A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is my ex partner trying to play mind games? 2 months ago i broke up with my partner of 8 yrs as he can been verbally and physically abusive towards me. He accused me of giving him children he didnt want and ruining his life, i was also accused of being a control freak, I am not. He moved out and went to live with his friend until he got a flat sorted. We havent had much contact over the last 6 wks only when he has had the children and the atmosphere is somewhat frosty. He is going away tomorrow on a wk holiday and has started texting me to see if he can have a sleep over, i have told him this would be confusing for the kids and i dont want to upset them. He keeping suggesting that we make love etc and that i dont have to tell anyone. Why does he do this to me is it a case of wanting to regain some control within my life as he is scared of moving on and why does he not realise that having a on/off fling together is not providing surcurity for our kids. Why isnt he worried about how all this affects them ?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 If he accused you of having given him children that he never wanted, it makes sense that the wellbeing of above said children is very low in his list of priorities.
I think he does realize that having random hook ups with you does not provide security for the kids ... only, he could not care less.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 You've seen it here in several "replies"..... HE wants/needs some s*x.... and he suspects that you are vulnerable.... hence likely to acquiesce to his sordid preferences.....
The choice is yours; Put out and be his strumpet, or, refuse and keep your self-respect.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): Because he's horny and wants sex. It's not rocket science.
It's just a case of him being selfsih, nothing more. It's not because he's a sensitive soul who's afraid of moving on and thinks sex will somehow help.
The reason he isn't worried about how it will affect the kids is becasue, obviously he's far more concerned with putting himself and his needs first, before your kids.
Also if you're holding on to any hope that he cares for you and is going to change - don't. Surely what he's doing now suggests the opposite?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 March 2012):
 You took your children and yourself out of a bad situation by leaving an emotionally and physically abusive man.
He is horny and wants to use you as a handy penis holder.
Do you need to know WHY he is doing this in order to tell him no?
What does WHY he is doing this matter?
He does not care about you or the children only himself.
Just say NO
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 March 2012):
It beggars my belief to know that women far and wide and spanning many years will do absolutely anything to keep a man in their life for the sake of that one word 'LOVE'
Love when it is flowing both ways and there is mutual respect and proven trust is the epitome of desire and fulfillment. Love that is desperate and clinging to hope of a person who abuses, manipulates and controls us is the epitome of hell on earth...most women cannot tell the two apart.
I am trying not to judge you and I think you have set out a fair list of horrors and misdemeanours that this 'man' is doing to you. He is doing it because you have not yet told him to f*** the hell off and slammed the door in his face.
Write out that list you have written here and hang it on your wall. Go through each point and ask yourself honestly why you should put up with that s**t.
A man like that doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either (why?...because to him you are there to bring up his kids in his absence and he doesn't give a crap if you want to move on with your life).
He wants to use your bed like a public convienience and maybe bring back the odd STD on occasion. A man like that doesn't really want to think about or put his kids first or even consider what his abuse of you will do to them (why?...because men like this are incapable of extending their thoughts to anyone beyond themselves).
A man who wants to have sex with you to give him a boost before he goes away on a lovely holiday is really saying 'Don't you dare move on, because I might want to use you in future, but when I come back I probably won't want you anyway'
It sucks and is disgusting behaviour and I have seen and heard about it many many times from friends family and OP's on Dear Cupid over the years.
There is no hidden agenda to win you back. The man has shown his true nature by being abusive and even blaming the children on you???...what an arsehole!!!!
Really you need to just know that you will become a 'thing' to him, somewhere he can get a convienient and reliable shag and maybe a hot meal and a bed for the night. Hard to accept right???...but 100% true.
Do yourself a favour, change the locks, contact the CAB for child support information and tell him if he wants to see his kids then he must make suitable arrangements away from your home.
DO NOT LET HIM USE YOU.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012): He's not getting any and thinks you will be frustrated too, he THINKS hes making you an offer you can't refuse.Thats cos he's not thinking with his brain,he's thinking lower down..........
Its up to you what you do, but I would tell him your partnership is over in every sense.End of.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 March 2012):
 I would NOT sleep with him. Look at how you described him. Physically and emotionally abusive, WHY invite him back in YOUR life? I understand that as the dad he can see his kids but you do NOT have to hang out with him or have sex with him.
He sees you as a convenience, like a FWB just without really being friends.
Sorry, I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 March 2012):
 Heh, tell him no and that's the end of it. If you "ruined his life", why does he still want to sleep with you? And why has he been a partner of 8 years? Did he not realized that it takes sperm to fertilize an egg? If he didn't want kids, he should not have been having sex.
The whole "we can make love, but don't tell anyone"? Really? What a crock. This isn't about security for the kids. This is about his wanting to use you. Just tell him that 8 years is enough play time.
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A
male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 Maybe when he told you that you gave kids he doesn't want, he was telling the truth. It is an awful thing to say and feel and if he didn't want them in the first place, he shouldn't have done the deed.
But he has now and I'm sure they are beautiful kids being brought up by a wonderful mother. I cannot understand why the father doesn't feel anything for them and it is very upsetting for you I'm sure.
He obviously thinks you still have feelings for him and is trying to play on these to get something back in his life now that everything has been taken away. However, you mustn't go back to him and you definitely shouldn't have another physical relationship.
Your reasoning to protect the kids is a very honourable one but you must also reason it to protect you. You got very lucky, escaping an abusive relationship as no-one should ever be subject to that. You need to ignore any advances he tries to make on you and make it perfectly clear that the only thing left between you and him are the kids and that's it. Stay strong and move on. Hope this helps. Good luck
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