A
female
age
30-35,
*ilibeth44
writes:Im 18 years old and i have a 3 month old little boy with my ex whose 22. He wants to have some sort of visitation rights but i dont want him to. Since when i found out i was pregnant at 17 he left me for another girl and told me to have an abortion. He never helped in anything and his girlfriend would tell me horrible things all the time too. And now that my ex knows that i had my baby he all of a sudden wants to be around and even his girlfriend is trying to pretend like she has some sort of rights over my child too. What do i do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): If you run away from this your child will be the one you hurt in the process. Even though he wanted you to have an abortion in the start and judging by what you say he seems to really want to get to know his child too. Allow for this to happen and shut the other girlfriend I mean who cares about their feelings your talking on behalf of you child and doing everything you possiblly can. If the father is abusive in any way then a fresh start is what you definately need. Good Luck
A
female
reader, Lilibeth44 +, writes (9 March 2010):
Lilibeth44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell I did whatmost of you told me to do. I told my baby's grandparents from his fathers side of the family that they were welcomed to the baptism and it ended turning into a problem. They told my ex, he got angry at me for not telling him (even thoug we had not been in contact for months). He came to visit and I agreed and the 3 of us spent the day together. We started having a good communication with each other and we started talking about what if we tried to be a family. Didn't last long. His ex girlfriend or still girlfriend, started harrassing me and telling me how dare I try to brake up what they have. And how inconsiderate I am of her emotions. I have been thinking that maybe its best to loose contact with him and this time for good, I've even been thinking of moving somewhere else just so I can avoid this... would I be doing wrong?
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reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 Lilibeth, no child can be loved too much, and on the surface it seems he has a grandmother and grandfather and an aunty ready and waiting to just love him and be involved.
Invite them to the baptism, I am going to hope I explain this clearly enough, you need to issue an invitation in writing, I am happy to help you word it, but by doing this, and asking them to join you and your family, they should get a clear message any interaction they have with your child depends on their recognising you as his parent.
At this stage I would not be agreeing to access or visitation rights, however I would slowly introduce them to him, for short visits to start and then slowly longer visits.
Seek legal advise, but you need to make sure you are the only one with custody, but dont turn your little boys family away without thinking of the fact you are going to be raising him on your own for the next 18 years, during those years you may need the extra support his deadbeat father's family might be able to give you.
Good luck, just remember never react to anything, always take a few minutes or overnight to think things through before you make decision or agree to something that doesnt feel quite right
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reader, Lilibeth44 +, writes (22 January 2010):
Lilibeth44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy son will turn 5 months in 2 days and my ex left to another place and we have lost all type of communication. I'm getting ready to baptize my baby and my ex's parents and sisters found out and want to see my son get baptized and be around him. do I let them?
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
 Did you get a lawyer.
You are now basically trying to get him to see your child. Isn't that the world in reverse?
This guy is scum and any exposure to him will affect your child wrong. last thing children need is a deadbeat parent screwing with their emotions, always trying to gain approval of someone who really just doesn't care about them.
Get a lawyer and get full custody of your kid. Do NOT communicate anymore with him and if he calls or drops by, RECORD it. The fact that he said he has been busy to far would have been great evidence in a court of law.
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reader, Lilibeth44 +, writes (8 December 2009):
Lilibeth44 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell me and my ex have not dealt with the situation... i wanted to meet with him to discuss everything and he says he doesn't have time. I even told him if he wanted for me to take our baby and meet somewhere and he said he was too busy. But I've been told that its because he has to go visit his girlfriend. so he perferrs the girl over his son and thats the way its always going to be. so i dont know what to do anymore....
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): All these answers are B.S.!!! I have gone theough exactly what you are going through. He doesnt deserve anything and dont give him anything. You go to court and you fight for full custody! You will win unless he can prove that you are an unfit mother. Once you have won full custody, you are responsible for that baby. It is your job to keep it safe and do whats right for it. He will get vistations but in my case he only got 4 days a month.
Why should they get to come in and out of the picture when they want??? We as women have to be in and stay in!! Grow up to all of you people that think this douche bag deserves anything!!! Who says he wont up and leave again? Who says he wont deside its not convienient anymore?? Its your job as that babies mom to protect it.
Good luck!
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reader, PeanutButter +, writes (21 November 2009):
 The situation and the course of action to take now, depends on your state and the rules there in.
The fact that you weren't married to this guy and the fact that, at the time, he wanted you to get a termination, will make absolutely no difference to the fact that he IS that child's father and is therefore entitled to see it.
You should get yourself a good lawyer because you're going to have a rough time ahead of you in going to court to arrange the details of the visitation rights and child support payments, which he'll have to make in order to continue any future relationship with your child.
ALL fathers are 50% responsible for their child, even if it takes a while for them to come around to the idea of being a father. Some never do, and that is much worse for the child.
Do not let your feelings for this guy get in the way of the feelings he has for his child and that child's right to see its father. The relationship between him and the child is separate to the relationship between you and him and you have to be adult about it.
When you go to court, he will get 50% custody as that is his child. He will have to pay support and the court will decide on the amount at the time by comparing the wages you both earn and dividing them appropriately. Visitation will most likely be allocated at first as supervised but then move to nights over - usually settling for every other weekend and 1 day a week is minimum but there is every chance he'll get 50% visitation if he proves to be doing the right thing.
You really should have dealt with this in the beginning.
Please don't worry, no one is going to take your child from you, but remember your child is HIS child too and you need to do the right thing and give him a chance.
Good luck xx
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reader, Accountable  +, writes (21 November 2009):
 First of all, the girlfriend. Complete agreement, she has absolutely no right to have any part in your childs life until she and your ex are married and she becomes a stepmother, rather than some rebound girl from your relationship.
As for the father, as Flynn24 says its undeniable that he did some terrible things, but it is possible that he has changed and wants to step up and be a father now - and that IS his right. I think you should push for supervised visitation at first (once he starts paying support), until he proves that he is capable of being a responsible father. But I hate the misconception that exists, that the mother has more of a right to the child than the father does; although he may not have been there at first, he wants to be now, and it IS half his child. As soon as he proves himself to be unfit to be a father, he forfeits those rights and you can push to stop all visitation. But think about your childs future - do you want them to grow up fatherless? I'd give the man another chance, hard as it may be, for the babys sake.
Good luck, I know its a horrible thing to have to deal with. xx
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reader, LilPixie +, writes (21 November 2009):
 Give him a chance to prove himself. Tell him he can see him once or twice a month, with you there, but his new girlfriend isn't allowed anywhere near him, Arrange a place and time to meet (if you don't want it to be at yours). If he sticks to the arrangements, i'd say keep it going, but if he doesn't show up, tell him you don't want him to have anything to do with your child.
I'll tell you a little about my dad... My mum and him split up when I wasn't a year old. I've often heard from my mum and my sister (we have different dads) that he always used to go out drinking, smoked and did drugs, and apparently was even violent towards my mum, while she was holding me in her arms! From when I was around a year old, up until i was about 6 I didn't see him again, and always felt a little uncomfortable around him, It was from around that age that I would stay with my nan every couple of weekends, and on the odd occasion he too would be there, I never really bonded with him, but had to act like I loved him so I wouldn't upset him or my nan (she's always seen him as her little angel). Anyway, sometimes it was agreed that he would take me home, but on the way home he'd stop by at a 'mates house' getting drugs, or going into a pub for a drink when he was supposed to be taking me home.
It was when I was around that age that my asthma was really bad, and one weekend when I was staying with my nan, he was told not to smoke anywhere near me because of this... Well, i fell asleep on the sofa in the living room, and he started smoking, which caused me to have a really bad asthma attack and i ended up in hospital (he obviously didn't care one little bit if i was ill).
When i was around 8, he was sent to prison for drugs, around christmas, they set up a project for the men in that prison with children, so that they would be able to see them every weekend, and everyone doing things together, I was pulled out of school for that for a day every week, and i was so embarressed because I didn't want to tell anyone why I had to miss school. He was in prison for around 3 years, and my nan always took me to see him, even though I didn't want to!
I lived in germany at the time, and just before my 12th birthday I moved over to the UK with my mum. I didn't see him again until i was 14, when i went to visit my sister over there, he promised me he'd stay in touch with me. After I returned home, I received ONE email from him, and he hasn't been in touch with me since then. That was 3 years ago. I'm still in touch with my nan, and she always tells me that he loves me and misses me, yet he hasn't bothered to contact me.
I'm 17 now, not much younger than you, and I know what it's like to grow up with a dad who says he loves you and stuff like that, but is never there for you!
What I'm trying to say is, he may act like he wants a part in the baby's life, but you don't know how long he will keep this up for! I just think that if he proves he can't stick to arrangements, tell him you don't want him anywhere near your son, because he will be a lot better off without him in that case!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): Look. He may be an asshole. There can be no denying that. But he IS the father and as far as I'm concerned a father has every right, as much as the mother, to be involved with the child.
Unless that chile will be in any danger by knowing its father then you have no other choice but to let him handle 50 percent of the responsibilities.
Be glad he even wants to at all. Plenty of them don;t. If in time he remains an asshole, and his girlfriend a bitch, then the child will get to an age where the law says it can decide for itself if it wants it's father to be involved.
It is possible the guy freaked out over the pregnancy, and realising that you refuse to have a termination, decides, finally, to grow up and do his duty to his child.
You need to stop saying YOUR child and start conisdering it as much his as it is yours.
Flynn 24
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reader, LazyGuy +, writes (21 November 2009):
You get a lawyer. What you really should have done the moment he left you to get him to sign away his rights.
Lawyers know the law. Not people on the internet.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): first you have to find out what the law is in your country.
i was in the same situation as you described.
over here i went to the citizens advice, this is what she told me...
because we were not married and his name was not on the birth certificate, there was little he could do about it.
yes he could go to court and they (after dna testing, would grant him access most probably one day a week), i could request supervised visitation if i did not want him alone with my son, OR i could just go out that day and say i was busy. he could go back to court and the same thing would happen (paperwork would just build up) but nothing really would be done about it.
telling him this he told me i was wrong! that he had rights.
and that he could have my son over night and that he would show me. His sister told me that he was going to do all he could and that they too were going to the citizens advice.
i have not heard from him since (that was two years ago).
i found out recently that he is taking drugs, and apparently has been for years, his family deal in them and his sister is facing a prison sentence.
i know i did the right thing by standing my ground.
i am now in a happy, peaceful relationship, my partner treats my son like his own and genuinley cares for him, he knows him as daddy.
you do whats right for you and your son!
if you dont want these people in your lives, then dont have them in it. after all your son needs a happy mother first and foremost.
he made the desicion when he told you to kill your baby.
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reader, sarcy24 +, writes (21 November 2009):
 My friend was in a very similar situation. She became pregnant and her boyfrind cut her dead, gave her money for an abortion and didn't want to know at all. He got a new girlfriend and rubbed her face in it every day.
When the baby was born he suddently wanted to be involved and was furious that she hadn't told him when she went into labour. She would have nothing to do with him. I fully understood this and her reasons but he took her to court and got visitation rights. Apparently it makes no difference if the man wasn't interested, wanted the woman to have an abortion and even if he gives her no money for the child he still has the father's rights.
You would have a case against the girlfriend though and a good lawyer could bann her from even being in the same area as you because of her behaviour. You would need proof of her behaviour though. I don't think it is remotely fair and it breaks my heart but unless the man is proven unfit and a possible danger to the child then sadly he does have rights. Even fighting this through the courts will cost thousands and they will go against you so to save money try to sort something out even if it is only a supervised visit once a month.
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reader, natasia +, writes (21 November 2009):
 My goodness me - just such a cheek. You are quite right - they shouldn't really be anywhere near your baby. He abandoned you and the baby, and additionally was incredibly unkind and betrayed you, and she sounds a monster. First off, she has absolutely no rights to see your baby - talk to a lawyer - she could even be banned from seeing you or the baby after her behaviour. And your ex frankly has done nothing to deserve visitation rights - what for? To mess up your life and your poor baby's? I really think you should see a lawyer about this. Don't talk to your ex about it - just go asap and find out your position with a good custody/family lawyer.
You should be v proud of yourself for coping on your own, at your age, with this horrible behaviour from the father. And that his new girlfriend should be weighing in too - makes my blood boil!! He can't abnegate all responsibility, request killing the baby, and then when he's born, suddenly want to take him off you. No.
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reader, empop +, writes (21 November 2009):
That is a tough one, particularly since the baby is so young. His new girlfriend has absolutely no right to intrude on your life, and you should tell your ex that you don't want her around or he won't get his visitation rights.And, I think he has no right to visitation if he's not giving you any child support. However, in the long run, it may be better for your baby to know his father. When he's 14, you don't want to end up getting in an argument with him where he screams "my dad wanted to see me, but you wouldn't let him!"So, what I think you should do, is let the father come visit the baby sometimes when you're around (and possibly another person if you're intimidated by being alone with him.) Let him know that if he wants *real* visitation rights (like, weekends alone with his kid), he's going to have to act like a *real* father and give you some support (such as $$). And, tell him that his girlfriend is absolutely not welcome at all because of how she's been behaving towards you, and you won't let him visit his child until her behavior improves.Also, don't hesitate to get in touch with a women's shelter if you feel that your ex boyfriend or his girlfriend are being abusive towards you or intimidating you. I don't know where you live, but just google city, state, and "women's shelter." Good luck!
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reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 November 2009):
Okay, first up I raised three kids as a single mother, even though I hadnt started out that way, so I know what it is like to be left holding the baby!visitation and support are (should be) two separate issues. It is very important that you start training yourself not to "bag" the babies daddy, especially in front of the baby otherwise he/she will grow up hating half of themselves.You need to make sure everything you do in relation to your baby and the father is well documented (in case you need to go to court of something some time down the track), so now, while the baby is still very young get into the habit of keeping a diary. In this diary you note the date and the time of every contact you have with other people regarding the baby. Eerybody and everything. A plain cheap exercise book is fine, just be aware that you MUST not remove any pages, even if you have jotted down a shopping list or a phone number on a page!! That will rule the book inadmisable evidence if you ever have to go to court.If you can get legal advise from a family law court or simular do so. If you cant do that contact a local church or charitable organisation and ask if they know where you can access mediation services. Your local government might also be able to help, contact them and find out if they have social workers.Unless the baby's father does drugs or is involved in illegal activities or is abusive or violent you should allow him a chance to build a relationship with the baby. This is for the baby's sake, not his. His girlfriend has nothing to do with this and can butt out. Threaten her with a restraining order, or equivalent if you have too.There is no way i would be allowing him to take the baby anywhere, this is where having legal advise or assistance from somebody else will help. You need to ensure any visitation rights are well documented and registered with the appropriate body. Start off with the father being permitted to visit the baby once a week, on a set day for a set time, this can be negotiated between you, but make sure, if he doesnt turn up for a scheduled visit you write that in your diary. This is important to build up and document a picture of the sort of father he is.Support, financial support is a separate issue, you need to find out where to go to make sure he is aware of his financial and material obligations towards you and the baby. note any discussions about money and support, with any people in your diary as well. It sounds like a lot of work, but doing it this way will save you a lot of heartache and grief down the track.Gut feeling is that he will not persevere with being a daddy, my gut feeling is that the girlfriend could be pushing him into making contact. If this is the case, better to get it over and done with, and let him get bored with being a daddy before your baby gets old enough to be hurt when and if he does disappear off the scene.good luck and lots of love to you and your little one!
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