A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few days ago, I got a series of rather disturbing test messages on my cell phone from a number I didn't recognize. After a little searching around, I found out that it was an ex-girlfriend whom I was on bad terms with. Long story short, the messages said that she found out she was HIV-positive and that I need to warn any others that I may have been intimate with since our breakup, which was about 9 months ago. Since then, we havn't talked and I moved on into a new relationship with my current girlfriend of 8 months now, who knows about my ex and the circumstances behind out breakup.I've already gone in for a blood test and will get the results in a week or two. Also, I've discussed my situation to only one person, and they agree with my reasoning that it's best to find out the results first instead of causing a panic. However, the anticipation is killing my concentration at work and even my girlfriend is noticing a change in my mood. I've avoided answering any text messages and phone calls from the ex because they've been anywhere from hateful to downright weird (messages saying "You deserve what you got!" to "I don't know how many people I may have killed").I'm absolutely baffled by my ex's behavior in this matter and I'm at a loss as to how to tell my girlfriend if the results come back positive. I'm just afraid that she and her family will hate me for this if the results come back positive. I think I'm doing fairly well as far as remaining calm and going on with life as usual. I'm just looking for some ways to break the news to my girlfriend and my family in the event of getting back bad news.
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at work, ex girlfriend, hiv , my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): Some people prefer to cut to the chase and give thier advice before reading other aunt's and uncle's opinions so as thier own opinions are in no way swayed to agree.
I find that this works as well. Some aunts and uncles just like to reciprocate and keep in touch. Perhaps if you aren't particularly interested in staying in touch, you should make a more final statement saying so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone. Not to sound rude, but I think people should read the column. I've already written my response as to what's happened.
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female
reader, fashionablylostinga +, writes (31 March 2008):
 look, one of the reasons she might be acting like she is is she has just found out that she she will be leaving life sooner then she had planned and you have to try and over look how she has been acting just try and understand how she might be feellling right now..now with your problem, all you really can do is wait and pray.. if things come back negative then great, maybe god is trying to tell you something. if they come back positive well, then you need to tell every person who you had sex with since her so they can go and be checked.. it is not your falt it has happened you caught this from her, but maybe by this happening you will now use pretection.. if you do not want to when you are in a relationship you both should both go and be tested firs beforre haveing unpretected sex.. good luck.
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female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (13 March 2008):
 First, get the facts. If it is negative, tell your girlfriend anyway what your ex has been doing. She is obviously still venting on the past relationship regardless of whether it is true or not. Don't lose your cool.
If it is positive, tell everyone...girlfriend and family.
You'll need support of everyone no matter what.
I pray this isn't the case. Do keep in touch.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): I think thats wise now you have tested clear, no reason to cause her any upset. Not sure how restraining order would work or even if it would be worth it - what are the chances she will come visiting?
True she may have been playing a vile trick or she may actually have HIV. Fortunately thats not your problem, if I were you I would change my number and have nothing more to do with her, if she trys to contact you in any other way, just bare in mind what she has put you through and be firm but fair....perhaps think about the restraining order if she causes you any more bother.
Take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Oh, without a doubt dear! I can only imagine the anxiety you must have felt.
It could have been a joke for all we know; some people like to play sick jokes. If the restraining order is something you're seriously thinking about, go for it. Be prepared for a good reason, though, not just 'she has HIV' because that's discrimination...if she really is, that is. You have no proof that she is anyway. :(
Yea, I don't see any reason to get your girlfriend all riled up...just play it safe from now on. :)
As I always say...'Don't be a fool. Wrap your tool'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Congrats for being Negative. Bad news however, HIV tests can result in a "false negative" so to be careful, I'd check again in another 3 months. Don't tell your current girlfriend, since she wouldn't have it either if you are negative. If you decide to, she should understand, because it wouldn't be your fault, it'd be your ex-gf's
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionphiatiger: no, I havn't told my girlfriend. At this point I'm thinking I shouldn't. As for my ex, I'm seriously considering a restraining order of some type. But we both live in different states, so I'm not sure how that whole thing would work.
Either way, this little scenario that she brought upon my life caused me a lot of sleepless nights, anger and frustration. I'm truly done with my ex in every sense. I'm still in disbelief that she would be so spiteful even after we ended our relationship 9 months ago.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 March 2008):
 What a weight off your shoulders! Thanks for the followup, and take care!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Congrats mate- thats excellent news and a great weight off your shoulders too!!! Now you can start living and concentrating on life with your girlfriend and forget alla about that sicko!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Im so pleased for you. Did you tell your girlfriend in the end?
Just goes to say she is a very bitter person. Stay away from her. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday I got back the results: Negative.I'm not sure what else to think. Maybe she is positive and I just got lucky or this really was just some sick joke she decided to play on me. Either way, I'm still not talking to her. This just gives me more reason not to.Thanks to everyone for the encouragement.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): hi I'm really sorry to hear about the situation that you are in at the moment. All you can do is to stay as positive as you can until you get the results back and then you will know one way or another! Your ex sounds like one cruel sick b***h! No one deserves to be treated like that - no matter how badly things ended with them!
You should change your cell number too and make it ex-directory where your ex can't get hold of it. Maybe inform the police also of her behaviour, show them her messages etc and they may warn her about her crazy psychotic behaviour towards you. No doubt the way she is carrying on isn't helping you and what you are going through right now.
I hope all will turn out for the best for you and your g/f x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): If she has done this out of being malicious sue her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Im hoping that you can trust that something this serious wouldn't be the ex's idea of a cruel joke?!
I have to say that the messages she is sending are quite possibly down to how crap she is feeling about it all, obviously, she has just found out too and many people are VERY bitter before they come to terms with the facts. She sounds bitter to me - maybe she doesnt even know where she got it from so has nobody to aim her anger at.
I really hope that your results come back negative. I think you should let your girlfriend in on whats going on. You need to support each other through this and you might as well deal with it together rather than having to tell her you have given her HIV when you, yourself are still in shock if you get bad news. I know you dont want to cause panick but nor do you want her thinking that you are keeping things from her. Especially things that concern her this much.
As for her family, you werent to know..... You should have used protection but perhaps your plan was to be with her long term and either way that can not be changed now. Again I will warn you of the bitterness that comes before acceptance. Good Luck. Please tell your girlfriend, even if you just show her the messages.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 March 2008):
 The incubation period for the aids virus is 6 months.
If you are in the best of health and have not been sick , then it could be a cruel joke.
There are some cases where the person is a carrier only but they do not exhibit any symptoms of aids.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): im a female, ex revenge-type-person or whatever you call it. from the details you've given it sounds like shes playing you. she knows telling you that you have hiv will a)get your attention back after such a long time b)put you her in power, because youll feel like sh*t and.. c)it gives her the right to be mad at you. If she really had hiv yes she would be mad as hell, but it would be more likely for her to call or come round in person and tell you or shout at you, text is way to impersonal for real anger - its just to get attention. also, shes telling you to tell all people youve been with, that shows you shes focusing on women youve been seeing since your break up and she basically wants to f*ck up your chances of happiness and embarrass you. All the hateful and weird messages are more ways for her to keep in contact with you and maintain your attention, by trying to make you angry. best advice for you is to continue ignoring her completely, trust me, any attention you give her will just encourage her to do this type of thing again whenever she wants a reaction from you. everyone is different, i know, but this exact type of revenge crossed my mind today, when i say exact i mean i was going to lie to an ex that he'd given me an std but rather turn up at his house and wait till his new gf came out with him then do it - yes i know how cruel, but as mentioned earlier im reformed, i forced myself not to do it because its been 4 weeks clean without any revenge activity, its just hurtful and immature, i learnt and she will one day.99.9% sure you dont have hiv. you may be thinking how dare i say this when i know nothing, but this ex of yours is clearly a headcase like i used to be and nothing from a crazy woman, not even the claims of having aids can be taken seriously- not in the manner she told you anyway. youd be suprised how far some would go to hurt others. good luck and do post the good news xxx
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female
reader, Just.me  +, writes (4 March 2008):
I'm so sorry you are going through this ordeal. I think that you should tell your current girl friend the truth. She knows something is up she will be upset with you if she finds out that THIS is what you were hiding from her. You can deal with it together. As for your ex, she is probably upset with her own situation and is taking it out on you. If it is a real problem, change your number. Good luck, I hope things work out for the best.
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male
reader, Passthrough +, writes (4 March 2008):
 Best of luck. You're in a tough position, and serious news like this is VERY irresponsabily spread via TXT when it really should be face to face or phone conversation, preferably with a doctor.
I wouldnt tell anybody untill you know for sure. In the mean time, live in a hole, by yourself... Metaphorically. Feign sickness, just dont spread the news prematurely... Good or bad.
There is plenty of help out there for HIV support, this forum is a good one but I'd imagine not as particularly HIV-oriented as others... Explore your options with Google.
Also, be supportive to the Ex, even if it hurts you. Shoot her a couple good notes, forums, etc... You know she went through what you are now, and it isnt fun alone.
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female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (4 March 2008):
 hey there - first of all i just want to say im sorry - only a fraction of us can know wat you are going through and you are so brave right now. second of all, i agree with the last post - keep those messages - i know you may not want to, but its right, they could come in useful in a future situation. it is completely up to you whether or not to tell your current gf right now - as you are right, this could cause panic for no reason. but obviously, until you get the results, you should try and either avoid sex, or use extra protection - just incase you know? to be honest, i do think that you should tell your gf, due to the stress you are being forced to carry alone. also - in the slim case that you may be infected, the news will come as less of a bombshell. she should understand, people in secure relationships often use other protection rather than condoms, such as the pill. tell her, and explain to her how you are feeling, and ask her for her support. this will also put her mind at ease as to why you have been acting 'off' lately. if she loves you, im sure she will understand and try and help you in any way she can. until the results, i do wish you all the best, and i will pray for you. i would like to hear how you get on and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me. good luck - you are so brave xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): First off, I am so sorry you are in this position, it is just devastating and to be honest, I don't know what to say. Just sorry.
It is going to be one of the hardest patches in time you probably have to spend. So try not to beat yourself up too much if your not coping to well, I don't think many people would.
Others will give you alot of advice I am sure on how to get through it. You need to wait for the final results because you don't quite know just yet what and how much your going to be dealing with.
The only other suggestion I have, is if you have the ability to save the nasty text messages your ex has sent. I just have a gut instinct that if you have those messages saved and safe, they could come in handy for a number of purposes.
ONE, if all is good and clear, you may have to explain your behaviour to your girlfriend and she would understand the horror your were going through.
TWO, not sure about your country, but in mine, if your ex knew she was infected and splet around, she could be charged with MURDER!. Just a thought!
So I suspect you could have a number of purposes for keeping all the information you have at the moment about her.
All the best thoughts and prayers that the results are okay. xxxxx
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 March 2008):
First of all, I hope this is some sick revenge fantasy on the part of your ex, in which case you'll be fine, other than the loss of all the hair you've pulled out from your head and the realization that sex can carry the risk of STDs.
You should have the answer back in less than a week if you're a bit persistent with the clinic that is doing the test. The ELISA test should only take 2-4 days for an initial result....
Here's a link to answer some simple questions about the test and exposure risk:
http://www.webmd.com/hiv-aids/human-immunodeficiency-virus-hiv-test
If the result is negative, then you should be comfortable with knowing that you haven't passed the virus on, as you state it's been 9 months since you were with your ex.
You should call for your test results every day, starting tomorrow, to make sure that you get the result as soon as it's available. Sometimes, a clinic will not get around to calling someone if the result is negative, due to all the demands on the staff. Again, negative meaning that the blood sample did not show signs of HIV infection. If the result is positive, meaning that there are HIV antibodies present, any clinic worth going to will notify the patient right away.
It sounds like a really nasty trick to play, but it is possible that you are being tricked. A truly responsible person would call you directly and tell you the bad news, or have their doctor/clinic do the notification.
If you're really having a problem with dealing with this, develop a bad case of the 'flu' and call in sick to work and your friends... you should only have to wait a couple of days....
Goodness, what an awful thing to go through! All the best and good luck..
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): It's always good to hope for the best; think...not positive, but still positive, you know? If you ARE (and let's hope you're not) positive, then you could ask your doctor or local clinic for a brochure on how to effectively tell your girlfriend. Of course it's going to be devestating; that's the effect of the illness...but it's better to know and be safe.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): I think the best thing to do, given the fact that your worry seems to be causing you so much stress, is to tell your current girlfriend the truth. Not only does she deserve to know what she may have been exposed to but she can also offer you support regarding your results. I think your friend's response in 'not causing a panic' is slightly irresponsable. If you and this girl have had unprotected sex then you 100% need to let her know.
She's gonna figure out at some point that something major is on your mind and I'm sure you's rather let her know that it's to do with you rather than her.
Should your results (please god!) be negative then you can both celebrate together knowing that you are safe. If they are positive than you can work together towards ensuring she is safe.
As to your ex well. what can i say! She sounds really mature! ...... I suppose you need to bear in mind that she just got the shock of her life and is probably angry and will direct that anger, not neccessarily to those who deserve it, but to those who she can direct it to ....one of those people being you! She probably has no idea who infected her and is lashing out at known partners. I wouldn't feel personally aggreived by anything she has to say.
I really hope you sort this out. I'm always online should you need any support adn i understand totally that this is a huge matter in both yours and the lives of you ex and current partners.
Midge xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): It will be difficult to tell your girlfriend, but just sit her down and explain it to her. if she doesnt accept it then she probably isnt the one you want to be with
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