A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dated my first love off and on for five years. After finding out that he had been lying to me and hanging out with this girl I flipped out and we broke up. He told me that he wasn't ready to settle down yet and that he needed five years to do whatever he wanted and then he'd come back and marry me but he knew that I was the person he wanted to be with and that he loved me. But I told him I wouldn't wait and moved on with my life and have now been dating my boyfriend for around 9 months. He makes me happy and treats me good but I'm not in love with him like I was my ex. He's older than me and knows more about what he wants so he's been hinting at getting engaged. But I just found out a week ago that my ex who has been dating this girl for a year is planning on getting engaged shortly and has been ring shopping. I know I shouldn't care but I can't help but to feel heartbroken and confused. I really want to call my ex and talk to him about this but I know I shouldn't because it'd really hurt my boyfriend if he found out. I just don't know what to do? I've been trying to let go for so long and for some reason I just can't help but still have feelings for him. Plus we talked three months ago and he was asking me to come see him but I wouldn't because I told him that wouldn't be right. How is he all of a sudden so into her that he wants to marry her? Should I call him? Should I stay with my boyfriend even though I'm not sure I'll ever love him the same way? Any advice at all would be great because I'm so confused right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): thank you all so much for your advice! i do love the guy i'm with right now but it's just not the same as that first love where you love them with no borders. i know that if i could knock down this barrier i could possibly fall in love with my bf. he's a wonderful guy and he sticks by me on everything. he's in love with me & i could do nothing bad enough for him to leave me.. besides cheat. he even knows about my ex getting engaged soon and he asked me if i was jealous and i said no and changed the subject. but he knows that i cared about him for a long time so it really does bother me. and no the girl he's with isn't the girl he went out with when we dated. he stayed single for a couple of months and dated around until he started dating her. and he still remained in touch with me until they got together. she was very mean to me on the phone so we stopped talking. he's seen me behind her back when they first started dating and then three months ago i tried to be friends with him and my bf knew but his gf didn't. so we were talking and stuff but then he started trying to hit on me and stuff and it was just bringing back that false hope that i had tried so hard to get rid of so i told him it was too hard for me and that i needed more time before i could talk to him like that. but the thing was he seemed just as happy to talk to me as i did him and even made a point to say that he wasn't getting married until he retired and even picked on me saying he couldn't marry me because i won't show him my tattoo. (inside joke) plus i asked him if he loved her like he loved me and he replied i care about her.. and i was like that's not answering the question. and he couldn't answer it he changed the subject. i told him when we were talking then that i would always love him and care about him. but when i started talking about us getting back together he'd just say no.. we're both happy now we don't need to mess it up. i guess that should have been a hint but he still makes a point to always honk at my house and still gets jealous if his friends talk to me. i just don't understand what she has that i don't. she's the complete opposite of me. she's short and blonde and wears too much make up and is a party girl and was known for getting around prior to dating him. it's almost like she makes his ego feel better maybe? basically.. i was one of the prettier girls in school, i made good grades, i cheered, and all the older guys wanted to date me. he was an average student, a country boy, that golfed. nobody ever saw us dating eachother. so no matter how hard he tried when we went off to college he couldn't really match up to me so maybe i made him feel inadequate? but to me he was exactly what i wanted. i didn't want the jock, or the older boys. (although now the guy I'm dating is one of the older guys that always had a crush on me.) I can't take a break from my boyfriend because he "doesn't believe in them" and he thinks if we need a break then we should just break up and he doesn't redate people. so that's not an option. my main concern now is should i call my ex and ask him about this? the only stuff that i've seen and heard about this is coming from her. and he's very anti-serious relationships. or should i just leave it alone and try to worry about my own happiness? also any good ideas for getting over a first love?
A
female
reader, lilgirly  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 i agree with eddie 100% you are soo right .you said what i wanted to say but didn't know how .
bye.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 If you don't want to stay with your boyfriend, move on. Don't confuse this with your old BF though. People say stupid things when they break up to help cushion the blow to the person they're leaving...."he needed five years to do whatever he wanted and then he'd come back and marry you"....I'm guessing he had a crystal ball????? Nobody can make that claim...and...nobody should believe it. It's a very naive statement that gets someone out of a bad situation. You didn't believe it (good call) moved on, and now you're jealous. If you didn't believe it when you broke up, what causes you to cling to it now. He's been dating her for a year too, that's not all of a sudden being into her.
Don't do things behind other people's backs. That is wrong. Maintain your integrity. If you are unsure about your current BF, tell him and take a break. Be honest.
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A
female
reader, angel of love  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 i kinda been there and done that...your first love as all say is the hardest to die...but i say that if you have the chance at love everlasting with your first love you shouldnt give it up! you should do all you can until you can't anymore...as long as the two bonding words werent said...i do...then you still have a chance...if you feel that he loves you still and that you love him you should go for it...i would if i could...i regret it everyday of my life and i know i always will....i'm with someone now but my heart already belongs to another...dont be like me...do what you got to do...
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A
female
reader, lilgirly +, writes (3 November 2007):
hey,
i am really sorry to hear your story but i think you have lost your chance with your ex 3 months ago , so why go back to him?? you have a boyfreind so don't hurt him by doing anything stupid, and i think that you love him but too busy thinking about the other guy so why don't you just forget the other man and look at this guy he might be a million times better than him, just give him a chance and try to fall in love with him(although i think you already love him but you don't know it)and you will be a million times happier.
because i don't think tha your ex will leave a woman he want to get married to for a woman who already has rejected him:S....
i am really veryy sorry .
the best of luck. by the way( things never turn out in the way we want them to turn out)chear up and relax .. take care bye XXX
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 Hi,
I understand it must feel hard and confusing now when your ex is getting engaged. It is very painful to see someone you loved for such long time to move on with someone else. Does he know how you feel, that you haven't yet gotten over him? It sounds to me though as if he was very confused about what he wanted when you broke up and if you two would get together again it might very well happen that he does the same thing again. And I think you did right in ending it with your ex, to ask you to wait 5 years is not a very small thing to ask for. Is this girl he is seeing now the same as he started seeing when you were still together?
As to your new boyfriend, my advice would be to take a time out a couple of weeks until you've sorted your feelings out. It could be that you DO love the new man but is blind to it because your heart hasn't mended yet. Or, you don't love him and then being with him can be hurtful to your recovering from your broken heart. You will continue missing your ex if you are with someone who constantly remind your heart that this is not close to the love you once felt. And not only would he be only second best to you, which is not nice to him, also would you allow yourself to settle with second best. You both deserve better than that.
Can you talk to your boyfriend about this? You don't have to tell him that you still have feelings for your ex, because you might find out that you don't, you can tell him you need some time on your own to sort your head out. You are young, allow your heart have its time to heal and then you will know what to fill it with.
Wish you all the best, keep us updated!
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