A
female
age
41-50,
*egret
writes:whats wrong with me.i hate myself for writing this but its driving me insane.about 6 years ago i finished with my ex boyfriend-i just felt like he didnt care about me at allwe had a house together-he took it out in his name but we were living in it for 2 years.when we finished i went out with another person who worked at the same place a while later.ive been with that person since and its been pure hell-hes always borrowing money off me, putting me down is emotionally cold towards me and has been for the past 5 years.two years ago i found out my other ex sold the house we had and didnt even tell me even though we had both put money into it, and recently i heard throught the grapevine that he has got married.i dont know why but the nes was like a knife in my heart.since then i have become very withdrawn and depressed.i keep feeling bad for finishing with my first ex. this makes me sound shallow and cold. i keep having regrets.i would never contact him and would never ruin anything he now has but in my mind i keep wanting to speak with him-i think im going insane. what is wrong with me. its almost like i want forgiveness from my first ex for finishing with him. but then other times i et angry with him because he sold the house and did a couple of vendictive things to me.i wish i could get these thoughts out of my head. at night i cant even sleep properly. i always have jeleous feelings about my ex-why is he happy now-why did he get married, hes happy now-i know im a loser for having these thoughts.as for my current partner i finished it the other night-he laughed saying ill be back but i know i wont because i dont want to be treated badly anymore.i feel so hollow and empty i suppose thats why i keep having these thoughts about my first ex.was he so brilliant ? why am i viewing him htrough pure rose tinted spectacles.please someone give me an explanation-i am a nice kind considerate person-i have made some very bad choices. please dont think ill of me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 You're not a loser, you got rid of who was. You made your choice with your ex, he's made his. Your life took a negative turn, his went in a separate direction. This separate direction is one that it seems as if that's where you would have liked to be. Not just with your ex, but be somewhere that you aren't now.
It's now time for you to get up and start living. You also need to rebuild what you've lost in your sense of self by being with this recent, abusive partner. Your desire comes from lacking within yourself. Happiness comes from within, when we aren't, we start abnormally attaching others to us, as far as "what could have been."
You're now free to be who you want, and build who you are. The stronger you become with a greater self confidence, the greater your ability will be in attracting the same.
A
female
reader, regret +, writes (3 June 2009):
regret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow
thankyou for such an amazing answer x
i do want to move forward with my life but at the moment i have no strength. i just keep feeling bad about everything
i do want my ex to be happy-of course hes entitled to a life aswell-i just feel so much regret over what could have been but its too late now i just have to live with the regret.
thankyou for taking the time to answer me youre an amazing person x
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A
female
reader, Original shiraz! +, writes (3 June 2009):
Not one person will think ill of you, you speak with great honesty and i for one respect you for that.
Its very hard, especially given the past you and your ex shared, buying a house together showed great commitment and showed how deep and involved you were with each other. The scare thing about the past is the power it has over your future, it can always come back, even years after, the effect it has can be damaging, your emotions show how much this meant to you your only human and the way your feeling is natural.
Everyone makes bad descions, its learning from them, dealing with them and moving away from them that can make all the difference.
The man you currently finished with has no respect for you, you dont need this and deserve a lot more, vow never to go back your worth a lot more than that. This sort of negativity in your life will only send the situation spiralling out of your control, you need to pull it in, grab your independance back and dont let it go. Your your own person, your going to deal with this your way, who says how it should be handeled? Who knows how your feeling right now, only you do and with that only you know how to alter it to the best way for you.
Dont hold too much resentment for things that are out of your hands, the past needs to stay there, dont let it wreck your future. Dont resent this man for selling the house you brought together, maybe this was his way of letting go? Maybe he couldnt stay with the memories, its hard but we all have to move on. After such a long time hes got on with his life, maybe your not there yet but only you can find that way not one person can tell you how or force you into it.
Deep down you know this needs to be sorted, its scarey when your on your own, you learn so much about yourself, see things youve been missing for so long, find yourself again. You need to do this, leave the past where it is, this man has moved on hes getting mariage, you need to move on for yourself nobody else.
Get yourself sorted first, take control, get the right head on the right attitude and go ahead and do it your way.
Its not unusual to have the feelings you are now but at some point something will have to give, you cant carry on this way, you will cause emotional damage that you dont need. Use this situation to your advantage, you could turn all this around if you want it enough, find the fight within yoursel let the past go and find who you are, this time for all the right reasons. Hes moved on, you need to do the same.
Sorry this was so long, i understand how your feeling and if you need any more help post or mail again, best of luck
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