wage slip in my savings account. i've emptied all my savings supporting my family.
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1  +, writes (31 May 2010):
I know it's not easy for you! you either continue taking care of them are they basicly disown you? and i think that is what's bothering you the most. are you would have stopped it a long time ago! all i can say is you do what is best for you and what you want out of life! what are they going to do if and when you get married share the same bed w/ you and you're husband. they need to take care of them selve's.
GOOD LUCK!
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (31 May 2010):
 That has nothing to do with your culture. You need to focus on yourself even though it sounds harsh they have to learn to support themselves and you need to have your own life. Its sad that your family would use you like that but it happens. With the amount you're paying you'd be better off finding your own place away from them. I beleive it is right to support your parents but not your siblings and extended family. If your parents have to give all their money away then you'll have to make the tough decsion whether to stick around or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): i know the feeling of family "using' me. i am known to pay my sisters rent from time o time /or just to give her 'some' money to get by. my brother has "borrowed" thousands from me always promising to pay me back. i always try to buy my sisters and nieces and nephews clothing or give them spending. the list goes on and on.
why do i always do this? perhaps because i feel guilty that i have and they don't. and what do I have? the credit card, the overdraft facility , the retail accounts and the pain of figuring out how to pay this at the end of the month.
but there is light at the end of the tunnel. i have decided to become smart. i have now decided to STOP being the cash cow and i too will plead poverty. I love my family but i am tired of always coughing up when everone else claims to be cash strapped.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (30 May 2010):
 No one can take advantage of you without your consent. They are taking advantage of you. Frankly you'd be far, far better off if they did disown you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): i completely understand because i am from an indian family and even tho we are modernised and westernised, this is the way of our family. we carry those that are weaker then ourselves.
i don't know if i have advise to give you because i am in a similar situation.
my father passed away last year and i am the only one who knew how he ran his business so i am running his business and with the global recession business has been quiet. i wanted to leave south africa and experience europe while im still young. but i know my responsibilities are to look after the business and take care of the family-even though i have my own dreams to follow. on the other hand, even though business is quiet i do not want to let go of my fathers legacy, his business took care of all of us and a lot of our extended family (cousins, aunties and uncles).
this is tough. our responsibilities and the expectations that our family holds us to. and like you said... i love my family so much...i will always put them in front of myself. this is how we were brought up.
all i can say is i understand the predicament that you are in. your girlfriend means well but doesnt understand the situation.
having said that, and knowing what you are going through, as tough as it is, your family need to know that you will always be there for them but you have to draw a line because you have your own life to lead and if something happened to you they have to stand on their own.
so i think you can still pay for certain things for your family to show respect to them but make it clear that you will be keeping a certain portion of the money you earn for yourself to build your future and also to reward yourself for your hard work.
you really need to talk to them .i know its hard. but this is too much stress for someone as young as you are.
always show respect but stand your ground. i know the guilt our families put us through. make it clear you love them but they are draining you and you cant handle it. im sure they love you very much and want the best for you and if you are still studying, you should be concentrating on your studies so you can get a better job and provide more for yourself and, of course, your family. you should not be financially stressed at this age.
as for your lazy family members, they gotta get off their butts and take responsibility even if its at macdonalds or wherever, if they have arms and legs, they can get up and get going. you cant look after them your whole life so they need to start taking care of themselves now.
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A
female
reader, mazZz +, writes (30 May 2010):
that is not what is in your culture, explain to them that most muslim parents actually support their children financially whilst their at uni etc, whilst what your gf recommended makes sense, but if they findout later on that youve been lying they are going to be very upset, talk to them and explain to them that you have your own costs to, coz your at uni etc. you gotta pay for books and stuff, eating, travel and general expenses really. do contribute and help, but dont go out of your way to do that...
Speak to your brother what kind of son is he, his mum went out of her way to help him, and now she needs help its his duty to help her out, no matter how little he contributes, as for your cousins you dont have no responsibility towards them, its every man for himself now a days they wont be giving anything back to you thats for sure
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (30 May 2010):
it really is as simply as your girlfriend thinks it is. You are not the sole provider for your family. Your family should work and support themselves and there is no way you should be paying for your cousin.
You have your own life to live so go live it. Your family should never have put all of this resposibility of you and if they disown you after everything you have done then they should be ashamed of themselves.
it is your mums fault she took out those cards so she should pay for them.
if you quit work who would pay for you? if you run up debt who else would pay it of?
stop it now and start leading your own life with your girlfriend and make them learn to live on their own two feet.
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