A
female
age
51-59,
*atielou
writes:Be warned this is more like a novel than a question but i think i need to give the background to allow an accurate answer. I first met my husband in 1982 (I was 15 he was 14) we went out together for 2 yrs and then on and off for 1 yr. I then met my ex in 1985 and was with him for over 4yrs (engaged for 1 yr). I met my husband again in 1989 and after 6 months of indecision and keeping them both hanging on i decided to leave my fiancée (he was devastated and found it hard to accept) and moved to another country with my now husband. That was 20 yrs ago and we have been happily married with 3 great kids and are living back home where we have built a house. In August my sister in law phoned me to say that someone had contacted her house looking for a number for me saying it was about a college reunion and her daughter gave them my mobile number. I heard thought nothing of it but a few weeks later i got a text just saying “Hi”. I called the number back thinking one of the kids had been using my phone and i was in shock when it turned out to be my ex of 20 yrs ago. We talked about normal things for a while – family (he’s married with 2 kids), work etc. He said he would love to meet for a coffee sometime and i agreed. That was the start of texting and emailing and after a while things got heated and we agreed to meet in a hotel far away. It was the most nerve wrecking yet exciting I have ever been. We met and had a meal and talked for hours about everyday things, he told me i looked great and even better than 20 years ago, it felt like we had never been apart, but he started talking about personal stuff and i decided to go to my room he came with me in the lift (he was just going to walk me to the room, he was staying in another hotel) and there he kissed me and to my surprise i responded. When we got to my room things got pretty heated and we were very near to sex when he started saying he couldn’t go through with it, he loved his wife but he had loved me more than anything and she had asked him in the past did he love her as much as me and if we slept together he would no longer be able to answer her, although he was saying this he made no real attempt to stop but I stopped it. He then said sorry and left. Since then we have had the occasional texting and mailing and sometimes he will say he is glad nothing happened as he wouldn’t be able to handle it and other times he will say he loved his wife and didn’t want anything to happen-i suppose what i’m trying to figure out was it me he didn’t want, as i have been feeling rejected ever since. Last text we had he said he thought it was pointless keeping in touch as nothing could come of it - I gave him the opportunity to stop all contact for good but he said he doesn’t see harm in meeting up for coffee now and then although he also maintains he is happy in his marriage. What is going on here? I have made no secret that i would like us to be more than just friends but i have no intention of changing anything in my life or his.
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female
reader, bubbles 53winks  +, writes (6 February 2009):
Well if you want my opinion you are playing with fire, How would you like it if your husband did this to you. It is not right. If you wanted your exs years ago u should have chosen him, \and not wasted your husbands time,The exs still loves his wife, BUT JUST THINK ABOUT THE HURT YOU CAN BOTH DO to your spouses. You both new what u were doing when you meet up ,Or if you have feelings for this guy then tell your husband , and let him meet someone who will be true to him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): FIRST OF ALL PLEASE LET ME START BY SAYING THIS IS A VERY COMPLICATED MATTER. THE REAL QUESTION YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSSELF IS ARE YOU WILLING TO BREAK APART TWO MARRIAGES TO BE WITH SOMEONE YOU WERE WITH 20YEARS AGO. OF COURSE THINGS ARE GOING TO BE HEATED LIKE THEY ARE AT THE START OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. BUT YOU BOTH SAY YOU ARE HAPPY IN YOUR MARRIAGES AND DONT WANT TO HURT THE OTHER PERSON, SO STOP THIS RIGHT NOW OR PEOPLE WILL GET HURT. EVEN BEING IN CONTACT WITH EACH OTHER IS GOING TO HURT BOTH OTHER PARTNERS. I THINK YOU SHOULD SHUT OFF ALL CONTACT AND PUT AN END TO IT ALL SO THAT YOU CAN BOTH BE HAPPY WITH THE MARRIAGES YOU HAVE ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU BOTH HAVE KIDS.
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