A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for about 18 months now. For the first 12 months, everything was amazing. We got on so well, did so much together. I was the centre of her world and she was of mine.Before I carry on... I'm fully aware of the 'honeymoon period' and no doubt this time was that.We became so, so close and I grew to love her with all my heart. I knew she felt the same.We're both at university and in our twenties. Since we started back in September 08 things rapidly went downhill. Suddenly she started to shun me, not wanting spend any time with me. I know, this is fair enough.But what got me was the suddeness of it. It left me reeling. She started going out all the time with her best friend (who she'd fallen out with and didn't see or speak to for the first year we were together) and meeting guys. She tells me about some of them. Anyway, that's not the point- I do trust her.This all culminated in her splitting up with me back in December. But then she said that same evening how she felt she'd made a mistake and it was left that we would have a break over the christmas vacation.During that time she text and called me a few times and left it at other times. It was difficult to deal with because all the other vacations before when we weren't together, we'd always chat everyday and catch up, etc.Anyway, the situation now is that she wants to make a go of it, which is great news. However, I can feel that my issues could easily get in the way.My main problem is getting over the amazing year we had. We had so much fun and were inseparable. We both said how we thought it would never end. We even talked ablout the house we would get together and we sort of got engaged (it was a kinda joke but serious at the same time- it was a 'we'll get married at some point in the future' engagement). I excited her and interested her.As you can see, I hanker for that year we had together. I find it hard to accept that I'm not her number one anymore, but just somewhere on a list of many people.If this is going to work, I have to get over it and move on. I get upset so easily when I think about how things are now compared to how they were. I felt so privelidged and special to have her feel that way about me.I know I need to be grateful to still be with her in any sense and I know its normal to not do everything together... its my mental state I need to sort out.From planning our lives together to wondering if we'll be together in a month or whatever is so hard to take. I had security before. She loved me so much, it was so clear but now she clearly doesn't feel the same.We've talked and talked about it. She wants to make things work, as they are now. I hanker for the past and this annoys her.How can I get over how good things were and accept what I've got now and move on??Sorry to ramble on so much!Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): I'm not sure if this is the right place to type a responce but just to let you all know, I didn't choose the title of my question... I wouldn't call her my ex. We're together again after 'splitting up' and having a break, but were never really 'ex's', anyway, just semantics.Thank you for the two answers. Perhaps she is sabotaging things as she does go hot and cold very quickly. However, she is a very 'together' person and not one to really do that sort of thing, not without knowing about it, anyway.I am determined to make it work, that's why I'm prepared to accept that its me that needs to change. Yes, I feel hurt and that she is being unfair, etc although these feelings are fading in time.As I said originally, its the feelings of hankering for the great year we had that I want to stop having. Why can't I think about that year and be happy and feel lucky that I had that? How can I come to terms with being a much lesser part of her life? The fact that I share her with lots of other people now. I feel stupid cos its only friends that I share her with. I trust her totally and although she goes out with her 'easy' (excuse the terminology there) best girly friend and meets guys, there aren't any issues of trust involved.Basically, as I keep saying, to make this work, I need to turn that year we had and be happy and grateful that we had it and to move on and accept what we have now.But I don't know how....!
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (6 February 2009):
I can imagine the pain and hurt you are going through, having been left holding the bag so to speak, and feeling confused about what just happened with your gf.
You two are clearly not on the same page, and there is a timing issue going on. Perhaps she became afraid, perhaps she decided she needed some space, perhaps she was just not ready to commit, but thought she was.
Some people "sabotage" a relationship out of fear. Though they want the relationship and are happy in the relationship, they start behaving in ways which cause them to lose the very thing they desire. The fear can stem from many different causes, ranging from a fear of commitment, a fear of getting hurt (even if the other person has never done a thing to make them believe they'd get hurt), etc. Some people have a subconscious stopgap which prevents them from having the things they want, due to the internal, subconscious belief that they don't really deserve to be happy, they don't really deserve to have the things they want. All of these issues stem from childhood or some past relationship.
The psychology behind sabotaging relationships is likened to someone on a diet. They want to lose weight, they want to stop overeating, they have the very best intentions, but they just can't stop reaching for that donut. Thus, their own behavior is what sabotages the diet and the success of losing the weight. Their own behavior keeps them from attaining their goal and fulfilling their desires. Their own behavior keeps them from being happy. They are their own roadblock.
This behavior is very common amongst many people, whether it be sabotaging a diet, sabotaging their career (when we stay stuck in the same deadend job), or sabotaging their relationships. But, the behavior can be disrupted. The first step is to be aware that it is happening.
I don't know if this is the case here with your relationship, but it just sounded as though you two were so happy and right for each other, so it may be a possibility worth exploring.
You can do some reading up on it first. There's plenty of material on the net, and numerous books written on the subject. Then once you are familiar with the idea, you could possibly introduce the concept to your gf and ask her if she thinks there is any possiblity that this played a role in her behavior. People who are afraid in a relationship tend to pull close, then push back, pull close, push back, at varying intervals, and this is very confusing and hurtful to their partners.
Good luck, and let us know how things are going.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 February 2009):
 Have you asked her to give you some proper reasons why she eneded it and what made her stop having the same feelings for you?
It is not very fair for her to leave you suddenly, to start going out with someone she had no contact with for a year and then to be meeting other guys too! You shouldnt be the one who feels "lucky" to have the chance with her again, it should be the other way round. She treated you badly and she should be making up for what she has done to you!
All of your feelings are normal, and I dont think you actually have any issues to sort out here. She left you after a fantastic year with no real explanation - of course you will find it hard to be with her again when in the back of your mind she may jump ship again at any time.
In my honest opinion I think you should tell this girl it is really over and you dont want anything more to do with her - you deserve someone better, who will treat you right.
But if you are adamant that you want to give this another shot, then you have to be ready to put all these bad things in the past and treat this like a new relationship. Think of her as a brand new girlfriend, go on dates and take it slowly at the start. Once you start to develop those special "new" feelings again (this has to be both of you) then you can start to settle into the relationhip again.
What is important is that you try not to jump straight back into the relationship and pick up where you left it, this wont work and will only end in the same result. But if you have a fresh start treating it like a brand new relationship with someone you have just met, then you might have a chance.
Good luck with whichever decision you make!
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