A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, this is a general question to anyone, male or female.My ex boyfriend of a year cheated on me. And someone recently told me that I was an idiot and naive for having forgiven him.The thing is, he and I are not back together, neither do I want to get back together with him. What he did to me hurt a lot and I did lose a bit of trust in him. I'll never see himi the same way, that's a fact anyone can relate to.But I believe in forgiveness. He hurt me and when he told me he seemed remorseful. It took me a while but after months of healing I wanted to do the right thing and forgive him. And we both realised that we were better friends than lovers. Now this person, another woman, has insulted me of being naive and gullible for still having him in my life. The thing is he and I have both talked extensively about us, and we both decided not to get back together.I don't understand why to her eyes it makes me an idiot to choose forgiveness over harboring negative feelings towards him in my heart?Has this ever happened to anyone else?
View related questions:
cheated on me, get back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): Thank you all for your answers...
To CindyCares: I completely understand your meaning, your definition of a friend. And so far, I do mean so far, he has not let me down as a friend. He tries to make up for the fact that as a bf he screwed up royally and since neither of us want another relationship together he tries to be a good friend. Like I said, I may never fully trust him, but then again 'friends' in the purest sense CAN and probably HAVE let all of us down at some point. And I chose to forgive.
He's a good friend, but a bad boyfriend.
I don't regret distancing myself from him, because as friends we've actually been more honest with one another. It's a different level of intimacy, in which the let downs are less painful. For me, anyway.
STILL, it doesn't mean that I trust him fully. And he knows that.
YET, he's still a friend. And I don't regret that.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I follow and endorse your reasoning... up to a point.
Of course life is too short for holding grudges . Of course harbouring negative feelings just punishes you, not the cheater, because makes you unhappy and not him, and prevents you from moving on and finding back your peace of mind sooner than later. Of course after a certain age you come to terms with the idea that people aren't perfect, at times they screw up, and at times they screw YOU up.
But one can forgive AND chose to distance herself from the offender, often it's the smartest thing to do. One can forgive, wish them the best , and let them go.
I am a bit dubious about the " we realized we are better friends than lovers ". Mmmh.. why ? The first attribute of a real friend is LOYALTY, and honesty- a friend is someone whom you can totally trust.
Now this person is obviously willing and able to lie to you and stab you in the back ,if pushes come to shove.
Would you REALLY ,say, lend him money with the certainty it's coming back no matter what ? Would you feel safe telling him your darkest secret and feel sure he'd never let it out ?Would you ask his candid , honest opinion about something , and count on him to tell you ONLY the truth ?....
A friend is someone who's got your back 100% even when that's inconvenient for him, are he sure he'd qualify ?....
How do you KNOW that he'd only betray you and disrespect you in matters of sex, and not in anything else ?...
Unless, of course, you use " friends " as shorthand for common social acquaintances. In this case, yes, if you bump into each other at the same party or event, nothing wrong in saying " Hi, what's up, everything fine ? Oh good, glad to hear that, and give my love to your mom " .
But other than that, ...I would not call you an idiot , but I would say you are flirting with heartbreak and let downs , out of a misguided sense of moral generosity. How do you TRUST a " friend " after you find out he's not trustworthy to begin with ?...
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (5 October 2012):
 Not many people can forgive those who have hurt them or even identify with someone who does it because it is unthinkable for them to forgive. I must say you have shown exemplary maturity in forgiving your ex and choosing to be civil with him. Your friend cannot ever think on the same wavelength as you and she thinks of forgiveness as a sign of weakness while it is very much the opposite because it takes immense strength to forgive. You are not naive and gullible, you are in fact one of the few good people who are rare to find. Stick to what you think is right and ignore what others say.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I commend you on being able to forgive and move on. It isn't an easy act to follow through on, but holding on to hurt and pain isn't the answer either. Holding on to grudges does not help and can actually make a person ill..so good for you for being wise. You are not an idiot. As far as others are concerned, its none of their business what you do. Don't give it a second thought. The woman had no right to give you her opinion.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I don't think you are an idiot at all. You chose to put the hurt behind you and forgive him (and yourself).
But you aren't dating him any more, so obviously you aren't THAT naive as the woman thinks you are.
Honestly, I would bother with that woman and her judgement of you. It's your life. If forgiveness makes your life better for YOU then it works for you.
I don't believe in regrets or hate. Hating other people is doing damage to ones self, no one else.
If you choose to be friends with him, that is again YOUR choice. Personally I wouldn't keep a person like that around me in my circle of friends, because it would make it harder on MY to truly forgive and move past it. Having him "close" is just a constant reminder... HOWEVER, that is me.. You do what's RIGHT for YOU.
SCREW what others think!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): "I don't understand why to her eyes it makes me an idiot to choose forgiveness over harboring negative feelings towards him in my heart?"Not saying this is the case, just suggesting it as a yet-to-be-disproven possibility: You're having forgiven ex instead of harboring hard feelings towards him is taking all the fun out of her sleeping with him. What's the point of her letting him bang her if it isn't pissing you off? "The thing is, he and I are not back together, neither do I want to get back together with him."As long as that's the case, you are not an idiot. The minute you consider taking him back, you are an idiot. If you can trust him as a friend, fine, but you should be certain beyond a reasonable doubt that you can never trust him as a lover.
...............................
|
