A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im good frinds with my ex. We are very close. We broke up 5 yrs ago, but during those 5 yrs we have been sleeping with each other. We talked about getting back together and trying for a baby....But I told him im not ready.He was ok with this...But now hes changed his mind. He wants to find someone who will have his child now, because he is approaching his late 30's. But he doesnt want a serious relationship with them. This person will just be the "baby mother".He said i will always be apart of his life permanently, but he wants a child with someone eho is ready now. Because im not ready, im holding him back. If im ready in 5 years he will come back to me and settle.??Im confused?!. He keep saying he can't see me having his kid now. So he wants to find a girl that will have a kid for him now. And he will give me a kid when im ready?I was upset and cried. I still have geelings for him. But feels like hes moving on. Changed his mind. Wants someone else. But cant say it.I helped keep a roof over his head, gave him rent money and paid finance on a bmw for him.This is what i get in return?
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broke up, money, my ex, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (23 November 2017):
he wants a child with "someone" but he has a problem keeping a roof over his own head, paying his rent and financing a BMW (!), tell him to get a life and start supporting himself.... Before he even thinks about children. It sounds like he wants to tie you down since he is getting everything he wants from you already, he wants the gravy train to continue. Stop sleeping with him and helping him financially and you will see his true colours.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 November 2017):
 OP, I'm glad you know you're not ready yet. Having a baby with someone who is already an ex or not committed to you is a bad idea, unless it's an official donor situation.
Babies need stability, not to be the product of a man just wanting to fertilise someone he doesn't care about. I'm hoping no woman will cave to it, though it sounds like he wouldn't be above sabotaging a condom to get what he wants!
Being FwBs with an ex is almost always a terrible idea too, so I wouldn't advise continuing it or repeating it in the future. Find someone who wants you, not someone who just wants sex with you until they find something "better" or who wants to use you as an incubator.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again to everyone on this page that has tried to help. I guess talking about this situation has helped heal me in so many ways and helped me see the light at the end of a dark tunnel.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 November 2017):
 OP, let the past go.
You made a choice and considering what happened it's not so strange that you chose NOT to have the child. Don't put the blame on you for HIS current and/or past behavior - you didn't MAKE him act like a dick back then. Don't OWN his actions. And don't let the past haunt you. Accept that you made a choice that you aren't/weren't happy with but that you nonetheless felt it was the right choice. And who knows maybe it was, at least for you.
You have grown since then, he doesn't seem to have.
Set yourself free. To live the life you want and to love & BE loved.
Chin up, OP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your help. I feel more confident to walk away.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (31 October 2017):
 They say that love is blind but it doesn't have to be. You are now starting to see him for what he is (and isn't). Want more for yourself that the little he is offering. Its ok to walk away and not look back. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. Not now and probably not ever. Move on and find someone who can offer you what you DESERVE. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts true. I kept hanging on and hoping. Another problem is that 2 years before we brpke up I fell pregnant.
This would have been my 1st child, but I didn't go through with it. He turned against me because his bestmate told him that myself and the guy dated 10 years previously.
My boyfriend at the time "now my ex", was mad and angry. And wanted nothing to do with the child.
I feel this incident damaged my life. And made way for his behaviour.
This would have been my 1st child.
Its all my fault.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2017):
You have already wasted 5 years NOT being in a relationship with him where you could potentially have found someone who does want to be with you.
I don't mean to be hard on you, and I get that we all get a bit blinded by love - but the reason you wrote your post was that you ALREADY knew things were messed up.
So TRUST your gut when it tells you, THIS isn't good. I deserve better, I deserve more. Because? You do. No need to settle for a dude like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer!. It woke me up. I couldnt see was blinded by love. Your answer has shown me the guy is a waste of time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2017):
Sorry OP,
This is not a gem of a man. This is a guy who is worried he won't leave a "legacy" in form of a child or children.
He doesn't GIVE a flying FART about you or the potential baby momma. He is just scared he won't spread his seeds.
If you are settling for an FWB and FINANCING this guy what are you REALLY getting out of this? That he MIGHT come back in 5 years to knock you up? Is he such a superior GENERIC rare specimen that you are actually considering that?
OP, He is not going to be the guy you want. He doesn't WANT you, he just wants to BANG you and put a baby in you so HE can have a child. He doesn't REGARD you higher than he would the "baby momma". Don't be naive here.
Having paid for his expenses doesn't entitle you to a relationship with him nor does it mean he cares deeper for you. It just means HE knew and knows how to get you to pay for stuff for him.
It doesn't sound like he is looking to start a family. He just wants to "sire" an offspring and he probably doesn't CARE too much about who the mother will be. Now PLENTY of women have done this in the past. Nothing new. BUT the thing is YOU have a choice to KEEP this guy in your life OR not.
Don't you WANT more for yourself? Seriously?
I'd wish him well in his breeding scheme and CUT him off, financially, emotionally and DEFINITELY physically. And then.... BLOCK and delete and MOVE on with a man who WANTS to be with you. Who WANTS a family with YOU. Not just some random fertile chick.
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A
female
reader, Aleisha-Jay +, writes (31 October 2017):
 When you have been with someone for a very long time it can be so difficult to let go and because you are still seeing him sexually, your spiritually connected. May sound crazy but your feelings will never change towards him until that changes. I have been in that situation time and time again with the same person and I've chosen to stick by him now and work things out for the long-hall. It sounds to me that you deserve much more but he isn't ready for the committment. How will he be able to commit to the responsibilities of having a baby when he doesn't want to settle down with the potential mother of his child.My advice to you is to either continue seeing him or leave him but do not put yourself in a situation you do not want to be in. No one can make that decision for you except you so stay strong and do whatever you feel is best.
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