| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hate my ex, I completely hate him and wish something really bad would happen to him! He has given me crap about my past for YEARS, despite my being completely faithful, not even flirting or checking out other guys, despite my giving up friends for him, etc. I never cheated, and never will, he's just angry with the fact that I enjoyed some "sexual" stuff with guys prior to him, no strings attached. One of these was a friend with benefits to whom I gave oral. He knows this guy. Others were guys that he doesn't know, that I made out with, after having met them at parties. So? It happened, it's gone, the BJ was like SIX years ago! I was a virgin when we started going out, and he wasn't, but oh... he did things the right way... he made out casually with girls that he did know from a long time ago, no strings attached, he received a hand job from one of these... I complained that he had a double standard but NO, he said, because an HJ is not as intimate as a BJ... I say HJ, BJ, it's sex anyway! It was ok that he wasn't a virgin 'cause he did it with his ex GF, fine, ok, no complaints, but still fact is I was a virgin and he complains? I lost my virginity at 18, what else did he want?!Anyway, I've been taking that crap for years, 3 to be exact, and he keeps complaining and mistreating me and doing things to hurt me in purpose. We broke up, hell I dumped him (even though I still love him) and he keeps calling to complain, or I just called him for instance (because he has a lot of stuff that i want back) and he keeps insulting me and asking for details about the past. And he makes me feel ugly by comparing me to other girls and telling me how hot and beautiful they are, much more than me.I feel like utter crap, yet I can't get over him. I want him, when he's not upset over the past, he's the sweetest. I want someone like him, because other than his crap jealousy, he's just so similar to me, I honestly thought he was kind of like a soul mate since we even share the weirdest quirks! However I want someone to accept me and adore me, but other guys, well, I haven't met someone that rocks my world like he does... I've not met a single guy that is that "type" of guy, kind of artsy, who likes awesome music (my passion), who is low profile, doesn't like partying too hard and is physically attractive... I just haven't met someone better even though he's a jerk. A superficial jerk. What can I do? I'm desperate, I honestly believe I don't deserve this... how ironic that he calls me a slut when I have never even thought about being unfaithful! And what I did in the past is not THAT bad that one could argue this is karmic or something... help, what the hell can I do? It hurts too much, I feel horrendously ugly and lame... and I just want to be loved...
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broke up, ex girlfriend, flirt, friend with benefits, hand-job, his ex, jealous, lost my virginity, my ex, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (15 January 2010):
 You are honest is sure, and nothing serious but it is jealousy that cause such pain. But, if you love him is great thing. Say him, amongst many many options, I choose you as my partner is matter. When you see some intimacy in you, then certainly he is also aware of your knowledge.
But, do not take his jealousy as serious...think it as normal part of love and hate. It is every where the same. Here argument will not work, but continue with your usual nature, honesty, and desire to love and to be loved. It will work.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 January 2010):
You don't want anyone like him. Let me explain to you how controlling jerks work. They pretend to be sweet, charming, make you laugh etc, when really they are jerks. It's actually a fact that a man who makes people laugh and is the centre of attention is FIVE times more like to be an abuser of women. I'm not saying all open guys are like that, but I am saying don't discount the quiet, shy, nice guys just because they come across as a bit boring at first. They're not.
As for this guy, I think you should just cut contact entirely. Delete numbers, don't take his calls, messages or anything. If it continues, take it to the police and tell them he's harassing you.
Spend time getting to know guys, speak to them, understand them. You'll meet someone better. Just don't go for someone like him, because that's what you'll get. Someone exactly like him.
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A
female
reader, confusedlady182 +, writes (15 January 2010):
This reminds me of the guy that I have problems with, in that I am TOOO attached to him despite him being bad for me.
He sounds too similar to be honest. If you look at it like this, a guy who wants to be controlling of you and possibly abusive albeit only emotionally will first look at a way to hook you in. He will be funny, find out what you like, make you giggle, find out what makes you tick and later he can use that.
He knows how you feel about him. By putting you down it is done so it makes him feel good and you feel bad. so, what that does is make you feel like he is sexier than you, so you want him more. Same as the first thing it's designed so you want him. He puts you down the way you look, or not as hot as these other girls (my guy did that too, he pulled a grey hair out of my head!) Like your not as hot, but yet he still wants to stay with you, like you should be grateful. You feel less attractive and then he'll say you have no confidence or something, well yeah that's cos the person you love is putting you down.
My ex also went on about my past, how he 'forgave me' for being 'very sexually active' - I am 30 and had 3-4 boyfriends in that time! made me feel like a slut. Whereas he would come onto tons of girls at once before me and that was ok. I think this is him turning back what he feels on you. Like he might cheat, or look at other women or he is insecure in the relationship which is why he is doing the first few things to try and keep you in it and control you to some extent.
In a way the things he does, even though he is insulting you are there to keep you interested too. Like a puppy or something, but he is not treating you with enough love and affection.
I understand the sweet part too. but the sweet part might be part of the same thing, he might not be being as sweet as you think he is all the time. I say that just cos he reminds me so much of my guy. When I am doing things he likes, or approves of he will be the sweetest, funniest, damn sexy guy I ever met and I will feel like he is the one. then suddenly he will turn cold again when something happens he doesn't like. like a punishment reward thing.
I don't know if it's completely the same but that's how I see it. I don't deserve it either. I have been hooked on him for 6 years, even though people say things about him I know I love him. The danger is, if you shift all your bounderies for him, if you put yourself last.
I think you need time to get over him, cos the next guy wont live up to him cos he is got this persona or charm that got you hooked. I would even think maybe get help, therapy or something to get the confidence to leave him. Not that you are crazy, but he knocked your self esteem so it's going to be hard to leave him. some help would be good, you know what i mean?
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