A
male
age
41-50,
*etermined
writes:my ex and i have were together over 4 years. we have a beautiful little girl, an engagement, 2 dogs, a house, joint bank accounts, etc. things were rough about 2 1/2 years in, we fought constantly and i split up with her, then dated another woman for a VERY short time, but did not have sex with her. this really hurt her either way and i regret it with all my heart. i broke her trust. i took a couple months to myself and came to the realization that i really loved her and wanted her back for good. she came back willingly but could never get over what had happened. that made things rough once again and the fighting continued. she left me about 6 weeks ago and said she doesn't ever want to come back because we make each other miserable. we stayed together for 4 years for a reason, we were happy for a very long time and loved each other madly, she doesn't see that now because she's still angry with me, but in time i think she will. she dated another man just like i did, just for a couple dates and nothing more, that's over now and she spends the majority of her time with me , though he still calls and she ignores it. 6 weeks later and i am no longer devastated. i see things so clearly and am making a lot of changes in my life to make our relationship better and regain her trust. i have had a complete change of heart. sometimes she is very willing to come over and cuddle and talk with me for hours, other days the lingering anger shows it's face and she tells me she won't come back for a very long time, if ever because too much damage has been done. sometimes she has no problem with me giving her affection, other times she says not to touch her because we aren't together anymore. somedays she says that we should spend time apart and only talk if it's about our daughter, somedays (like tonight) she will spend the night after work. she is very confused she says that since we've split up before and it didn't work the second time that she wants to make sure that the changes i'm making are longterm before she will come back to me and attend counseling with me. she still loves me without a doubt. i have no problem waiting and putting in months of effort, i intend to cross every path necessary until i've done all i can. i just want my family back together. any advice on how to handle this situation further? time apart is the only advice i can usually get but i cannot regain her trust if i don't keep her close.
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male
reader, determined +, writes (4 February 2008):
determined is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the support everyone. we have been spending a lot of quality time together lately and i believe we are making very good progress. i just have to keep trying and to be patient when she wants her space. some days i know that she wants to come back, other days she will get upset at the dumbest things and i can tell that she needs more time to get over all that has happened.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Keep improving yourself. Figure out why the petty arguments are happening. When you disagree, it's not an invitation to argue. A disagreement is not a challenge to prove one person is right and the other one is wrong. It's simply two people, with their own thoughts seeing things in a different way. The challenge in your relationship is having to learn to discuss to come up with a solution that works for both of you, instead of trying to win. If you have a winner, then you have to have a loser. Caring for someone, you don't want that person to feel as if they're wrong, or have lost. Respect the differences between the both of you. You love her, because she's not like you. She has her own personality, beliefs, and thoughts. Respect those, and learn how to communicate effectively. With improving yourself, keep it up. Positive change is always step in the right direction.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (31 January 2008):
 Hi
I have so been in this situation before. Only difference was we had only been together a year when we split because of always arguing, and he did sleep with the woman he was seeing after me a few times, but it was purely sex he said, even though she wanted more than he could give her and he was honest with her that it was because of his feelings for me. But we got back together after a few months and i will be honest, i found it real hard to get my head round him moving on so quick. I think he met her about a month after we split. And it lasted about 5 or 6 weeks, then he stopped seeing her about a month before we got back on talking terms. We then stayed mates for about 2 months and got on so well that we gave it another go. When she txt him to ask how he was, he told her he was back with me and she said she knew he would get back with me and to never contact him again and delete her number. So that was that done and dusted. That was last november. Since december, money problems he had caused a lot of arguments again and we split nearly 2 weeks ago. We are on talking terms, nothing to be bitter about, but he wants to get back together (but not live together yet, he had been stopping with me whilst his house was done up) but i'm petrified!
I suggested to him about counselling, because we both have our own children and i refuse to go down the arguing road again. Maybe you 2 are a bit argumentative like us?
He says its hard for him at the moment because he doesnt know where he stands or how i feel and i honestly cant tell him! because i dont know, part of me knows we CAN get on at times and possibly we could work it out where we stop the arguments as they start but part of me is terrified of us not being able to achieve that and splitting a third time? I expect your ex feels much the same.
The problem with the woman will pass though, i dont have a problem with that now. I accept that he thought i would never speak to him anymore at the time, and his head was really messed up, and he said he needed a confidence boost at the time due to the horrible things we used to say to each other during rows. We could be real nasty words wise!
All i would say is, give her time. Do exactly what you are doing and dont pile on too much pressure.
I cant be pushed into anything anymore than your ex, and you will scare her off for good if you make her decide one way or the other just yet.
Patience is a virtue as they say!
Good luck.
C xxxx
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A
male
reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (31 January 2008):
How would I handle what you two are going through? Both of you are in the wrong,as two wrongs,your and hers, don't make a right.You split from her and dated another woman for a while,no sex. Well, I beg to differ with you,any togetherness with someone outside of you marriage is sex,touching, hugging, and kissing, what do you call that, I call it sex no matter how you want to slice it. She did the same thing too,so the both of you cheated,and had sex outside of the marital relationship. Neither of you can restart the relationship without a heart felt forgiveness,and really forgive each other. Forget the blame,and learning to Re-love is the game.
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A
male
reader, determined +, writes (31 January 2008):
determined is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks, yes, we are around each other everyday and i continue to show her how much i love her, though some times she will resist and says i'm too pushy. i am also learning how to defuse our arguments rather then feed them and let them escalatei would love for us to live together again, with or without the sex, but she refuses to right now, however she is staying tonight because of a snowstorm that's coming tonight and she needs to get up for work at 4am, its just easier for her and my daughter that way. and i would also love to do counseling. she wanted to for a while but i refused, now i want to go and she is refusing because "couples counseling is for couples" and we aren't together anymore. she is aware that i want to go but everytime i bring it up she gets upset because of my "pushiness"so many mixed signals, were are both very confused right now
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A
male
reader, determined +, writes (31 January 2008):
determined is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks, yes, we are around each other everyday and i continue to show her how much i love her, though some times she will resist and says i'm too pushy. i am also learning how to defuse our arguments rather then feed them and let them escalatei would love for us to live together again, with or without the sex, but she refuses to right now, however she is staying tonight because of a snowstorm that's coming tonight and she needs to get up for work at 4am, its just easier for her and my daughter that way. and i would also love to do counseling. she wanted to for a while but i refused, now i want to go and she is refusing because "couples counseling is for couples" and we aren't together anymore. she is aware that i want to go but everytime i bring it up she gets upset because of my "pushiness"so many mixed signals, were both very confused right now
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2008): Hi as a lady myself i think you are doing all you can,just be their for you when she wants you and give her space when she dont I just only hope that you dont get sick of being their for her i hope she comes around befor you get board.I also think you should ask her out on a date and just take things slow take her for a meal or go and see a film just date for a little while no moveing in.and in time she will see what shes missing out on an try not to chase her as she will like running let her come to you ring you and ask you what you are doing even if you have to wait a few weeks to hear from her you will as like you said she doesnt want to lose you any more then you her i hope i have been some help and it all works out for you both good luck xx
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