A
female
age
51-59,
*eeGee255
writes:Several months ago my family "adopted" a 19 year old girl who was in need of some help and guidance to get her life back on track and graduate high school.Things are going really well, except for one thing. We dissagree on what time she should come home when she goes out on the weekend. This is acerbated by the fact that she has been on her own without parental guidance for the most part since she was just 13 years old and not used to having to answer to anybody but herself. But I have two sons of my own coming up right behind her age wise, one is 18 and the other is 17. And I worry that they will think or say, "Why do we have to be home at 12PM, when she was allowed to stay out as long as she wanted too". I have asked her to be home by 2-2:30PM but most nights she hasn't come home until between 3:00 and 5:00Am.So parents tell me do you think (as I do) that a 19 year old female should have a curfew, and if so what time should it be??I am tired of losing sleep over this, but I don't want to be unreasonable under the unique circumstances. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (6 July 2011):
GeeGee255 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I do have several legitimate reasons, like not wanting my own sons to think it is ok for them to drink and stay out all night when they turn 19. Second she had abused some drugs in the past, though it was mostly only pot. And some of the kids she did those things with are still around, like her boyfriend who is taking her to these parties.
They are both clean now, but he still drinks quite a lot when they go out which is the main reason why she was late coming home, they where waiting for him to sober up/sleep it off for a while. So while I commend him for not drinking and driving I feel like a true gentelman wouldn't allow himself to get that wasted in the first place.
But she doesn't see it that way, she just sees how far he has come from where he used to be and I have to admit, he does seems to be really trying for her and is currently going to college to be an engineer.
And lastly, I can't sleep until I know she is safe at home, and since I am not 19 years old anymore I don't bounce back as easily as she does the next day. So its a matter of respect to me.
And finally our deal was she could live here until she finished up her 12th grade classed, as long as she followed the same rules my boys had to follow for the most part. And there are only few weeks to a month left until she is done.
So I didn't that was to much to ask. These just are not the ground rules I want set for my own boys.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 July 2011):
 My rule always was "you live in my house you follow my rules"
if coming in between 3-5 wakes you that's disrespectful
I think that a 2 am curfew out of courtesy is very considerate....
if she can't follow those rules, perhaps she needs to look for a new place to live.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 July 2011):
 LOL!! Sorry about that Gee Gee! It's good that you two are talking about this though!
Good luck on whatever the two of you iron out!
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female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (6 July 2011):
GeeGee255 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS. She read the responces and REALLY liked the idea of paying rent, inorder to get out of having a curfew but can't afford it to do so yet regularly, although she does work PT for spending money.
She she wanted to know if she could pay rent for just a month to have a "do whatever she wanted to" month!
Sorry but I don't think so! lol
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (6 July 2011):
GeeGee255 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the good advise everyone...
We did sit down and talk tonight and I explained to her that it is not about me not trusting her, or wanting to control her, I am just worried about how what she does now will affect what my boys will expect to do in the near future, and she says she can understand and respect that going forward. She really is a good kid and doesn't want to me worry unecessarily. Deep down she knows I have her best interest at heart.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 July 2011):
I have a unique perspective on this, as well as a possible solution to the question.
There is a fine line here. One one hand, a 19 year old is a legal adult who is no longer a child subject to grounding or other disciplines that parents have for children. On the other, as it has been pointed out correctly, this 19 year old is being supported by others as if she were a child herself, working on things that more responsible kids accomplished at a younger age, like finishing HS at 19.
If she chafes at the idea of curfew, present the following three choices to her.
1. If she wants no curfew, then she must earn money, pay rent, and buy her own groceries and support herself like an adult does. Set the rent at something comparable to what a college kid renting a room expects to pay nowadays. If she agrees, then she is a tenant, follows cleanliness and noise standards, but has earned the right not to have a curfew.
2. If she doesn't want to or cannot afford to support herself in this way, then your support of her comes at the cost of adhering to the house rules. Curfew, checking in, and various other approvals of things and people brought into your house. Don't look at it as your treating her as a child. Simply look at it as the rules and stipulations for your support. Then lay down the law as you see fit and stick to it.
or
3. She moves out. This is the only real enforcement you have over someone who isn't a daughter. There are no longer any groundings or time outs. There is only the enforcement of what you want to have go on in your home.
If she chooses #2, sit down and draw up the rules you want her to follow. Go over each one carefully with her. Make sure this includes any searches of her room or possessions as you see fit (if she deals with a substance problem).
That's just my thoughts on the matter.
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male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Here's some input from someone who is 20. I see that she wants to come home basically whenever she is tired or is done with the party, friends or guy she is with. I understand your concern. I tend to stay out and have gotten home at 6 am or a few times later because I was drunk and was not about to drive so I just slept there. My question is would you feel better if you knew where she was even if she wasn't coming home till the early morning. I am assuming yes so maybe you can talk to her about that. The thing is if you demand she be home at a certain time you really have to stay up to enforce it otherwise it doesn't really have meaning. I think that it is far better to be comfortable she is safe so you can lessen your worrying.
If she was my daughter I would feel the same way you do but I am sure you had this phase when you were younger too so this is where an understanding has to happen so she also knows that no matter what time it is if she needs help you will be there. Definitely explain to her that you are worried and would kike to know where she is roughly so you two can work something out together. This way one person isn't barking out orders and she will feel more adult and responsibe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): well if she's living in your house, eating your food, watching your TV, using your computer, maybe even driving your car, having your money being spent on her, then heck yeah she should be expected to follow your rules!!
can you explain to her that you understand that she's been on her own since she was 13, but now things are different. Either she's a guest in your house, or else she's now part of your family (not sure what the situation exactly is). So this means working together and part of that is her following this simple rule. Maybe if you explain to her that you want her to be a good role model for your sons, she would be willing to come back earlier because she might feel that it's "nice" to be treated with the respect of being given that responsibility??? just guessing...
with your sons you could handle it a couple different ways. One is to tell them that you do want her to come home earlier and are working that out with her. another way is to tell them that she's just a house guest but not "technically part of the family" so that's why family rules that apply to them don't apply to her. (don't know what your view on her role in your life and vice versa is). Another way is to tell them that you do expect her to follow the same rules as them, but she isn't so you are going to enact some consequences just as if it would have been them. (but then you have to figure out what those are and do it).
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Hi well am not a parent but I wanted to add my input anyway if you don't mind. As a young woman myself I think what this girl is doing is really disrespectful. OK yes she is 19 therefore she is legally an adult but she is under your care and supervision and therefore she should follow your rules and guidelines. Asking her to be home by 2.00am - 2.30am is by far generous and she obviously doesn't respect your rules very much or your home.
You need to sit down and talk to her, am guessing she might have some issues because she has been left her own device for so long. But just explain to her that you don't want to boss her about it is just that you worry about her and care about her and you just want her to respect you and the rest of the family. Because you are right this is going to start causing fights between you and your sons when they reach 19. So have it out with her now and tell her you will not tolerate it any more.
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