A
male
age
51-59,
*ootleg12
writes:Dear Cupid,I have been married now for 9 years and I'm not happy with the intimacy in my marriage. I feel my wife is being very resistant to improving our relationship. Our relationship was passionate and giving, on both sides. Even after a few years of marriage, things were still good, up until 2005 when I deployed to Iraq. We noticed the issues, talked about them and worked on it but really nothing changed. Admittingly I had changed and was truly focused on my career; and family just had to deal. In 2006 My wife confronted me about not supporting her and not being a good husband/father(too focused on work). Instantly I changed. I read books, went to seminars, talked to counselors , and more importantly I made work a lower priority; anything to improve the situation. I made it my priority to be a good husband and father. So since then, I've been working to ensure she gets personal time, I spend time with my kids, she gets to spend time away from the house to get away and do things she wants to, making sure she's happy (as I read someplace that a happy wife is a loving wife). I am a better man today and closer to my family than ever. But all of those efforts have created a sibling-like friendship between my wife and I. Not that I'm counting but in the past 3 years we have made love once. I have tried lots of things to rekindle that spark but nothing has worked. She avoids talking about intimacy (notice I didn't say sex as this is about more than that). I have tried approaching the subject by letters, cards, flowers, messages, subtle talking, direct talking, etc. I recommend a date night and she says " its to hard to do, we need a babysitter, the places I want to go to are to far, and in the end you want sex, so no thanks". I've tried. I just think she doesnt want to nurture our marriage. I'm not ready to divorce over this but this can't continue. She won't even talk about it. Funny thing is she can comment and give advice to friends going through the same, but doesn't acknowledge our issue. Any help or advice you can give would be appreciated. Thanks. Lonely married military guy.
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male
reader, atomsmasher +, writes (9 June 2010):
let me tell you what i did. i started hitting on my wife's prettiest friend, then her other friends started hitting on me. my wife felt the heat and started demanding sex. she was very aggressive during the sex, like i've never seen her. it drew up passion.so, that's the sex part. the sibling part is a different story. I know you feel like you've changed, and you have proof, but the problem is simple: YOUR WIFE IS NOT A RATIONAL PERSON. in fact, NO WOMAN IS RATIONAL. You can't 'prove' shit to them. They'll instantly get insecure and defensive, not because they are bitches, but because that is how they are cut.Besides, she'll probably resent the fact that you expect something in return for your efforts. After all, she used to be hot shit in your eyes (when you'd do anything for it), and now she feels like you aren't attracted to her. She doesn't feel like a woman at all.So, instead of resenting her for resenting you, I'm gonna have you try something else. The next time you guys talk and you hear yourself talking, STOP! You are boring and she doesn't want anymore of your daily complaining. She doesn't care how your day went. She's too busy dying to tell you how her day went. She has her own complaints to register.So, now that you aren't talking anymore and she's doing all the talking (just like your first dates, remember?) you guys are nearing ground she feels comfortable with, so now you hit her with the double whammy: LISTEN.Don't interrupt her, don't prejudge anything she has to say. Stop being a dick and just listen to her. Whatever she says. Nod your head and take it in. Chew on it, and you begin to realize, shit man, I've never listened to a single thing this girl says. Shit man, no wonder why she isn't making an effort. And, again you begin to change your behavior.Moral of the story: Get used to it. One person always has to do the changing, and that usually ends up being the person with the most emotional maturity. Hopefully, you'll begin to see this as a positive you bring to the table instead of a negative she beats you down with.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (7 June 2010):
 You are in the military so I'm sure you can find
some marraige councelors to help you work
through the issues. Marraige is hard work and
being deployed put another amount of
stress. Lack of sex is always an indicator
of problems in a marraige. I would first ask
her point blank if she still loves you or if she
is in love with another man. The truth might
hurt but you have to get to the bottom of it.
Marraige is a partnership and you cannot do this
without her. Open up and tell her how you
feel. Women feel connected when we are being
understood and appreciated.
Maybe in your eyes you tried everything
you could, but I've worked around Marines/military
to know that you are trained to hide or confrol
your emotions. Maybe all she wants from you
is to just hold her and tell her how you feel.
From the heart. Best of luck and thank you for
serving our country.
...............................
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