A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am feeling very guilty at the moment. I'm going to try and keep this short.I broke up with my ex about 6 months ago, this was due to her being abusive towards me, she would hit me and emotionally treat me bad. I loved her very much and wanted to help her but I had no choice but to leave. My ex would then turn up at my house after she had been out for the night and want to come in. I would always let her in and we would end up having sex (i only have a single bed and we have to share it). I always regreted it the next day beacuse I knew I couldn't have a relationship with her (I do still care for her) and I knew it messed with her head. This happended a number times, she would turn up uninvited and then things would happen. The next day she would nearly always flip out, violently sometimes.Well we met again just before christmas at a party and at the end of the night (i was drunk) I kissed her and it happended again, it's like i get caught up in the passion and forget the consequences. She says she loves me and has been telling people that I have been using her for sex, I hate myself for my poor self control. Why don't i think?is what I have been doing really bad? please be honest.How can i make sure this does not happen..
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 You are both using each other, the difference is that you are the better person of the two. You love her and you are acting out of passion, BUT in NO WAY does that give you the license to have sex with her, because you are officially broken up. You know what kind of a person she is, she does not respect your emotions and never did. She was abusive towards you and is still abusing you emotionally and using the sex against you. is is lying to you when she says she loves you, because she is telling everyone else that you are using her, that is an awful thing to do. What she is doing is horrible, BUT, being the guy, the onus is on YOU to stop it, otherwise she will continue saying that you are "using her" and you cannot stop her in any way.
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Me." Keep this in mind now. When she shows up at your door, do not allow her to enter, no matter what she says/pleads. If she insists, tell her that you will call the police. That is the only way to deal with her. Block her number from your phone, dont call her or send or reply to any messages or mails.
Remember, your relationship is not retrievable anymore. I am sure you had some hope that things could work out again, which is why you slept with her, but its time to wake up now and realize that its OVER, for good.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Yes, it's bad . And you HAVE been using her. I agree that it takes two to tango, and that she instigated the "reunions", it's also true that you had sex with her fully knowing that they were only moments of weakness not leading to reinstate the relationship as she attempted to do. And , being caught in the moment and overwhelmed by passion, it's a good excuse for ONCE, if you keep repeating the same " mistake ", then it's not a mistake anymore, it's a willing intention. If you know that when you do A, B happens... then stop doing A. When people show at your door uninvited, you are not obliged to let them in.
The practical solution now is going no contact, block her from phone and social networks. First, e-mail her and tell her that she is not to come and see you anymore ever, and if she does, you 'll have to call the police.
But in the meantime, start working on your asseriveness and impulse control, - otherwise you will repeat the same dynamics in different scenarios.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2012): It takes two, you haven't been using her because she is quite happy with the arrangement and turns up at yours. 2 consenting adults. As long as you haven't let her think you will get back together.
It has to stop though, you have to avoid her, not answer her calls, ask her to stop coming round.Tell her you have moved on and want to let her do the same.
No need to be nasty, but be firm and stick to it.
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A
female
reader, shazz1991xoxo +, writes (23 March 2012):
 You need to stop having intercorse with her now, other people will start to think that u are using her and u will get a bit of a reputation (not a good one) which may affect you chance of future happiness with someone, xoxo good luck
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A
male
reader, Kyle007  +, writes (23 March 2012):
It's bad.
You need to have the balls to turn her away, tell her its over. And I always tell this to people when they break up: unless you have shared custody or work together or some other forced situation, do NOT contact them!!!
Now, if you don't fancy the direct, manly approach, there is a less direct and sneakier approach. Simply let her know that she cannot come around anymore because you have a new girlfriend. Or even tell her you got back together with an old one. Let her know she cannot come around anymore, your girlfriend might be there.
This worked for me brilliantly once when I had an ex-girlfriend that just could not let go. Once I emailed her that, I never saw or heard from her again save one "good luck" email.
Now, if she gets violent, you need to call the police. Nothing prevents a booty call better than being taken away in handcuffs.
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