A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've fallen in love with the most remarkable woman I've ever come across. We have, it seems, all the right things in common, yet have enough differences to keep things interesting. We communicate well, we laugh often, and we love intently.Our sex life, so far, has been marvelous, and mutually very satisfying. She has made a big deal of letting me know this, and how much I fulfill her in this and many other areas.That brings me to my issue: She's told me that she has a fetish for rough, violent sex; to the point of being very graphic in her descriptions of past experiences, and how much she enjoyed it. She went on to say that myself, being a hopeless, old-school romantic, don't have it in me to perform in such a manner, but that this is not a problem for her. She maintains that I, and the way I make her feel, are more important than any fetish.However, I feel that if she brought it up, and was so descriptive of it, some desire for it must still exist in her. Now, she's right, I'm NOT wired that way...I just don't have it in me to be hurtful to someone I love, even if it IS just fantasy. I could care less about her past; we ALL have one. The issue I'm having is that I fear I'm not going to be satisfying a need she has, and also that in the long term, she may develop resentment toward me for this reason. I've talked to her about it, and she tells me not to worry, that what I give her is all she needs. Hopeless romantic though I may be, I'm too old and had too many kicks to put all my faith in the old "love conquers all" edict. Can an unfulfilled fetish be a deal-breaker?Or am I just being overly sensitive?
View related questions:
her past, sex life, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy thanks again on some good advice and ideas! It's most kind of you all to not only take the time to help me out, but to give me ideas to get me going in a better direction!
Thank you all!
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (6 February 2009):
 Hey there,
I agree with SatinDesire, this isn't really a fetish, per se. It's a kinky thing that your girlfriend is into. But not a fetish. I don't think you have a deal breaker situation here... both of you seem to really love each other and she doesn't seem to have any problems with your discomfort around BDSM. You guys as a couple are fine. You've got a good thing between you two.
I'm not big into the super rough stuff either, but my boyfriend can get into that a little. So, I've been creative and come up with things that I'm comfortable with that he likes too. Buy a silk scarf (multi-functional gift. Both sexy and fashionable!), and use it to tie her up in the bedroom. You don't need to do anything really violent beyond that, just being tied up is exciting enough! Maybe give her a couple of spanks or something... rowr! Blindfold her too, it makes things even more fun! Take your time and explore her body without her being able to move or see you. It makes things exhilarating!
Create your own sexual fun and memories. You can get wild in the bedroom without getting violent. It seems like you two have such a great relationship, getting creative, comfortable and a little bit kinky won't be too hard. In fact, I think you'll really enjoy the new experience and sharing it with her.
Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, but don't be afraid to experiment!
Good luck and have fun!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, thank you for that.
The assertion that building new memories that are ours and only ours is something that I didn't include in my thinking. I'm still concerned a little about her passion for her memories, but that changes my perspective a little to see that perhaps she'll be just as passionate about memories WE create.
And to the previous poster, you brought up a good point too (to paraphrase, "if her fetish were such a big deal, she would probably choose someone else), and while I had thought of it, I'm glad to hear it from someone else.
Thanks to all of you who took the time to give this old soldier some peace of mind and new perspective:)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): You are worried b/c you are considerate, and you want everything to be right between you. You want to make sure she is happy. You love her and care for her, so this is only natural.I can tell you that as a woman of 47, I have many fond sexual memories that are just that, memories. I know they will never be repeated again, for my current partner is just not wired up like that. I am fine with that, b/c he does satisfy me in many other ways, different from my previous lovers. We have built our own sexual memories. I have told him a few things that I've tried before, that I'd like to try with him, but he just doesn't seem interested. That's fine - if I never do them again, so be it. It is definitely not a deal breaker. It's sort of like remembering things I did when I was younger, but now that I'm older, it doesn't fit into my lifestyle.There are also new things that he and I have tried together, that I've never done before with a previous lover. So, as I've said, we've built our own memories. And feelings play so much into it too. When you love someone and feel close and intimate with them, that can make even the most mundane and ordinary sexual act soar to new heights in your mind.Try not to worry - I think you are satisfying her in your own way, without resorting to things you are not comfortable doing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate that answer, very much, and I do try to do that, but it's not really that she's ASKING me to do the whole "violent" thing; she says that what I do is wonderful for her, and I believe her. Let me be clear: she has told me in no uncertain terms that she's not concerned about it, and doesn't want me to change anything.What worries me is that she made such a big deal about the description and memory of it being done to her in the past...the bare bones is that I worry that my lack of comfort in being able to perform a violent fantasy that seems for her will overcome the satisfaction she tells me she is getting from me now. I'm a firm believer that sex is just sex, a complement to a relationship, not a building block of it...but I'm also a believer that if it's not a satisfying experience, it can cause problems.I'm probably being an idiot, and if I am, please tell me so. I'd like nothing more than to erase this issue from my mind as nervous anxiety over falling in love again and being afraid to lose it...
...............................
A
female
reader, Auntie Jez  +, writes (6 February 2009):
Yes and no. It depends on if this is the only way she can enjoy love making or if it is only part of what she likes. If you have spoken to her and she assures you that everything is OK then you will have to take her word for it. Perhaps she had partners ( or was abused) in the past with this behaviour so she associates it with love making.If it does become a problem in the future perhaps you could both visit a therapist to explore where this fetish came from and if there is any 'half way house' that both of you would feel comfortable with.dont get dragged into doing something you are not happy with, if it were such a big deal to her she probably would have chosen another partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, xxxtashaxxx +, writes (6 February 2009):
I THINK YOU NEED TO TALK IT THROUGH AND EXPLAIN TO HER THAT YOU WOULDNT FEEL COMFORTABLE DOING IT. I DON'T THINK SHE WOULD MIND IF SHE REALY LOVES YOU AND KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE LIKE, THEN SHE KNOWS THAT YOU WOULDNT FEEL COMFORTABLE AND THAT IS ONE OF THE MAIN THINGS IN THE BEDROOM IS FEELING COMFORTABLE ENOUGH TO ENJOY IT.
SO HAVE A TALK AND EXPLAIN TO HER THAT YOU COULDNT ENJOY IT AND SHOW HER SOMETHING THAT SHE WOULD ENJOY.
...............................
|
