A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 24 year old married man, who has a terible conundrum before him.I have been married to my wife for about a year and a half know (known her for about 5 years), and things are kind of going downhill. We're really starting to find the things that annoy one another, what we really like about one another, and how the flow of our lives will be as we grow older. The engagement went ok for the most part as well, except for some isues having to do with me feeling sufocated by my fiancee which caused us to drift apart for awhile.Unfortunately, those feelings have come back, and it's mainly because whereas we may like the same things (same movies, comic books, RPG's, etc) there are quite a few differences(i.e. I smoke, she doesn't and hates it; I'm a bit OCD when it comes to planning, she doesn't understand why I can't go with the flow; I feel I'm still young and want to enjoy my Friday nights, she doesn't like going to parties and says she's tired).To compound this problem of drifitng apart, enter: my best friend. She has a boyfriend, and she and I hang out twice almost every week. We have a great time, and it's a time where I feel I can really be me (I smoke cigarettes with her, tell her things I may choose not to tell my wife, discuss things I need an impartial third party on, etc.). She has been going through a rough patch, she is close to graduating college, and we've kind of been one another's emotional support for the past year or so. She has a boyfriend who is a good friend of mine, and I resepect him. Then everything changed at a party this past weekend.My best friend and I are talking alone at this party at her house, and sudenly out of left field she begins extolling to me how much she loves me, how she wishes she could be with me always, how if only we had met one another before we decided to finalize things with our signifigant others, how she hopes someday down the road that we may eventually be able to be together. Essentially she spends the better part of and hour validating a whole lot of feelings that I had, and thought was just a crush on my Best Friend that would eventually fade. But what she said only reinforced it, and made me tell her how I felt the same way and whereas my marriage wasn't failing, it was no spring picnic, and how I'd want to spend the rest of my life with her as well if I could. Then we did the unthinkable.I won't sugarcoat it, or lie, we kissed. Mutually given and accepted. and then roceeded to talk some more about how we were both relieved that we weren't imagining things. We parted ways with her saying that we shouldn't let this affect us or our friendship, and we could still be the best of friends.But now it's today, and these feelings are very much in full force. I love my best friend, and she loves me...but I also don't want to hurt my wife, nor make my family think that they wasted all this money getting us two kids married, only to divorce and have wasted all that time. There are also factors of mutual friednships my wife and I have acquired and damaging those, as well as the friendship that I have with her boyfriend and the one that she has with my wife.I'm just so confused, and unbalanced about this; I just need some advice. Please. I'm sure the answer is simple, and something I don't want to hear, but I need help.Thank you.~ Married But In Love With Best Friend
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I know this was origally written over 2 years ago. But I hope that by writing this out it not only helps me, but perhaps someone else.
I have been married for over 5 years and I have a 4 year old son. I'm not happy and have not been happy in my marriage for as long as I can remember. I almost wander was I ever really in love with my husband or was he just someone that stayed around.
My best friend, will just call him George. He and I have been friends for over 9 years. Actually he and my husband are also friends, but nothing to the magnitude to what George and I are. I have always had feelings for him, but I burried it so deep down so that nothing nor no one could break it out. George is always the one I run to when something is wrong, and he knows how bad my marriage is. It's not that my husband is physically abusive, but he is very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. But I stay becuase that is what your suppose to do...right? I have a child to think about and to be honest as much hell as my husband causes me I worry about him. i don't think he would surrvive if I left him.
About 4 months ago, I called George crying, my fight with my husband was really bad and I needed him. He calmed me down as he always has and told me that everything would work out as he always does and that was that. About 5 minutes after we hung up the phone I got a text from him. It said I love you. Now a back ground on that. i have been telling George for 9 years that I love him and the one and only time he told me was after I was in a bad car wreck close to two years ago. It was the best feeling hearing it back from him. I know he loves me and have gotten to a point that I don't need to hear it to know it, but to hear it was, well it took my breath away. Anyway, the test read "I love you". This being the 2nd time him saying was again amazing and I sent back that I loved him as well. Then came the life changer. He said "No, I'm in love with you and have always been.". I froze and actually dropped the phone.
People have always asked both of us and even my husband as questioned our relationship a time or two, but we have always blown it off. Neither of us admitting our feelings, mostly because we both thoguht we were alone. At that moment, my life stopped and everything just stood still. I was so scarred that it was a joke or that someone else had his phone. But it wasn't a joke and he does love me. But the love we have for one another is unlike any I have ever experienced, read about, or seen! I wish there was enough room for me to explain how much love there is between us. There is no limit to what we can and do talk about. We had a few rough patches in the first month, but it's past.
And yes, we are sleeping together and yes I am still married.
I have no clue what to do from here. I know that I love George and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with this man. But I have a child to think about and this man that I married to think about.
I wish there was an easy button for this question, but there is not. Just follow your heart and hopefully like mine it will lead you to where you need to be. That is what I am holding onto. I am holding on to my faith and the love that I share with this man that it will lead me to where I need to be.
A
female
reader, Confizzled  +, writes (8 October 2009):
I know its a little late... but i read this and had to share. I know exactly what your going through. My best friend and i went to school together and even then there was something between us we just never acknowledged. Well, after 9 years, whatever it is that was there is still there... only know we both know what it is. The problem was, we went different ways in life and never built what we had. We still kept in touch talked about maybe having a relationship, but something would always get in the way. So, we both grew tired of waiting for the other to change location and lifestyles, and we both married other people. Needless to say, I am still very much in love with my best friend and he is also still in love with me. Now, I pretended that everything was ok and we were just friends but now both of us are separated from our spouses. My husband, however, is doing a fantastic job at fixing the issues.... now at this point, i do not believe in divorce unless my spouse is cheating... which hes not... but part of me wishes that he would so i can have that chance with my best friend that i was too busy for in the past..... i dont really have an answer for your issue other than i hope it works out for the best, but i just wanted you to know your definately not alone out there in that regards...
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 March 2008):
 Marriage is not a bed of roses. There are plenty of thorns and you need to work at it.
No marriage is perfect, for each of us have our own idiosyncrasies.
We need to adjust and accept our partners different habits and co exist under the framework of marriage. It is like a give and take situation.
When there is love, everything is possible.Love is what binds us together.
Without love, the marriage will soon break apart as you will see all the faults of your partner .
We should try our very best to make right what is wrong in our marriage but if you felt that there is nothing you can do about it and impossible to make it work , then I am afraid there is no other way than to go separate ways.
You may love your best friend because you do not stay together. Those conditions of attritions are not there when you live apart.
What if you married her and the marriage repeats itself and becomes like what you are going through now? You come back to the 1st base.
What you should do is to re focus on your wife and make your marriage work.
Think back in time when you first love her. How much you wanted to be with her .You could always work things out with her or compromise .You cannot have it all your way.
Because you see another beautiful bird in the jungle , you want to have her. If you do that, you can never last in your marriage.
When you decided to marry her, you marry her for good. For such small differences, you want to give her up.
You may not find her true value and she could be a diamond while you throw her out and exchange for some other less value stones.
If some where down the road after you have got rid of her , you have remorse and think she is the better one , you will be too late.
Think carefully until you have come to the dead end , then only decide wisely .
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