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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has a new business partner, who I sense does not like me. We are in each other's company a lot. Last night the partner made a very negative comment to me and about me, in front of my husband. My husband obviously knew I would be upset, but just continued, without commenting. Is it unfair for me to expect him to support me, or to say something positive in return? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Hi everyone,
I recently ended my engagement to a most wonderful man for one reason: his family was rude and manipulative, and he would not stand up for me. It was such a painful process; everything else about our relationship seemed so perfect. The family was so nice to my face, took me out for dinner, said nice things about me to their friends. But when I wasn't around, my fiance's mother would call him and say that I was "alienating her." Although my fiance couldn't tell me what this meant or what I could do differently, he said that he had to "believe her because she is my mother" and that asking her to please respect me (and us as a couple) more or explain herself would be "asking too much" of his family. I had so deeply believed that my fiance and I were such a permanent unit and that we could solve any problem, together, strong as a couple. But here, he couldn't stand *with* me, and was even willing to stand *against* me and not even understand why. He yelled at me for needing "someone to slay my dragons" and "having an abnormal need to be protected" and told me *I* needed to see a therapist to solve *my* problems, of which he and his family were not a part. Riiighht....the reason I need a therapist is to heal from the fact that I devoted my entire self to a person I believed had been doing the same, but really wasn't... What do you guys think? As you all understand, it was so stressful to be questioning whether I was doing something wrong, even deep down knowing I was being mistreated...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much. We are working on it and are trying hard to balance the situation
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): I agree with you. Negative comments should be handled by both parties. However, i find myself having to constantly stick up for myself. My husband enjoys being the well-liked person, and i find it cowardly to say the least.
Your husband should have taken his partner aside & set some respectful rules, whether the partner dislikes you or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): marriage is a partnership..live together die together...if someone even my girlfirend is being negative to my husband of course i'll be on his side...my husband is the same most of the time...he figures that if that person didn't do anything to him he shouldn't stick up for me..i should do it me self...flat out..i don't like it when someone hurts my husband's feelings...my feelings get hurt too...i just wish he feels the same about me and stop thinking that "he is everybody's favorite person and who cares if they hate his wife"
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): He should stand up for you, absolutely. It is total disrespect on his part to sit there and allow someone to speak badly of you and say nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): I think that pioriaman's last paragraph would have been the best way to have handled the situation. Your husband should certainly stick up for you, but to have replied on the spot may have just made the situation escalate. Hopefully he will have time to think about it, apologize to you and confront his business partner in private.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all- It was great to read all your responses, and to get fair and just advise. I know that you only get my perspective about this situation. I did not say anything to him at the time, nor did my husband. It was a personal remark and we had been socialising, not talking business at the time. I had not made any remark to the partner, but had been a welcoming hostess. Maybe something else sparked the comments!That I may need to think about, to see if there has ever been anything that I may have done to provoke the situation. I don't think I have, but maybe he is the sensitive one too!
The business side of things does complicate matters and I am very aware that my husband must feel like he is stuck in the middle- I don't want to put extra pressure on him- thus my initial question. However, I did mention it over the weekend and he is cross with me for feeling offended and for bringing it up and for making him sit in the middle. He feels that I should not care about it! I understand his point of view, but still feel let down and feel like I now need to apologise for feeling that way.I feel that just an aknowledgement of my feelings would be enough! Anyway, he is the type to think about things after the discussions. I do not necessarily need him to confront his business partner now- but just be aware of it in future!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): I have a husband who does this - has never stood up for me in front of other people - family, friends etc. in fact has, at times, totally let me down in not fighting my corner. I have lost respect for him but that is another tale. First and foremost you have the right to stand up for yourself. Insult is an insult and if your husband has a problem with you standing up for yourself maybe he could explain what the alternative is. I never believe in letting people say things without understanding your view - you don't have to rant - just calmly tell him you think his comment is inappropriate. Your husband is putting his ego in the presence of another male / business relationship before your feelings - this is disloyal and makes you wonder what else he might do to sacrifice your happiness. Where does it all end. I also pick up on something another post has mentioned that is what sort of bloke is this guy to think he has the right to be rude to his business partners wife?! He should actually be tripping over himself to be polite to you - many people would think that to win you over is to secure a relationship with your husband. Is it possible his own personal life is not going well and he could be lashing out / jealous? There could be many possibilities but do not make yourself a doormat.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 It would be very helpful to know what the comments were. This would help to answer the question and give us a clear picture of your state of mind and what was said. In a forum like this, we only get your slant on things.
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reader, dearkelja  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 I had a similar situation only the people putting me down were my husband's family. I think he should have stood up for me but it was early on in the relationship and he is not a very confrontational man. I spoke to him later in private and told him how it made me feel. He told me he was sorry but he didn't know how to handle it. In time he found the words to speak with his family (in private) and it never happened again. I agree somewhat with Richard in that your husband is wise to keep silent but he should not let this continue. If it does, it is his responsibility to support you. It may be an uncomfortable situation for him but if he doesn't say something his business partnership is in jeopardy. He has to be able to say what's on his mind to his friend AND business partner. If he can not, I don't think you should participate in the friendship/partnership.
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reader, Oblivia  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 Hi,
I don't think it changes anything that they are friends as well as business partners. I think Richard Emids advice is very clever and good, this does say a lot more about the partner than about you and you should probably just ignore most of silly comments. If it is hugely rude and blatant though, I think it could be good to say something, to stand up for you. If a friend or business partner of mine would say rude and disrespecting things about my boyfriend, I wouldn't feel good about myself if just letting it pass. I would want to make it clear that it is not ok in my and his presense to be rude like that. In certain cases, to be silent and let pass, is almost as if agreeing. I think it is good to make clear what is ok and what is not. Doesn't have to mean a huge fight or being sensitive of everything. Maybe your husband will tell him when you are not around, so to make it more less dramatic and to avoid create a prestigeous situation that Richard Emids describe?
Also, if you feel very uncomfortable in his company I don't think you should spend time around them when together. Use that time to see other friends you haven't seen for a while, or do something you feel you haven't had time for before.
Good luck!
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reader, lilgirly  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 hey,
he is your husband he has to stand up for this ... it is unfair to you .
why don't you talk to him about it?? maybe he didn't want to make a very big deal out of it(in which he must have ) .
tell him 'if you care about me soo much why didn't you say something?' .
maybe he didn't want to make a mess with a freind at work because he has to see him everyday . but it is still very wrong , don't blame him immediatly listen to him maybe he has somthing important to say.
goooooooddddddd luckkkkk bye XXX
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reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (3 November 2007):
 Hello.
It took me many years to understand that when people make disparaging remarks it says far more about them than the target of their comments. Allowing them to continue can be very revealing. You gain the upper hand.
Ignoring negative comments displays an inner self confidence. Reaction indicates sensitivity.
Rising to the rudeness of others simply creates a conflict resulting in actions and counter-actions to a timescale determined by the originator.
Some individuals thrive on making provocative remarks, they seem to enjoy the reactions the create. Ignore them and they chnage the focus of their attention.
Your husband is very wise. I think he will be very successful in business. Talk to him about how you felt and then do something to boost your inner confidence to protect you from the emotional response his partners reamrks cause. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your prompt replies and I appreciate being heard!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your prompt replies. I appreciate being heard!Just to clarify; I am with my husband and his partner at these times, because he has also become a friend of his- does this change things? It has also happened before, granted not in quite such a forthright manner! The previous times, my husband has felt that I was being too sensitive.And so I have tried hard to ignore it! This time, however I have not yet discussed it with him, in fear of starting an argument. This time he cannot argue that I was sensitive though, because it was very very blatant and I could see that he was aware of it!
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reader, Oblivia +, writes (3 November 2007):
I agree, your husband should stand by you in this. He doesn't have to have a full-blown fight with the business partner, but to clearly express to him in a polite manner that making negative comments about his wife is not ok, would not be too much to expect from your husband.
Tell him how this business partner of his make you feel, it is his responsibility to find a way to tell his partner, you should not be put in an awkward situation like this. I also think it is a remarkably rude behaviour of his partner, even if he doesn't like for whatever reasons, why does he think it is ok to treat you disrespectfully?
If your husband doesn't understand this, then maybe you shouldn't come with him when meeting the business partner. If it is important for his job to have his wife along, then he must make you feel comfortable about it, or go on his own.
Best wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): I always believe that partners should support us no matter what. A united front is always called for even if they dont agree with the outcome. He is your husband he should of stood up for you or given some sort of indication that he didnt like the way the you were treat. Have a word with your bloke and explain to him how you feel and how you want him to be in the future.
take care
x
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