A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So here it goes.. My ex and I have not spoken much at all since I broke up with him last December. We had a roller coaster relationship, on again off again for almost 2 years. He was my first boyfriend. I did everything for him, I was the only girlfriend to date that didn't cheat on him or do drugs behind his back. I broke up with him for a few reasons, one of them being because he was homeless.. I didn't enjoy sleeping under a bridge in a tent with him. I told him that it wasn't right for us to date in his current state, he agreed, it was on "ok" terms.The other reasons that screamed in my face were: no job, no motivation, 22 years old and hasn't even attempted to go to college. Then comes the issue of drinking copious amounts of alcohol and smoking pot. He also made me feel horrible a few times when he got too drunk.He began dating a girl I find extremely vile and horrible afterward, for nearly all of this time up until a few months ago- she had cheated on him on several occasions. I found out and sent him a clip of Halloween where Michael Myers is brutally slaughtering someone with a chainsaw and said "some people just deserve to die" along with it. We both have dark humor, but it might have been inappropriate on my part.Present day: His sister, however, is one of my best friends. We've been friends for years and her mom loves me endlessly. She invited me to her mom's birthday dinner per her mom's request. The dinner was last night, the attending party included her, her boyfriend, her mom, and my ex. He invited a friend but he couldn't come.So the dinner was naturally a bit uncomfortable, but I brought a card for their mom and a wallet as a present. We were all very humorous the entire night, and I kept cracking jokes making fun of him. With all of the history there, I wasn't short on material. I had difficulty looking him in the eye without feeling uncomfortable. I'm still hurt from how he treated me, I guess, but I have moved past it as much as possible.My best friend, his sister, sent me a text message last night after dropping me off saying he wanted to talk to me.. but he didn't have a chance to. I responded saying I don't know what to say to that. She said it was pretty random, but he said he wanted to ask for my number since he doesn't know how else to get ahold of me without Facebook. We go to the same college, so she said she could tell me more tomorrow (today).Today she tells me on their way back, her mom kept saying how beautiful I am/was looking and "being nosy" (her terms, not mine) asking if I had a boyfriend or was dating someone. She says no I don't think she's dating anyone right now. Then her brother said "I'd date her" out of nowhere and she said "what did you just say dumb a^^?" and he repeated what he said, and that he liked my hair. (I had just gotten bangs in the last few days)He went on to say I'm just a really good person. My friend played dumb and asked him what had happened between us, though she knew. His response was that I broke up with him because he was homeless and it wasn't a good time for us to be together, and he agreed then. He said now he has a job and he's going to school, and asked her to ask for my permission to have my number instead of just taking it from her phone.I don't want to allow him another chance to destroy my self-esteem and it's really too late. My friend agreed and said I'll tell him whatever your decision is. How do I relay the message to him that there's no chance in hell without it coming off as rude? Am I making the right choice?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 August 2012):
 He can ASK to date you all he wants all YOU have to do is say, no.
Just because the sister is your good friend doesn't mean you have to give him another chance. I would be honest with her and tell her you just don't see the 2 of you together again.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 You needn't say anything. In fact saying something may do more harm. Talking is negotiating (regardless of what you're saying) and as long as there is an open dialogue your ex will assume he has a chance and press harder. It may also give his mother false hope and she may try to encourage you in that direction as ell.
You've made it very clear to his sister and she will undoubtedly relay your sentiments if he broaches the topic again.
About his mother...she may be a decent person, worthy of your esteem, but she is also human and wants the best for her kids with as little headache as possible. Having you to worry about her son means she doesn't have to (as much) which is another reason I strongly recommend you say nothing at this point.
No one is pressing you because you aren't talking about it. Keep it that way.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (28 August 2012):
 First, I understand you are friends with the sister, but some things must naturally come to an end. If you don't want to hear about the ex-boyfriend, then you are probably going to have to politely decline when asked to a family party and send a card or gift via the postal service.
The reason? You are putting yourself back into the equation by continuing your friendship with the sister. If you would seriously like to maintain the friendship with the sister, I would have a talk with her about how you would still like to be her friend, but you would prefer not to talk about her brother. If she does not honor these wishes then you will need to distance yourself from her.
I know it seems as if you should be able to keep the friendship even though you broke up with the brother. Sometimes it can work, but usually not. Family members have a way of sucking you back into the ex-boyfriend's drama, and of course, they DO love their son and brother, so they are going to be advocates for him.
If you don't want him to have another chance to destroy your self-esteem, then you need to control the situation by staying away from him, which in my opinion, also means staying away from his family.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 August 2012):
 The family may see you as the saviour who can keep their brother on the straight and narrow but you have seen that and been there and you do not want to go back to that life again.
He may have thought you cracking jokes about him was a 'come on' but he misread you. Jokes at the expense of another can be a form of criticism against a person where you use jokes against a person to hide your adverse feelings about that person. Understandable in the circumstances.
I think you made the right decision to break up with him
And I think getting back with him would send you backwards.
It is perfectly acceptable to decline to provide your phone number. AND it is perfectly acceptable to cut a person from your life if they pass on your contact details without your permission.
Beyond that you do not have to explain yourself nor your reasons to anyone and especially not to him.
He has already demonstrated to you that he is capable of making poor life choices. How do you know he will not make even worse life choices in the future? you don't know.
All the more reason to get on with your life without him.
You owe him nothing. You are not responsible for keeping him on the straight and narrow. That's his job.
And you do not have to give him an explanation either. he knows what he put you through earlier.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (28 August 2012):
 It's just things that happen rude even if its not meant to be. Don't say anything just ignore him her them. It's over so it really doesnt matter the rudeness factor.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 August 2012):
 You tell your friend you understand she would like to see her brother settled and in a relationship but that you are not going to provide it. She needs to understand your relationship with her has nothing to do with her drugged fcked brother. Sorry for the terminology but sometimes its the only word that will fit!
The best way to get the message across is to use your own words, there is no way in hell!
If she cant accept you dont want anything to do with him then the time may have come for you to draw back from her to a safer place. If she gives him your number, or allows him to take it from your phone block them both, cell and computer.
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A
female
reader, lalina +, writes (28 August 2012):
Tell him your not interested and that you have gone on with your life. remember you own yourself no one else does.
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A
male
reader, mistermann  +, writes (28 August 2012):
You said it yourself, you don't want to allow him another chance to destroy my self-esteem, so of course you are making the right choice by not even entertaining the notion of going back into a relationship with him.
You don't need to me rude, you don't need to be uncivil, you just need to be assertive and confident in the fact that you don't want a relationship with him.
If you want to be friends with him, be clear from the outset that you will only be friends and never anything more. If you don't want to be friends with him, you need to tell him that too much has gone on between you in the past and you've moved on.
I wish you the best of luck, I hope everything turns out okay for you.
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