A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't think I'm still fully over what happened with my ex/ex friend and it still affects potential dating.It's been over a year now since I last saw him. We started out as friends, then it became more, but he wasn't treating me well so I ended it. After a while we got in contact again and tried to be friends, but it didn't work out because I still had feelings for him, which I told him. He said he didn't reciprocate and then ignored me for days, and then when I suggested we stop being in contact (for my own sake, to get over my feelings for him, which I explained), he told me he loved me and was just scared before. Being the idiot that I was, wanted to believe him, so we met up and discussed things. He Spouted all this BS about giving it another try. But days later he again texted me saying he couldn't do it and blocked me on social media. After that essentially being the third time I poured my heart out for him to just constantly play games, I decided that would it and I would ignore him. Some days after this, he texted me casually as if nothing had ever happened and expected me to meet him. When I told him no, his response was 'I thought you loved me'? And I think that's when I realised that no matter how badly he treated me, he expected me to love him no matter what. I ended all contact after that, which made him relentless in contacting me to try to get me change my mind, but I realised it was all a game for him and if I caved he would see it as him winning. I'm not sure but I did think maybe he is a narcissist. I know he didn't love me because weeks later he was dating someone - and they are still together now -. I guess all this had made me really distrusting of people because 1) he started out as a great friend initially, it was like he completely changed as a person and 2) he purposely went out of his way to hurt me, he could have left me alone knowing I had feelings for him that he didn't reciprocateUnfortunately this has taken a toll on my self esteem because I wonder why I deserved to be treated that way, why wasn't I good enough? I've actively avoided dating for the past year because the thought of being rejected again brings on really bad anxiety. But I've realised I can't not date people just because I'm too scared. I just don't know how to get over it and deal with my anxiety. I've been talking to this guy online and we plan to meet this weekend. I'm already thinking of ways to cancel because I feel physically sick just thinking about it, even though a part of me does want to meet him.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 January 2018):
 OP, You didn't MAKE your ex treat you like crap. Some people are LIKE your ex, they ENJOY toying with people, using them, and hurting them JUST to see how far THEY can go and still remain in control.
Instead of beating yourself up because of this ex and the past, LEARN from it.
ACTIONS speaks louder than words. You CAN NOT go by a guy's words alone. Why? Because talk is cheap. There are no real consequences for saying something, promising something, and then taking it back or not keeping it. OK? So if a guy isn't treating you right, you don't have to tell him I don't want contact - you decide is THIS how I want to be treated? Is it EVER OK to treat (me)(anyone) like this? If the answer is NO, you block them NO matter what sob story they fire off. You don't OWE someone contact with you.
As for the new guy - GO SLOW - SUPER SLOW and please remember that HE is not responsible for how you ex acted and treated you. It's not fair to paint him with the same brush. OK?
Just go slow. Don't go HOME with this new fella (or take him home to your place) - keep the first dated in public.
As for fear of rejection. Well, we ALL get rejected here and there in life. That is how it is. It shouldn't hold you back from trying to reach your goals. Be it finding a GOOD BF, a new job, travel or whatnot. Remember if someone rejects you, it's not because YOU aren't good enough - the other person simply don't "feel" it. Which also means if you meet someone and there is NO chemistry, he isn't someone you can see yourself spending more time with YOU TOO can "reject" him. It goes both ways.
Chin up, you can do it.
OH and do NOT use your ex and his crappy treatment as a subject with this new guy. That is something YOU need to work through and let go off.
Just pay attention to a guys words and actions. OK? If they don't match.... it's usually a waste of time.
A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (18 January 2018):
 Of course you didn't deserve to be treated that way. It's also bound to have hit your self esteem.
The most important thing, I think, is to treat dating as if you're just hoping to meet new people and make new friends, have a few new experiences. If you end up with more then that's great but you don't have to give your heart to every person you meet so there's no need to be scared right from the start.
You have to give people the benefit of the doubt. One rotten apple does not make them all bad :)
Be safe when meeting someone from the internet. Don't go anywhere private and no matter how lovely they are, get yourself home your own way.
It's just better safe than sorry. I met my fiance on online dating so I'm not trying to put you off! Good luck and have fun.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 January 2018):
 Every time you think of a reason NOT to meet this man, think of TWO reasons to meet him. The most important thing to remember is that, while this meeting may not necessarily lead to anything, you won't know until you try and this man is not your ex. You should meet him with the assumption that he is a nice genuine person.
As this is someone you don't actually know, just a reminder: don't tell him where you live or work, don't get in a car with him, meet in a public place, tell a friend where you are going and what time you expect to be away and make sure you check in with them.
As for your ex, don't let that specimen ruin your confidence. What he did to you says NOTHING about you but EVERYTHING about him. Let his new girlfriend discover what a pathetic individual he is. YOU deserve better.
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