A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last semester I had asked one of my friends to become my roommate for this semester. However, so far it has not been a good start between us even though she believes its all good. I think the problem I have is that our friendship is not really a equal friendship. She expects me to do almost everything for her, or give her anything she needs. Such as she expects me to help her study or read to her when she sees me resting. And it also gets on my nerves when she complains everyday about school being hard, and being tired everyday( but she only has classes 3 days out of the week and I have classes everyday starting at 8am). She also seems to take my kindness for granted. For example, she asked for some milk and I told her I did not have any. When I was soon able to buy milk and I told her I had some, she was like can I have some cereal. That didn't really bother me wat did bother me was I was also expected to give some to her overnight guest(who stayed for two nights and i did not find out until late into the night, and who also had the room extremely hot because she felt cold). My roommate soon began to use my stuff without my permission such as my tv, my fridge, eating my food. All this came to a stop when she used my flat iron(without my permission of course) and for over an hour. The flat iron soon began to spark and caused the lights to go out, and she threw the flat iron into the sink. When the lights came on and I was looking for my flat iron, she laughed and was like that was your flat iron. It took her two days to finally apologize to me, and said she would buy me a new one. However, I was already given a new one, and she stilled owed me money for an ink cartridge. She apologized to me in a letter that stated she was sorry and I guess we need to respect each other's things and ask for it (though I rarely use her things). My problem is that she asks for things everyday now, whether I'm in class or in the room. I guess I'm asking if I am overreacting or do I have a right to be annoyed?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): She's treating you this way because you're allowing it. Plain and simple. Yes, she's a jerk, but people will treat us exactly and only how we allow them to treat us. Don't let her. You can kindly and firmly tell her no. And when you do, don't act sorry, don't look embarassed or she will know you don't mean it. Just firmly and confidently.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): I appreciate all of your answers, and I have decided to have a talk with her soon. She does have a fridge, and she also had a flatiron(she claimed she couldn't find it). And overnight guests dont happen frequently, but when our mutual friends ask to stay we allow them since it was snowing or they missed their bus. The thing that gets me though was if she had never broke my flat iron, would she have apologized and creaate the rule?? And idk why i read and help her study I guess its becasuse i feel bad because i dont have alot of homework or reading to do
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 January 2011):
 "Maddie, I need to talk to you about something that has been on my mind. We've been friends and now roommates for a while and there are things that are making the friendship weaken, due to how things are as roommates.
I like you, and I wanted to live with you, but I think we need to set some ground rules from now on.
I am feeling as though I am a supply cabinet for your needs. I am feeling used and disrespected because you use my stuff, break things, eat my food, basically treat yourself to my things. You didn't apologize for 2 days for breaking my flatiron AND you still owe me money for the cartridge.
This is making me angry and upset and I don't like that. I want to be your friend and feel good about living with you, but right now, I don't.
Things need to change around here and I think it would be helpful to set some ground rules. What do you think?
--
Then you have to listen to her and listen to her own observations and complaints about living with you. You might be leaving the water running and you leave massive puddles on the floor after you shower. You might leave stinky food in the fridge until it reeks. You will have to listen to the things that make her uncomfortable about you. Try not to get angry, try to listen and understand, just as you are trying to get her to listen and understand your point of view.
The key is to use "I feel..." or "it makes me feel..." language, not "You ALWAYS do..." or "you NEVER...". Try for neutral language, report what it is that is making you upset in as calm and patient a tone as possible. You're trying to fix the problem, and to do that, you want her to see your point of view.
Come up with a reasonable, shortish list of 'house rules' that you would like to see in place.
No eating the other's food, this rule applies to guests as well. All electronic items are off-limits. Stuff like that.
Alternatively, you could get a footlocker or trunk and put the stuff you don't want her to use in it and keep it padlocked. That should make the message pretty clear. It would make more sense to talk first, as you continue to be so unhappy and uncomfortable.
Hope this helps, good luck!
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A
male
reader, rouge +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Im in colage right now and i had a room do things similar and i told her the rules. She did not like it so i told her i would move out, when she said no i told her to move out then. When she did not budge i had the collage move her out. I am much happyer now. cheers ;)
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (26 January 2011):
 When I was in college, one thing I heard over and over again was that you never want to room with your friends! Now… it does appear that your roommate is somewhat immature and lacks respect for your belongings. This is not uncommon, but it can create much tension between the two of you.
First, does she have a refrigerator of her own? If not, do you let her use yours? Most roommates equally share certain things like a refrigerator and TV.
Second, how often does your roommate have guests stay overnight? It’s always best to let the other know you are expecting a guest well in advance, but sometimes that isn’t possible. If her friend was cold, I can understand turning the heat up a bit, but if it was making you extremely uncomfortable, you should have spoken up and kindly asked to turn it down just a little. Perhaps, your roommate could have offered her friend some warmer clothes. While this incident was a bit annoying for you… it’s not worth making a huge deal over it, unless it happens frequently.
As far as food is concerned… your friend should buy her own stuff. It is not your responsibility to feed her, or her friends! If she asks to have some of your food, say something like, “I will let you have some, as long as you buy me another jug of milk and carton of cereal by such and such date.” You need to set boundaries. Keep your food in a trunk or some closed cabinet of your own.
I think the most irritating incident was when your roommate destroyed your flatiron. I can’t believe it took her 2 days to apologize. That’s terrible. At the very least, she should have gone out and bought you a new one the next day! You need to figure out how much the flat iron and cartridge cost. Tell her you want to be reimbursed for these items by such and such date… and no later. You need to be assertive and set a timeline for her to follow through with her obligations.
Why on earth are you reading to her? This is crazy. Unless she has a disability that makes it difficult for her to read, you need to stop doing this! Next, she’ll be asking you to take her exams for her. You have a full load of courses of your own. Unless you are getting straight A’s, you should concentrate on your own studies, rather than hers.
Don’t let this girl take advantage of your kindness. She is not being a true friend… she’s using you. Set boundaries now. If you don’t have the will power to confront her face to face, then sit down and write her a letter… make a list of all the things you have told us about… and spell out the new rules. Stand up for yourself… you will be much happier in the long run.
Please let us know what you decide to do. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, RealGirlNextDoor  +, writes (26 January 2011):
You definatly have the right to be annoyed. Do not let people walk over you like that, friend or not she is taking advantage of you and this will not cease unless you put a stop to it yourself. Tell her that this can not be, she can use your stuff with YOUR permission and that if she uses something and it runs out you expect her to pay for a replacment. A friendship is based on trust and love and is a two way thing, neither can give everything to the other and not get anything in return, that is just selfish. If she doesn't understand you should seriously start thinking about ditching this so called "friend" of yours. It's sometimes best be alone than with bad company.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 January 2011):
 People are taken advantage of only because they allow it to happen. You need to talk to her and tell her it's hands off your stuff from now on. Just say no.
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