A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex apologised in a MSG many years after we broke up but all she said was sorry things were said. A lot more than things were said and I'm not an emotional person. She went out of her way to get to me on numerous occasions because I wasn't being baited or reacting, sadly it eventually got to me.Ive never needed an apology before, I'm not easily offended or anything. Should she apologise for more and how do I react?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2018): If she was the controlling or vindictive type, this apology may be a way of extending that, bringing you back into her control. Accept it as it is and continue to move on.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (20 March 2018):
 Accept the apology and move on.
Going back over everything in the hope to hear more apologies won't change anything so what's the point?
Just leave it as it is and keep moving forwards.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 March 2018):
 Well done for not being drawn into a fight even if you did finally respond. You might want or even expect an apology but you won't get one until the othrt party feel some remorse. That won't be until they realise what hurt was done. They have to care.
Until that day keep your head up and your powder dry. Live your life fully, and not as a footnote to theirs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2018): The thing about apologies is that they can soothe your pain but they can't turn-back time. I think the mature thing to do is take the apology you received for what it's worth. If it was years ago, why are you suddenly feeling bitter?
Man-up and get-over it. You've got to move forward and live.
If you're in your mid or late 20's looking back on things done back in your teens or earlier 20's; you've got to realize all the immaturity and inexperience that was involved.
Relationships back in those years were at best trial-attempts at real romance; and trying to have a meaningful romantic-connection while transitioning into your manhood.
You have to outgrow those childish-sensitivities. You're a man now.
Come on, we all were just getting started in our years between 20 to 25. Relationships weren't quite that serious. They were clumsy, stupid things are said and done; and everyone involved didn't always use their best judgement. You were young-adults getting your footing in the adult-world; and there were bound to be some mistakes made that caused some damage. We all have regrets, but we move forward. Let the memories fade into the past.
Be a bigger man. Just forgive and move on.
Did she get you into a heap of legal trouble? Did you lose your job? Did she cause serious disruption in your family? Can you prove she slandered your name and reputation? Now these things are truly serious; and you could have sought compensation or restoration through legal means.
If she was abusive or cheated on you; seek counseling to help you get through it, if you feel you just can't shake it off. If she kept pulling you back after the breakup. Who's fault is that? You're a big-boy, you could have told her to get lost.
Persistently demanding an apology for everything she has ever done to you is ridiculous. You just simply have to grow-up and get on with your life. If you're being a man-boy and simply pouting and want to punish her for the past; then the problem isn't with her. It's your own immaturity that won't let you move on. You're trying to re-establish a faux-relationship by using guilt as the way. Who's baiting now?
Seriously, who do you think you're hurting by withholding forgiveness? You've locked yourself in the past. Frozen in time.
Truth is, she didn't have to apologize at all, or she could just take back her apology and let you stew in it. You have maintained continuous contact with her ever since; when you should have cut all ties. Blocked messages and calls, and blocked her from social media accounts. You kept your own wounds open. Don't blame her entirely!
Don't give anyone that much power over your feelings. You have to let some hurtful things be a lesson; and use what you've learned as a tool for survival. It makes you stronger and wiser. Not a cry-baby she can dangle on a string.
Be in control of what hurts you; don't let the pain be in control of you. End all contact once and for all. Watch how your strength will return. Disconnection will help you let go of the past.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (20 March 2018):
 Why? Why after all this time are you still letting someone that has been out of your life bother you? Affect you? Anger and bitterness are as the other aunts have stated like a slow poison, slowly circling through your body, making you weak and sicker until they finally will destroy you. Let it go OP. She shouldn't matter to you anymore and if you are letting her get to you then she is still winning. It shouldn't matter what she thinks/cares/or does at this point in your life. Block her every way you can and forget it. Whatever her reasons are for reaching out to you, you shouldn't have to care.
My ex husband from almost 35 years ago still tries to reach out to me every once in awhile. He has had 4 wives since me. When he does try to contact me, I know he's up to no good. I don't CARE what he does anymore and he has no business knowing what is going on in my life. He'll tell anyone that will listen that I was "the love of his life and how much he screwed up with me. " WHO CARES???? I certainly don't and you shouldn't care either.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (20 March 2018):
I agree with everything that YCBS has said. I'll only add one thing. The best revenge is living happily and successfully. How can you be happy with all this bitterness and resentment?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 March 2018):
 I read something somewhere once which has stayed with me to this day as it rang so true. I am going to share it with you in case it helps you.
Holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Tip the cup away and accept you had a choice in your past. She MAY have played mind games with you and goaded you, but YOU chose to not see her for what she was and walk away from the situation. Accept you were both equally involved and draw a line under it all.
Life is too short for long term grudges. Go out and enjoy it. Step 1: forget about your ex. It happened. It's over. Learn lessons and move on.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 March 2018):
 Why is she still being able to contact you after all these years? Block her immediately!
The apology means nothing now and you should just toss it aside like you would an empty soda can. I think she's trying to bait you into talking to her so that she can start something all over again. There's absolutely no other reason to reach out to an ex.
Not responding to her is the best response
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (20 March 2018):
 You are so incredibly lucky, a figure from the past had the decency to apologize to you for their mistakes. Do you have any idea how many people would kill....KILL....for a gift like that? But instead you want more because that's not to your liking.
In life you will hardly every get an apology for the many harms and backstabbing people cast on you but you have to allow yourself to get to the point where you can be OK with that and move on.
The harsh truth here is that this woman owes you absolutely NOTHING in life. She is not obligated to apologise to you for anything she ever did to you. Life doesn't always give us what we want. Let go of the harm she has caused you and learn from it. Forgive her for your own well being and get on with life. You two probably ended so you could find the woman you were really meant to be with.
The one who controls your emotions, controls you, remember that.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 March 2018):
 No, it's been MANY years, so LET it go and GET over it.
Sorry, OP wallowing in some past fight/baiting you etc. its ONLY holding you back. SHE is still (all these years later) living rent free in your head. Being mad at her still, feeling you are OWED an apology etc. IT'S NOT improving your life! And it doesn't affect hers either.
Why you still keep in contact is beyond me. I would cut such a person OUT of my life and "pretend" they had gotten a one-way ticket to Mars.
She didn't APOLOGIZE to you for YOUR sake. OK?! It was to assuage her OWN guilt for having being a twat towards you. That way she could put in the MINIMUM effort to make HERSELF feel better.
Don't let all that anger STEW within you. An apology will NOT really improve your life, it will NOT erase what she DID to you and HOW you reacted.
Instead of all this bitterness and feeling you are owed some GRAND gesture from her - LOOK back and LEARN from what happened and NEVER let thing go that way ever again. As best as you can. At least, your OWN action.
YOU can not control what others do, say, feel or think.
And you can probably wait until the cows come home for that apology, is it really WORTH giving HER all that power? All those emotions?
Living with regret and bitterness... it lowers your "quality of life" and it's a WASTE of time.
Be the best YOU, you can be. Live life as positively as you can and don't carry around "garbage baggage".
Chin up and look at the bright side of life :)
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