A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, i'm in a situation i never thought i'd be and i need advice, because i can't talk about it with anyone..I'm in a longterm relationship (7 years). I love my partner, although i can't deny that our relationship is much of a rutine now. We live together, we have calm, steady relationship, but i feel that it lacks some sparks.. we have sex just one time in week, he doesn't need much of it, i'm the one who initiates it and wants to try new things, but he's conservative and it's ok with our sex rutine... It didn't bother me much until i met my new colleague few months ago..when we first met, it was instant, strong spark i've never felt before..and i could see he feels the same way from the intense looks in his eyes etc.. later we started to talk and become closer, but were just friends, although we both know how we want each other so much..the intense chemistry was so obvious, that even our colleagues and boss see it and made comments. I told him I was in a relationship, so he didn't pursue anything, but few weeks ago we both got drunk and we kissed. I'm not proud of it, but I must say it was the strongest chemistry i've ever felt and it was really beautiful..his touches were like lightning strikes..i really desired him and he did too but nothing more happened.I cut it off then, although he often write me how he wants me and so on.. and i'm afraid i won't be able to resist long.. I didn't told my bf i kissed the coworker (and i feel awful about it), but I don't want to lose him, because we have so many things in common (flat, dog, all friends..) and losing him, i would lose everything. But I really miss the spark and now I can't thing of anything else than my coworker, just thinking of me makes me so aroused. To be honest, i feel like he's my last chance to have good sex ever again. But I know it's so low to leave my partner just so I can have sex with someone.Have you any idea how to handle this situation? Thank you very much!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2017): Hello,
i'm author of the topic.
Thank you all for your answers, they really helped me to realise some things and how stupid i was..I realised I can't put my sexual desire in front of my relationship and that some things are more important. i hope..i cut things with coworker, we'll be in no contact anymore and i'm going to try to work on my current relationship.
thank you again!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2017):
 "To be honest, i feel like he's my last chance to have good sex ever again."
Look, in 7 years your sex life with this new guy would be even worse than the sex in your current relationship. A relationship with this new guy wouldn't ever actually happen either, as he's just lusting for you, and you are just lusting for him. All you want from one another is sex. So of course it's turning you on, and it can be hard to resist. But the good news is: you don't have to resist! You're not married or bound by a moral code to never have sex with anyone else ever again. You can CHOOSE to end your relationship and sleep around and have loads of new and interesting sexual encounters. Remember this. You staying with this one man for 7 years was not forced on you, it is a choice you've made. It's not a permanent choice, though. Each and every day, you have to choose to be with him.
When you kissed that other guy, you chose to not be with your boyfriend. You just haven't told him yet. You've actually already left. So I think he deserves to know this. And then, if you choose him and want to be with him still, you can be a couple again if he chooses you also.
Don't be naive and think that you will never be in this situation again. Don't be naive and think you can only stay faithful as long as you never find anyone else attractive and no one else ever makes a move on you again. That's not what faithfulness is, that is purely a lack of options. Faithfulness is having the options and choosing to stay in the relationship.
But as I said, you are free to go screw this new co-worker of yours and have fun in bed for the whole two-three weeks it will last. Then you can move on to the next interesting man who is fun in bed, if that's to your taste. Just be a decent person and end the relationship properly with your boyfriend first, and don't continue cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): This is what usually happens.You cross the line.The sex is fun. For awhile.Til he finds out. Or til the new flavor of the month dumps you. Why? You are a conquest. And he gets off on the challenge of trying to cross the finish line with you. Once he has satisfied his lustful cravings, he is going to go from fire hot to ice cold faster than you can blink. And you will feel like shit. Not only for letting him use you that way but for hurting your boyfriend for something and someone so insignificant.Even in the best case scenario, this guy is not going to want to be in a relationship with a woman who hooked up with him while in a serious relationship with another man.It has lose-lose-lose written all over it.In the end you will lose your own self respect, your boyfriend, this player (that's exactly what he IS) your job and your reputation.Worth it?Too many people never think about these things in the heat of the moment - the consequences - but once the deed is done (and you ask yourself what the hell was I thinking?) you are not going to be able to take back all the damage that has been done. But you will feel it. And pay for it for a long, long time.If something is missing in your relationship, talk to your BF. Work on fixing it together. If you can't, then part ways. Then start dating. Otherwise, if you stay with your BF and you both bury your heads in the sand about the state of your relationship, then you are going to be prone to cheating with any man that comes by whom you are attracted to in the future. Just a ticking time bomb.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 November 2017):
 OP you have already cheated on your partner off 7 years, and the only reasons you are not being honest with him are selfish ones. Most people would say they don't want to tell there partner because they don't want to hurt them but your reasons are you would loose everything. Please be honest with him, he deserves to know the truth and he deserves to be with a woman who will love him back and not cheat on him.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (2 November 2017):
 You have already cheated on your partner of 7 years and you know what transpired between you and your co-worker was wrong, yet you have denied your partner the truth.
It never ceases to amaze me with women.
Why is it that when we do the dirty, we think it's ok to do it, to get away with it and what is our justification, if any, of not having to tell our partners the truth?
I always say, what if the roles were reversed?
What if your partner was doing this exact same thing to you and you just happened to find out many years down the track?
I am certain that you'd be insanely furious, you'd feel hurt, you'd feel jealous, you'd want to know the truth, the facts, wouldn't you?
You'd probably give him grief for lying to you and you'd need absolute clarification as to WHY and HOW it all happened, yet you can do exactly that.
So why do you deny your long term partner the truth?
He must know the truth and you must have enough tact, respect and integrity to tell him.
He deserves the truth, especially if he's always been truthful to you.
Obviously you know your actions are wrong, otherwise why the need for so much secrecy?
I wouldn't go chasing some guy at work just because you've got some great chemistry going on.
I've been in your shoes on many occasions and i have never allowed it to amount to anything.
I told the guy/s the truth and i remained with my then partner/s.
You think that the grass will be greener on the other side, however, more often than not, it is never greener.
The other side, has it's very own set of new issues/problems.
You and your co-worker, you're both lusting after each other and it sounds more sexual than anything.
You should never have an intimate relationship with a colleague, because it makes things harder for you both, especially after the deed's been done and things didn't work out.
Look at working things out with your long term partner.
You've both come so far and it's quite normal to encounter sexual issues in the bedroom after many years together.
You can both do some googling to find out how to bring those sparks and the chemistry back.
Learn not to toss special things away, because if you do, you may never encounter it again and also remember that if you get used to simply throwing your relationships away every time you start to lose interest, it'll become a habit and you'll never be able to find life long happiness.
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A
female
reader, AllyJ  +, writes (1 November 2017):
Hello there.Look...the simple fact of the matter is that you have already cheated on your boyfriend. You are now with-holding information from him by which he would make an informed decision to whether stay with you or not. So, now you are deceiving him. This where you are at. The cheater and the deceiver. Reverse it - how would you feel? HE deserves better, don't you think. Feeling bad about is irrelevant. So...how did the going for a drink happen? What happened that you ended up getting drunk, alone, and kissing? Where was your boyfriend when you were drunk and kissing another man?You have now got an infatuation and all that goes with it..can't stop thinking about you...can't stop thinking about you...can't stop thinking about you.No...it is NOT low to leave your partner so you can have sex with someone it is the DECENT thing to do. You're just trying to work out the best trade off for yourself. Is your co-worker worth leaving your 7 year investment for? What will probably happen is that you will end up going for a drink again and having another kiss...for the moment.I think you should come clean to your boyfriend and let him decide what is best for HIM. He really does have a right to know when his girlfriend is kissing other men.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (31 October 2017):
 OK
Here are some things to think about:
Relationships with coworkers are difficult at best, and often prohibited. It would be better if you weren't working at the same place.
A relationship with mismatched sex drives is always going to be frustrating. It probably won't ever improve.
New relationships are always more exciting.
New relationships always become old relationships.
Shared apartment, shared Dog, shared 7 years, sounds more like marriage than like Friends with (limited) benefits.
Now aside from those reflections on your situation, you have asked specifically for ideas about how to handle the situation. The first thing I would advise is Complete honesty. Your boyfriend needs to know how unhappy you are, your coworker needs to know that you are in a relationship. The next idea I have is a bit more complicated. You are weighing never having good sex against friends, dog and apartment and your boyfriends feelings. I'm sure you realize that there is a lot more in the equation. First tossing your situation for a temporary fling is a bad idea, but adjusting your life until you have the situation (friends, long term relationship, comforts) that you want is a good idea. There is more than one path to that. The trouble is that making major life adjustments is a lot harder than either, having an affair / fling, or just staying in an unsatisfying relationship. It may require a break up, some time working on yourself, adjusting your employment, or finding an available partner that more closely matches your drive, moving, or any number of things. And there is no guarantee that it will actually work for ever. in fact changes will happen.
Be careful about chasing the thrill of a new relationship. That magic chemistry does not last.
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A
female
reader, Aleisha-Jay +, writes (31 October 2017):
 Hey anonymous,I recommend you watch this film 'Temptation' by Tyler Perry. It is a real eye-opener!Although things do not seem alive with your current partner, I believe if you truly love him.. you will get through it. The easiest thing a person can say is, talk to him about how you feel but in this case, I honestly think the film will help you to make your decision.Sometimes a woman has to compromise and in this case, you might have to. No relationship is perfect and maybe in time you will both find a way to spark things up in the bedroom. Theres so many elderly people out there that have been together for years and years and they have undoubtly gone through the same thing. If you love your partner fight the urges and make it work. If you don't love him then tell him how you feel and see what happens from there.But please watch the film. It's an amazing film! It has truly helped me get through my struggles too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2017): You have to make a choice. You sound unhappy in your relationship. You can either leave in a nice way or try to save your relationship by spicing things up, counselling, talking to your partner...
Third option is out of the question -cheating. It will diminish you.
If your partner is ok with an open relationship, then go ahead and have sex with someone else, otherwise, don't.
You're sexually frustrated. That's a no position to really be able to judge the attraction you feel.
Also, what do you really want with this colleague of yours? Just sex? There's a good old saying "don't sh*t where you eat". Sex with coworkers is pretty much making a mess where you make your livelihood.
I wouldn't be proud or make something of the fact that your colleagues and boss have seen through you. It doesn't mean that you have anything special. It just means that you are obvious. If this colleague of yours is single, he has nothing to lose. You on the other hand have. Let's start with some self-respect and then move on to the respect of others. Just because your bf is not much of a lover, your behavior will not be understood or excused.
I'd first decide what I want to do and why. Then I'd either leave or focus on my relationship. In the end we are all the same. Frail humans who make mistakes. This colleague of yours is not perfect. Honestly, he would lose a lot in my eyes if continued to pursue me knowing that I'm in a relationship. And I'd lose a lot if I gave him the reason to do so, or positively react to his inappropriate behavior.
It has noting to do with the boring strict morality, but with treating others the same way you want to be treated.
If you decide to stay, cut it off with the colleague and talk to your husband. That's a start. Maybe he too is bored, just doesn't know how to say it in order not to hurt you. Maybe he likes kinky stuff and is afraid to tell you. You could be surprised.
And yes... there's always a possibility that for whatever reason he's not that into you and that like you he's trying to keep this security you have built and is suffering in silence.
Talk to him.
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