A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:In 2007 I met my ex, who I was with for 2 years.During the beginning/insanely happy stage of the relationship he was lovely, but then he started to really insult me; no violence at all, but he used to call me fat every day. I wasn't, I was a UK 14 - not slim, but definitely not fat. He said horrible things to me, I quote: 'You've got a fat girl waddle when you walk'; 'Lose some weight! Lose some weight!'; (after seeing me remove my bra for the first time):'Your tits are a funny shape, but they look all nice and round and perky in your bra'.I guess I stayed with him for so long out of lack of confidence. I have been with my current boyfriend for nearly a year and its' going great! But my psychological hangups remain, I find it very hard to feel comfortable in my own skin and I feel extremely self-conscious when I am naked - and as a girlfriend I find it hard to initiate affection because I used to be fobbed off all the time. I haven't been able to tell my current BF of what I am feeling because I know that I will immediately cry; I can feel a lump in my throat as I type. I understand that this is a completely new relationship and its 1000 times better, but I can't make these hang ups go away. What should I do; should i bite the bullet and tell him? Or just 'man up', or what?!? Help x
View related questions:
bra , confidence, my ex, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): You need to pluck up the courage and tell your boyfriend how you feel, maybe have a drink to relax and explain to him what you have been through and tell him that is why you have hang ups about yourself, im sure he will understand and be supportive to you.The fact is that your Ex was a nasty piece of work but you need to try and move on and try to forget the things that he said to you because all he was doing was trying to knock your confidence because he was controlling and had no confidence himself. Your new bf loves you for you, so dont hold back and give it a chance im sure he will understand completely.. Good luck :)
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 June 2011):
 "A reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011):
They are all the same...Guys are no good because they make us feel bad."
Now hold on just one second, that's not true at all. I'd never dream of insulting a girlfriend, I'm with her because I like her, not because I fancy having someone that I can easily insult. I hate it when women make the generalisation that all men are the same...the last person I was intimate with wasn't even a girlfriend and I'd text her every single morning telling her how beautiful she was and how happy she made me and in the end, she was the one that screwed with my head and showed me the door - So please, don't get on your high horse and making men out to be the problem all the time, women can easily be as bad.
As for the OP, sorry that I went off topic there, I know it's confidence shattering to hear words like these from someone who is supposed to love you, but this shows that SOME men, can be absolute jerks and destroy others self esteem to boost their own.
You're not with this guy anymore and you're now with someone who treats you right, you need to let go of all of the negative emotion from your previous relationship and embrace the good times ahead with your current boyfriend.
Tell him what happened so that he knows if you feel uncomfortable or down about things some times, just so he knows it's not him that has done something wrong to make you upset.
Also, do some nice things for yourself to build your confidence if you're feeling low, get your hair done, spa treatment, manicure + pedicure just to pamper yourself and make yourself feel special, because this is something that you need to do, be confident in yourself, know that you look and feel good and it will exude in your personality.
Now just look to the future with your loving boyfriend and erase these past memories from your mind!
Hope this helps, good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): They are all the same...Guys are no good because they make us feel bad. My bf always tell me you look ugly and fat but when I ask other people they say I have great body and I still look pretty. I don't know why they love to put us down but now I know that those words aren't gonna affect me anymore. I tried to be as pretty and as sexy as I can. Now he is still mad because there are so much guys interested to go out with me but he still tells me I'm fat and ugly. I don't feel bad anymore when he says that I just smiled at him and pretend that I didn't hear anything. Don't feel bad just because you're ex bf tells you you're ugly or fat. Relationship is not all about being good looking and besides his past and you got new bf that I'm sure appreciate you more.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): Please don't take what your callous ex said to heart. I bet he wasn't that thin himself. Did he ever check himself in the mirror?! Your ex had to insult you, just to make himself feel better. Unfortunately some people are like that. I know as my ex was the same too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 I went through a very similar situation. I actually am overweight, but girl you are nowhere near fat! However, I totally feel you. It is very hard to get over the psychological damage that such comments do to you, your self-image, and your self-esteem.I had a boyfriend who once told me to "go eat some more fucking donuts" in an argument once and who would often comment on how much hotter I would be thinner. Similar to your story of your breasts and your bra. He would tell me that I look good in clothes, but not in the flesh. Needless to say, it totally screwed my confidence up.Time will heal this, I assure you, but you must put some effort into helping the process. Now, when I tell you this advice, I am not joking. I seriously did this. Everyday for a couple of months, I would stare at myself in the mirror for a few minutes every morning and pick just one part of me. I would pick one part of me, whether I loved it or hated it, and tell myself why it was attractive and desirable. An example: I picked my eyes once. Well, why? My eyes are a nice shade of green. They are sort of seductive, I think. I like the shape and they really are striking. Next day, my thighs. Sure, they're thick as hell, but I actually kind of like that, and I realized this as I stared. I just "brainwashed", for lack of a better term, myself into thinking I was attractive. I corrected my thinking, which had been severely damaged by my ex, and, sure enough, here I am today and I believe I am one of the most gorgeous girls alive! Why? BECAUSE I AM! Because I believe I am! Because there is no reason I am not! The same goes for you.I also found that when I did little things for myself, like trying a new hair color or buying a sassy more daring outfit, I began to feel better about myself. With every ounce of effort I put into myself, I realized how worth it I was. For the longest time, I never owned dresses. I believed I was too fat, but finally one day I dared myself to buy a sexy, little black dress. Sure enough, as soon as I put it on and saw how flattering it was, I felt just as sexy as the next gal. Treat yourself to something nice and remind yourself that you totally deserve it. You're beautiful and fabulous! Why shouldn't you deserve it?As for your new boyfriend situation, I would talk to him about it and confide in him. Tell him you're doing your best to cope and work on it, but that sometimes it is hard to work past the bad memories. I'm sure he will understand and will do his best to encourage you to be the strong, gorgeous, and fierce woman that you truly and genuinely are.I wish you the best and, just remember, your ex's comments were just from his own insecurities and his own pain. He said things because he too felt inadequate in some way. So, truly, his comments were never a reflection of you, but only of him.Girl, wish you the best and lots of happiness with your current boyfriend! :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Hi,I am going to be very honest with you. First of all he's your "ex-boyfriend" and its over and done, thank God! Don't let the past hold you back to your wonderful future. You might have a wonderful guy now and don't let the past affect your future with your new boyfriend. 2nd, no matter how beautiful, size 0, or even perfect, but we all have our imperfections and insecurities. Its ok, but shouldn't affect you to the extreme to the point that makes you cry?We are all unique individuals and have our own beauty. The point is, size 0, is not what matters. What you see in the magazines, the actresses, its all a different part of life. To those people, representing certain image is their job. Reality is that as long as you're not 300lbs, its very ok... Being obese is very unhealthy and can cause serious healthy problems. This is not your case. As you mentioned, you're size 14 uk, which is a normal, healthy, average size :-)About your breasts, its normal to not be firm, unless you have a breast implant, which is ok to certain people, and I am absolutely ok with it, but natural breasts are much better to look at :-)Cherish your body, appreciate every curve, remember that you are unique. If you love yourself, love your body, your happiness will show in the outside and you will not only feel better about yourself, but people will also see your beauty in so many different ways. Beauty is not based on size!Once you start loving yourself, your confidence will come back with time. All the negatives thoughts is only in your head. I know that you hate to feel this way, but its your job to push yourself and stop feeling this way. As per your "ex-boyfriend", I am so glad that you're not longer with him. Shows his character and he's very selfish, immature and not very bright person. I really dislike people that are ignorant. Even if you were obese (which is not your case), he shouldn't judge you. Nobody in this world have the right to judge anybody. Have you seen those people that are 80lbs and they look at themselves on the mirror and still they feel fat? That's a perfect example. Shows that is all in your head. I hope you understand what I am trying to say...Just stop thinking this way.. I know its not going to happen over night, but try... Remember, say to yourself that you're beautiful everyday. Do little things that make you feel better. Maybe a nice all fit? Play with your hair and make up. As per your current boyfriend ;-). One day, when you both are having a good time, open up to him and tell him what happened and how you feel about the issue. Maybe, this is a good way to start over and this might help you heal. Also, he'll understand you more. Its not fair to both of you to not be happy together, because a ignorant man. Its the past and look forward to the future. The fact that you were so open about your story, shows me that you are a beautiful woman inside and out and very smart. I know for sure you're a very kind person and deserve to have a happy, healthy life. Ps: remember..its all in your head... You own to yourself to be strong...*also, in this world, that are many ignorant people. Unfortunately, we meet one of those time to time, but its silly to let dumm people affect your life! He's a joke! :-) smile and don't be silly... He was a lesson to you and erase him from your head. Don't waste any second of your precious life thinking about him...**sorry long answer..Hope this help?Have a wonderful day and good luck!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): What your ex did to you was abuse, pure and simple, psychological abuse.You need to make sure that your current bf knows about the abuse, because it has, and will, cause problems with intimacy at both a physical as well as a psychological level.You must tell him, without doing so the problems will get worse.I would strongly advise you seek out a counselor to help you. This abuse may not leave whip marks, but it leaves much deeper wounds that are harder to heal. Make sure the counselor is someone you can talk to.I know, my wife couldn't tell me for nearly 20 years, and she never told any of her counselors she'd seen, or her doctors either.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 OP, you must remember that your ex is now your past, and whatever happened with him, left with him. If he said all those bad things to you, let them go. Why hold on to it?
Please dont get hurt by those poisonous words. A wise man once said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Always remember this OP. Dont ever let anyone pull you down by what they say about you. Never have any apologies or regrets for the way you are.
Remember OP, if someone calls you names, they try to make themselves feel more powerful. Each time your ex called you fat and he saw that you got upset, he saw that he had a powerful effect on you. His self esteem sailed high at your expense.
Now you have a wonderful life and a good BF, so please dont carry this baggage. Tell your BF everything now; not only will you feel better, but it will also get you closer to him. Cry if you must, let go of the emotions, but keep in mind, that jerk of an ex doesn't deserve your tears. Tell your BF whatever happened and love yourself the way he loves you. You will see yourself in a new light.
All the best to you...
...............................
|
