A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex husband and I get along very well as parents. We have been apart for 5 years. I am in a serious relationship with another man. Several times since we parted he has come onto me sexually and I have told him no, that it isn't gonna happen. Once he chased me around a room with me smacking at him to stop. He has even apologized for those behaviors. For the last couple years, he hasn't done anything, until recently. We were together because of an event for the kids. He caught me alone and approached me sexually. he definitely tried to pressure me into doing sexual things. When I told him no, he persisted, and I felt pressured. Luckily the scene was interrupted by one of the kids. It was time to leave and he went ahead of me to my car. He got in the car and started trying to get me to touch him or let him touch me. I said firmly no, we are parents now and that is it. But he persisted greatly for any sexual favor he could think of. He even made the statement that he almost raped me earlier when we were alone. He was persistent in telling me he hasn't been with anyone else in all these years and he wanted sex. Otherwise we get alone fine as parents, but this disturbed me greatly. I was sick and nauseous after all that. My nerves were shot. My boyfriend wants to kill him, but I told him I have to deal with it. How do I deal with this? I still don't think my boyfriend should deal with it. But truthfully I don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (6 July 2011):
My advice is to not put yourself in a situation where you're alone with him. When you're trading off the kids, or when you attend a function for your children, I'd make sure to have your boyfriend, a friend, or even one of your parents with you. Just so there's someone present, which will prevent him from even thinking of - let alone attempting - such harassment.
Another factor is to limit your contact with him as much as possible. Only call or text when you've got something to cover about the kids. Keep the conversations limited in focus to your children. In other words, don't be your ex's "friend". You're co-parenting for the sake of your children, but being realistic if it weren't for the kids then you would likely never have any contact with this man. Hence, he is not truly your friend.
I think unfortunately your ex just hasn't moved on. I've experienced this myself, as my ex-wife has attempted to seduce me sexually as well. She's not anywhere close to that aggressive, though. By not being around her alone and limiting contact, I feel I forced her to "let go" and see that I had moved on.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Stop getting into those kind of situations with him. It's really not that hard.
OP just because you have kids and you'll see him time to time does not mean you have to get into a car alone with him or be in a room alone with him. You know what he'll try so don't get into those situations with him.
OP you need to grow a pair of balls. He's only doing this because he knows you won't stop him, he wouldn't be doing this if he thought you were the kind of person who make him pay. Time to be that person, time to stop wondering what you should and how you should handle this because it's fairly easy, you just have to have guts and a bit of fire. Enough of the shrinking violet act OP, you have to deal with this or he'll never stop.
If you send your boyfriend it won't change because if you somehow break up in the future then he'll just keep trying.
Next time he comes near you just say this "Don't you fucking come near me again, or I'll go straight to cops and I'll have you charged, not only that but I will go straight to my lawyer and have your custody revoked, I don't want a perv in my kids life, so get the fuck away from me and you ever touch me again and I'll do you. Look into my eyes you prick and know that I will fucking destroy your life if you so much as look at me again." Pardon my language OP, but that's what will work. Guys like him will not get the message until you spell it out to them. He knows you, he knows a weak, vulnerable you that has to come to an online forum for advice because she doesn't know how to handle this. Whereas you know exactly how you should, you just doubt whether you can. Well you can OP, you do have strength, you do have the ability to make this stop, so just do it. Enough stressing, enough fear and anguish, just "man up" and tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off.
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A
female
reader, nillnill  +, writes (6 July 2011):
Why did you divorce in the first place?
It sounds like he still has feelings for you,not only of the sexual kind, but your post only mentions the sexual part.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 July 2011):
Tell him you'll report him for sexual harassment if he continues.
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A
female
reader, tinaemd +, writes (6 July 2011):
There are times when you have to put your personal safety above showing solidarity in front of the kids. You must cut down on the times you are alone with this man.
Write him a letter explaining that his behaviour is upsetting you and you do not feel cofortable/safe when on your own with him. Divide the kids functions so that you can both attend but different events. Do not be on your own when he picks up or drops off the kids. Perhaps your boyfriend or parents or friend could drop them off if your ex will be on his own. You really need to cut one on one contact with this man out completely. If you are not on your own with him he will not be able to continue this insidious behaviour.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 He needs help. I think it best you stay away from him as much as possible. I know you are doing what you can for your children, so they will have parents but honestly, if he keeps going on like this, it will all burn to the ground. You don't need that, your children definitely don't need that. His sexual harassment is going to cause you and your children great pain if something isn't done about it. Stay away from him and tell him to get help for it.
I hope that helps.
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