A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok I really need help.My ex and I were together for three years. We had our ups and downs but at the end of the day we forgave each other and always told each other I love you.We'll we broke recently over something I had done. I had invaded his privacy and went on his facebook. He found out and we broke up. We broke up once before and I agreed to get back with him. Understand completely what I did was wrong and I should have never done that. I apologize and called him to tell him I was sorry and he tells he doesn't want to talk.I found out from a good of ours two days after we break up that he had a party at his house and he hooked up and sex with another girl. I understand we weren't together but hurts me know after three years that he can go and do somethin like that.I called him and he told me that he's fallen out of love me and also we had got a dog together and says he wants nothing to do with us after 3 years. Hurts alot I cry everyday. But he tells me to give him his space and not call him. He says he will call me.I just want to know, is he doing this because he's hurt that I didn't trust him, Is this girl just someone to get off his mind? I'm just hurt, I miss him. I just can't let three years of love fade away. I still love him. Please a response would be apprecaited.I also told to give me a chance after I had gave him one, and he tells me he wants his space and he will call me, he gave his word and he always goes through it. I'm waiting for him to call, and I just hope this girl will go away.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 December 2011):
to be honest I think this is getting worse not better....
So he is basically reiterating that he does NOT want a relationship with you. that is consistent. And yet he's happy to have sex with you in the meantime. I would be cautious that he's using the vague references to the future, as a way to keep you around right now but not in a relationship.
it's clear that he doesn't want a "real" relationship with you, that comes with its commitments, rules and expectations and sacrifices. But he does want you around for some aspects (like the physical aspect) and maybe for some companionship but he wants to have more boundaries and freedom than if you were in a real relationship. Of course if you've really hurt him deeply in the past it's no wonder he wants to have boundaries and keep you at arm's length now to some degree.
He says he's willing to try again but wants to take it slow and develop friendship and trust first. This sounds very good. HOWEVER, sleeping together already, is not consistent with taking it slow to develop the emotional relationship and trust simply because it sends you mixed signals as to how much distance there is supposed to be between you right now.
And I think you're still desperate to have him back that you went along with it, but this is putting you in a worse position because now the waters are muddier than before. You know you're not in a real relationship, he's still making it clear that he doesn't want that now. Therefore he could be sleeping with someone else now, again. But having slept with him makes it feel like you're still in an exclusive relationship. It's now more confusing as to where you two stand with each other and what is and isn't appropriate anymore. This isn't likely to be helpful for relationship-rebuilding because it's ripe for all kinds of misunderstandings and hurt to arise, on top of the ones that were already there from before which led to the break up.
I think that you should decide either to end the relationship and remain friends though if you do this usually it's better to cut off all contact for some time after the break up, and only try to be friends again after a long time has passed and you've both moved on. Or if you decide to work on the relationship, then make it clear that you're still in an exclusive relationship right now just that there are more boundaries in place than before because he doesn't trust you and you have to earn back his trust but at the same time some ground rules should be established such as not seeing other people.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Not a good move... not good at all, but we all do upsetting things when the heart is involved.Moving from girlfriend to Friends who have sex, will leave you feeling upset and used in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe called the other night asking if I was doing ok. We talked for a while about the situation. He had texted me later on that night if I wanted to come over. Of course late at night what do you expect? Of course we had sex we talked and he told we can be together in the future but for know we need to work on a trusting relationship before we get back together and just be friends.
He wants to hangout with me again this week. Is it my business to ask if the one night stand girl is out of the picture or if he is talking to her?
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A
female
reader, SmilySmily  +, writes (16 December 2011):
I think i will have to agree on anonymous female reader below and caring guy.
to me, it seems like he does not care about it anymore- i think he wants it to be over and also wants you to get over the break-up.
i know it must be heart broken for you, and it has been 3 years but i think it is not worth chewing back on the memories for another 3 years... you need to move on and pull yourself together.
if you two are meant to be, he really will ring you at some point and who knows you will get back with him? but for now, just leave him as he is now i think that is the best idea for the moment.
best of luck xxx
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (16 December 2011):
Worse thing you can do is to keep bothering him, he will lose respect for you and you will drive him further away. The girl doesn't matter, he doesn't know her, he hasn't fallen in love, even if she goes away there are other girls out there. People often have meaningless sex when they end a relationship, it's their way of dealing with loss and rejection. They do it because they want to feel desirable and not like a person who can't hold on to a relationship. Your big problem is your bad behaviour and your jealousy. He's more than angry, he's given up on you, he doesn't believe a word you say, he thinks you will never change. He has asked you for space, you ignore him. You acted as if you owned him, by invaded his privacy you showed don't believe he has any rights, you didn't respect him.What to do now... I can't promise he will come back, but I know what you are doing now is making things worse. He wants space, then you give it to him. Don't call him, don't bother him leave him alone. Right now all he can think of is all the things you done wrong. He's getting on with his life, he's building a future without you. You need to do the same thing, he needs to see that you don't need him, even if you still love him. At the moment you are clingy and crying, that's not sexy, that's off putting, why would any guy want to come back to a relationship based on jealousy and tears.Give him a chance to miss you. He knows you are sorry but that's not enough. Don't date other men, don't make him jealous, but go out with your girlfriends, join the gymn, get out of the house and do something interesting. Get a new dress, haircut, change your image and start looking good. Make him want you back because you are interesting and sexy, not because you begging and crying for him to come back.Will this work, possibly, but maybe not. This way you stand a chance and if it doesn't work you will hang on to your pride and when he thinks about you, he will know you've change and he will admire your strength and determination.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 December 2011):
he's already said loud and clear that he doesn't want this relationship anymore, so I think you should try to accept it so you can move on. It's natural to feel very hurt and in pain when a relationship ends. It's normal to want that pain to end quickly, and to believe that the only way to do that is to re-instate the relationship. But actually the best way to end the pain is to go through it and come out the other side stronger, by accepting that it's over and allowing the pain to sit there until time eventually diminishes it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): I agree with the Caring Guy : your ex isn't doing this to hurt you, he's doing it because he simply just no longer cares. that's what happens when people get hurt really deep - past a certain point they stop caring.
you don't want to let 3 years fade away but he doesn't feel the same, for him it's over, he's had enough, he's out the door.
I think you should accept it's over, he wants out. He may tell you he "will call" just to placate you to get you to leave him alone for now but he says he wants his space and he's already behaving as if he's out of the relationship so you should also move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): Gut instincts, you knew your BF for three years and seemed to have picked up on trust issues.
Not even how many days and he hooked up with someone else? Fallen out of love?
I'm thinking he was playing the field and was upset to even be close to be caught.
I know it may hurt you to think of it that way; but that is too much of a 'coincidence'.
Move on, heal. Focus on Dog, You and making new memories with trusted friends.
It gets better.
*hugs&cocoa*
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 December 2011):
Reading between the lines on this one, I think that you may have had good reason not to trust him. I know you weren't together, but to be having sex with another girl just 2 days later suggests that he really didn't care about you, or that he knew her before you split.
He isn't doing this because he's hurt - he's doing it because he no longer cares for you. And he's rather shown himself up as a bit of a shabby guy for then saying that he wants his 'space' and that he'll 'contact you' - which is basically him saying that he'll come to you as a last resort, use you, then move on again.
I know you don't want to let 3 years fade, but I think it's too late for that. You might love him, but his whole reaction to this seriously suggests that he certainly does not feel the same way. He's even said it to you.
Sorry to say this, but the time has come for you to move on. You don't really have a choice in the matter anymore, it's either move on or wait for him to inevitably use you, or never speak to you again. In the meantime, I would suggest that you really work on your own confidence so that you don't end up in a situation like this again.
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